I haven't posted in a while. Part due to not having time and part because I just haven't really felt like it. Remember this post? And then this one? Well, I feel like now, the postpartum fog is finally, 100% gone. I've had happy days here and there but even on those days if the house was the least bit disorganized or if toys were strewn everywhere from Thing 1 and Thing 2, the sheer thought of picking up or cleaning seemed so daunting that the best option was just to sit and mope. Even going back to work, which was such a happy, fulfilling feeling - something that I hadn't felt in months, didn't feel 100% happy; the same things would still get me down, depressed and completely unmotivated.
So! I had to post today because I feel like lately, thinking back over the past few weeks and days and thinking today I'm SO happy. There isn't a fog anymore. I still find I have to dig deep to find motivation to clean - but that's pretty much how it was before Baby Sister. I've never been one that loves to clean. If we could afford it and the minute we can we're getting a cleaning service.
Taking care of Baby Sister and being a stay at home Mom now feels like something I can tackle. I have desire to meet up with other Mom's and outwardly seek play dates. Before, I wanted to, but it felt like it would be more of a chore or too hard because everything felt so overwhelming. I also felt like it would be hard because those Mom's loved being a stay at home Mom and at the time I didn't. Faking happiness seemed too hard. Now, when people say "you'll never get these days/months/years back" re: staying home with Baby Sister I get it. Now, I want to stay home with her. I want to see her first steps, I want to spend time with her. Staying home with her no longer feels devastatingly lonely even though it is lonely sometimes or that there's something else that I should be doing. Granted, I love working, so I do want to do that again one day but now I feel truly happy about what I'm doing and the little person with whom I spend 90% of my day.
I just feel happy. I feel like Angela. Not happy but ... not like myself but ... there aren't any but's anymore.
Therapy - certainly helped I continue to go. But I also think time helped too; and having an insanely supportive and understanding husband. His lack of gender role specific household ideology has been so wonderful. On the days where loading the dishwasher seemed like an insurmountable task - he would not only load it but clean the whole kitchen. Without my even having to ask. He just did it. He could see the sadness, see how hard it was. Yes, it was bad. Very bad. I love him so much. My family has been great too, helping to keep my expectations realistic and doing all they can to help.
It just feels good to finally look around and truly appreciate everything about my life, and my new "career." It's not all rainbows and butterflies but on the days where it's not it I can be realistic about life again. And it feels GOOD!!!
