Pinterest ... *audible eye roll*

So. I was on Pinterest last night ... And ... I thought vaporizing shower cubes looked absolutely, mouthwatering-ly delicious and now I'm wondering if I have pica.

Ughhhhahhhhhhhhuuuuuhhhhhhahhhhhhh ...

Here's a picture of what I thought were Elsa Ice Cream Cubes or maybe on second glance, cheese??

You are correct when you are saying out loud, "But she wouldn't have even made those??" 

Yep. They looked delicious to me despite the fact that they say Vaporizing Shower Cubes in fairly large font and the tub of vapo rub behind them. Me at 11pm with no business on Pinterest was ready to pin that sh*t to my Om Nom Nom board. If you don't Pinterest that is where I keep all the recipes I will never make. 

WHAT. inTHEliteral. you know ...

But here we all are. 

Not surprisingly, I have a lot of questions about vaporizing shower cubes. For instance, how? How do they work? Do you ... set them on the floor? Which I'm sorry but that has FALL RISK written all over it. Don't even @ me on that. I've always wanted to use that phrase. Do you ... set them on a ledge? I guess so if you wanna smell like vapo rub soap all day errr'y day. Do they ... dissolve? Like? Immediately? We've learned you don't eat them. That's for damn sure. 

I feel like I could understand their purpose if they were meant for a bathtub? If they dissolved? But they look like cheese? So maybe they are dense? Would your skin get all prune-y before they dissolved? DO YOU USE MORE THAN ONE AT A TIME????!!!!!! 

Ya'll freakin Pinterest. Because here I am almost 24 hours later thinking about something that I would never buy nor make ever in the history of my life ever. 

Also, I guarantee you, this is something that they will warn us about in 20 years. They will be all, Hope you didn't make shower cubes because that stuff is so lethal and a waste of time because they kill you. And then I'll be all, Well, they, thank GOD I can't craft because here I am. Lone Survivoring it. 

Which. I guess would make me a national treasure at that point. *dusts dirt off shoulders* *fluffs shirt, pops collar* Move over, Nick Cage, there's a new national treasure in town ...

Ho Ho Ho

The other day as I was driving out of my way to go to a new Kroger because that's the stage I'm at in life now I was thinking to myself: 

What if my parents did name me Stephanie ... I don't think I look much like a Stephanie ... If I was named Stephanie would I have blonde hair ... 

Then I almost missed the light and quickly went back to my #deepthoughts as I was getting ready to park. Which was an internal debate over whether I should get gas before grocery shopping or after. Which if you must know, never happened because I forgot. I found a spot that was far enough away from the door to STILL GET THEM STEPS IN and yet close enough to the door so that I could scream if I was being attacked and someone would hear OR that I could run back inside if I noticed someone hiding under my car who was going to slit my Achilles tendon with a knife as I got in the car. This would quickly progress to my kidneys being cut out. Blood would be everywhere. All in the Kroger parking lot. In broad daylight. Because #anxietygirl.

Anyway, during my grocery shopping I was pleasantly surprised by how calm and polite everyone was despite the store being extremely crowded. People were very patient with me as I was staring blindly into the produce searching for shallots. Why can't all Kroger's be laid out the same? For the love!! I even gave myself a little scavenger hunt and tried to find the pomegranates!! Which was fruitless ehhh??? Y'all like that!! Because y'all it's impossible to find something when you can barely spell it and you have no idea what it looks like. The neat thing was that the gal who bagged my groceries was having a little fun of her own when she took each of my onions out of the produce bag and placed each one into a bag with either canned goods or bread or cereal?? My personal early Christmas present though was that upon exit all the carts were returned to the cart return my pet peeve and I think the one true indicator whether someone is a jerk or not. 

Why all this positivity you ask? Why all this train of thought? Well, I knew going into the Holiday season that this year was going to be a lot different from those in the past and not just for the obvious we're in Texas and family is in Virginia reasons. As some of you know I had a hysterectomy in early December. There was supposed to be not a lot of recovery but I've experienced some complications that are still on going. This has prevented a lot of traditions that have been going strong for 28 years to not be able to happen and I hate it. The older we get, we realize how fragile life is. How short time is. And how important family is. My Dad and I have been going out shopping together on Christmas Eve since I was 10 years old. That didn't happen this year and I hate it so much. I miss them so much. But, what's been amazing is having framily to help us through the hard and weird and new. Framily that is just as precious to me and my family as if they were blood related. They have taken away a lot of the new and different and kept it as new and familiar and special and full of just as much love and gratitude as if we were home. We are very lucky, very fortunate and love that our hearts are always in two places.

So, this Christmas and New Year love your family and framily hard. They will help you pick up the pieces when you need them the most. And maybe, just maybe they can also show you what a pomegranate looks like!! XOXO

Also, since no one asked, a good Resolution for 2020 is to stop calling Kroger, Krogers. And if you have $0.10 to call it 10 cents not 10 cent. You're welcome.

Puzzled

Why as adults do we torture ourselves with things that they say will make our minds sharper. Because let me tell you what, they, I just did this 1,000 piece STAR WARS puzzle and feel like I can barely say the alphabet anymore.

