F$%& You, Eyeliner

My first experience with eyeliner was in 2010 for my bridal portraits. And!! I was I only putting it on the top lid. My justification was because I have small eyes and hooded eye lids and felt like if I lined the bottom then I'd look all smudgy and walk of shame-y. However, now that I'm pushing 40, I feel like there are just some things that have to be done; and lining your bottom lids is one of those things. Lucky for you, I decided that tonight was the perfect time to try it.

For reference, here's what a normal application of eyeliner looks like. When I see other people use eyeliner their application looks like this:

Then, I tried my hand at it. I was skittish so I only did one eye first:

Before you start in with the "Your eyes are not small," bs, they are. I'm fine with it. Basically, my cell production in the womb was really lazy. They were just too tired after growing my larger than average sized head, to "fuss" with my eyes. Whatever. It's fine.

 A few things to note:

1. Yes. Those are elf pajamas. Let's stay focused here. But, Merry Christmas, hope you all got everything you wanted.
2. Yes, I am tired.
3. See how I immediately look like I should be at a concert? Or like I slipped and fell right on my eye? Or like how I look MORE tired?!? 

And then like 30 seconds passed and I look like I've been up for four days straight ...

RIGHT!?! Awful.

You guys. Hide your trash, cause apparently I'll come scavenge in it for food. I look like such an animal!! At this point in the experiment I was feeling like eyeliner can just go die a slow death with the curling iron:

Yeah. I drew on my face. So what? I beat the eyeliner to it. Because this is basically what I was going to end up looking like anyway. Maybe we chalk this mess up to oily lower lids? Because this shit is waterproof and it's like ... all over my baggy under eyes.  

But!! Because I don't give up when I should, I said to myself, "Hey. Look. You aren't a quitter. Let's line the other lower lid." 

I mean. I just constantly torture myself with my internal dialogue. I just need to STFU sometimes!! So this is basically how THAT shit show went:

All in all, I look like the elf of your nightmares. In fact. I bet you'll have one tonight. I would/am. Don't even try to tell me that liquid would go so much better. No. It won't.  

Guys, WE CAN'T ALL BE GOOD AT ALL OF THE THINGS!! So, that's why I say f$%& you, eyeliner. #toplidonlyforLIFE