Ho Ho Ho

The other day as I was driving out of my way to go to a new Kroger because that's the stage I'm at in life now I was thinking to myself: 

What if my parents did name me Stephanie ... I don't think I look much like a Stephanie ... If I was named Stephanie would I have blonde hair ... 

Then I almost missed the light and quickly went back to my #deepthoughts as I was getting ready to park. Which was an internal debate over whether I should get gas before grocery shopping or after. Which if you must know, never happened because I forgot. I found a spot that was far enough away from the door to STILL GET THEM STEPS IN and yet close enough to the door so that I could scream if I was being attacked and someone would hear OR that I could run back inside if I noticed someone hiding under my car who was going to slit my Achilles tendon with a knife as I got in the car. This would quickly progress to my kidneys being cut out. Blood would be everywhere. All in the Kroger parking lot. In broad daylight. Because #anxietygirl.

Anyway, during my grocery shopping I was pleasantly surprised by how calm and polite everyone was despite the store being extremely crowded. People were very patient with me as I was staring blindly into the produce searching for shallots. Why can't all Kroger's be laid out the same? For the love!! I even gave myself a little scavenger hunt and tried to find the pomegranates!! Which was fruitless ehhh??? Y'all like that!! Because y'all it's impossible to find something when you can barely spell it and you have no idea what it looks like. The neat thing was that the gal who bagged my groceries was having a little fun of her own when she took each of my onions out of the produce bag and placed each one into a bag with either canned goods or bread or cereal?? My personal early Christmas present though was that upon exit all the carts were returned to the cart return my pet peeve and I think the one true indicator whether someone is a jerk or not. 

Why all this positivity you ask? Why all this train of thought? Well, I knew going into the Holiday season that this year was going to be a lot different from those in the past and not just for the obvious we're in Texas and family is in Virginia reasons. As some of you know I had a hysterectomy in early December. There was supposed to be not a lot of recovery but I've experienced some complications that are still on going. This has prevented a lot of traditions that have been going strong for 28 years to not be able to happen and I hate it. The older we get, we realize how fragile life is. How short time is. And how important family is. My Dad and I have been going out shopping together on Christmas Eve since I was 10 years old. That didn't happen this year and I hate it so much. I miss them so much. But, what's been amazing is having framily to help us through the hard and weird and new. Framily that is just as precious to me and my family as if they were blood related. They have taken away a lot of the new and different and kept it as new and familiar and special and full of just as much love and gratitude as if we were home. We are very lucky, very fortunate and love that our hearts are always in two places.

So, this Christmas and New Year love your family and framily hard. They will help you pick up the pieces when you need them the most. And maybe, just maybe they can also show you what a pomegranate looks like!! XOXO

Also, since no one asked, a good Resolution for 2020 is to stop calling Kroger, Krogers. And if you have $0.10 to call it 10 cents not 10 cent. You're welcome.

Puzzled

Why as adults do we torture ourselves with things that they say will make our minds sharper. Because let me tell you what, they, I just did this 1,000 piece STAR WARS puzzle and feel like I can barely say the alphabet anymore.

Actual image of one of my worst allergic reactions ...

That right there my friends is one of the least fun things I've ever done. Less fun even than cutting my kids finger nails. Trust me. 

**Also, worth noting Matthew was supposed to be doing this puzzle. But I'm a helicopter Mom even when my kid is doing a puzzle ... And I believe they and want to keep my mind sharp ... Just in case they are right.**

Ugh guys, they were so wrong. My smarts are gone from looking at stupid Star Wars for like 48 hours straight. In every effort to get my mind back from Darth's control See!! I'm going legit batty I've determined that there are two factors that bring one to puzzle. The first is when one thinks that they are bored when actually there are a lot of toilets to clean, and the second is when it's raining/snowing/or they're anxiously awaiting the GOT Final Season. 

Then, once you are IN IT and you are definitely doing a puzzle there are these phases: 

1. Purchase/Excitement/Feels smart about puzzle
2. Immediate defeat, and the realization WOW. This is ... a lot more pieces than what I thought 1,000 miniature versions of the same color of yellow would look like
3. The words F*** this sh*t over and over and over again ... when you're not sneezing from puzzle dust

Somehow we survived this dumb puzzle. It's all a blur to be honest. BUT!! The Parkers aren't quitters. And we also have a hard time learning lessons. And we fall into the anxiously awaiting GOT final season category. We have decided to take on another puzzle!! This time, it's a 2,000 piece puzzle of the world. Yep. The WHOLE GD World. All 2,000 puzzle dusty pieces all over my dining room table. It's fine.

If anxiety had a "face" it would look like this ...  

Maybe we can insert some logic to help ... rationalize why we would do this to ourselves again???

If you're not sure what to do then Puzzle!
If Titos Vodka then Puzzle!
Therefore, always do puzzles with Titos vodka!!!

Speaking of the Super Bowl. Snoozefest, yes? The best part of our Super Bowl was cleaning up Abigail's puke. On her way to the bathroom. That was a real treat. 

So naturally, afterwards we made a vodka drink and started that GD world puzzle.  #cheers #winning

You know you're old when ...

You wanna talk about how to handle your nose hair. Y'all. I could write a novel about the millions of ways to handle every other part of your body with hair that is up for debate about whether it should or shouldn't have hair. But when it comes to what do about your nose? I wouldn't nose where to start.  

Do youuuuu ... wax it? For the record it = nose hair Which sounds really, really painful. And maybe a little ... brain infection-y??

Then it's like ... Do youuuuu ... pull it? That sounds very Medieval Times-y and like ... joust-y? And horse-like? And kinda like you live in a time where you eat with your hands and there's hay everywhere. And!! If you've been around hay, and horses and swords!!! There's nooooooose way you're coming at me with a pinched finger or tweezers. So. Un. Sanitary. shudder

But you guys!! You crazy beautiful beings must do something!! Because I pay attention. And your noses nose what's up. Share with me what you do. Warning: if you pull or wax your nose hair, then ask your friends what they do and share THAT with me. 

I know. Y'all are like:

Angela. Why are you an anti nose hair waxxxer? 

Well. Because I feel like my luck is really bad. So, of the 0.009999% of the population that gets a brain infection from waxing too hard, I'd be that person. Or like I'd tweeze a hair too hard and my sinuses would collapse? Also, because I don't know if iiiiii am supposed to do the wax? And if you leave it to me, I'll somehow have a third degree burn on my eye and be in critical care. Not even joking. 

I present you, Exhibit A: 

Looks worse in person. I'm not shy. I'll show you! And you don't even have to show me yours! No seriously.

That's just from learning from how to use a hair wand. Which was TOTALLY worth it bytheway.

Then lest we forget ringworm that wasn't ringworm from learning to use a flat iron. If you're smelling what I'm stepping in, we aren't dealing with a full deck of beauty IQ cards here people. 

At any rate. My nose hair is long, and it's strong and it's down to get it's freak sh*t on. So, ladies, yeah! Ladies, yeah! Clue me in to what you all noseabout nose hair. I'm hair for it. Get it. Instead of HERE for it.