Actual image of one of my worst allergic reactions ...

That right there my friends is one of the least fun things I've ever done. Less fun even than cutting my kids finger nails. Trust me. 

**Also, worth noting Matthew was supposed to be doing this puzzle. But I'm a helicopter Mom even when my kid is doing a puzzle ... And I believe they and want to keep my mind sharp ... Just in case they are right.**

Ugh guys, they were so wrong. My smarts are gone from looking at stupid Star Wars for like 48 hours straight. In every effort to get my mind back from Darth's control See!! I'm going legit batty I've determined that there are two factors that bring one to puzzle. The first is when one thinks that they are bored when actually there are a lot of toilets to clean, and the second is when it's raining/snowing/or they're anxiously awaiting the GOT Final Season. 

Then, once you are IN IT and you are definitely doing a puzzle there are these phases: 

1. Purchase/Excitement/Feels smart about puzzle
2. Immediate defeat, and the realization WOW. This is ... a lot more pieces than what I thought 1,000 miniature versions of the same color of yellow would look like
3. The words F*** this sh*t over and over and over again ... when you're not sneezing from puzzle dust

Somehow we survived this dumb puzzle. It's all a blur to be honest. BUT!! The Parkers aren't quitters. And we also have a hard time learning lessons. And we fall into the anxiously awaiting GOT final season category. We have decided to take on another puzzle!! This time, it's a 2,000 piece puzzle of the world. Yep. The WHOLE GD World. All 2,000 puzzle dusty pieces all over my dining room table. It's fine.

If anxiety had a "face" it would look like this ...  

Maybe we can insert some logic to help ... rationalize why we would do this to ourselves again???

If you're not sure what to do then Puzzle!
If Titos Vodka then Puzzle!
Therefore, always do puzzles with Titos vodka!!!

Speaking of the Super Bowl. Snoozefest, yes? The best part of our Super Bowl was cleaning up Abigail's puke. On her way to the bathroom. That was a real treat. 

So naturally, afterwards we made a vodka drink and started that GD world puzzle.  #cheers #winning

You know you're old when ...

You wanna talk about how to handle your nose hair. Y'all. I could write a novel about the millions of ways to handle every other part of your body with hair that is up for debate about whether it should or shouldn't have hair. But when it comes to what do about your nose? I wouldn't nose where to start.  

Do youuuuu ... wax it? For the record it = nose hair Which sounds really, really painful. And maybe a little ... brain infection-y??

Then it's like ... Do youuuuu ... pull it? That sounds very Medieval Times-y and like ... joust-y? And horse-like? And kinda like you live in a time where you eat with your hands and there's hay everywhere. And!! If you've been around hay, and horses and swords!!! There's nooooooose way you're coming at me with a pinched finger or tweezers. So. Un. Sanitary. shudder

But you guys!! You crazy beautiful beings must do something!! Because I pay attention. And your noses nose what's up. Share with me what you do. Warning: if you pull or wax your nose hair, then ask your friends what they do and share THAT with me. 

I know. Y'all are like:

Angela. Why are you an anti nose hair waxxxer? 

Well. Because I feel like my luck is really bad. So, of the 0.009999% of the population that gets a brain infection from waxing too hard, I'd be that person. Or like I'd tweeze a hair too hard and my sinuses would collapse? Also, because I don't know if iiiiii am supposed to do the wax? And if you leave it to me, I'll somehow have a third degree burn on my eye and be in critical care. Not even joking. 

I present you, Exhibit A: 

Looks worse in person. I'm not shy. I'll show you! And you don't even have to show me yours! No seriously.

That's just from learning from how to use a hair wand. Which was TOTALLY worth it bytheway.

Then lest we forget ringworm that wasn't ringworm from learning to use a flat iron. If you're smelling what I'm stepping in, we aren't dealing with a full deck of beauty IQ cards here people. 

At any rate. My nose hair is long, and it's strong and it's down to get it's freak sh*t on. So, ladies, yeah! Ladies, yeah! Clue me in to what you all noseabout nose hair. I'm hair for it. Get it. Instead of HERE for it. 

Dog Food Cookies By: Pinterest

Meet Angela. Angela is not good baking, but she is VERY good at other things like ... ... ... well. Other things. Angela often visits a magical world that promises things like:

1. Organization at the click of a mouse
2. A new kitchen pinned to a mythical, non stressful, non anxiety ridden, "board"
3. Clothes that will look good on any body type
4. Riding boots that will fit over large calves 
5. All the recipes that will ALL turn out delicious and magazine ready 

But the magical world was EVIL and full of so many lies; she quickly realized that:

1. Organization wasn't attainable and involved having to clean on a SCHEDULE wtf - which resulted in so much Clorox wipes that Angela didn't have finger prints anymore
2. A new kitchen that you could pin to a board, but said kitchens were so laden with MARBLE that they weren't even efficient much less practical
3. Clothes that ... Just. NO!! Scarves cannot be worn as tops!! OMG.
4. Lies, lies and more LIES!!!
5. All the "cookie" recipes turn out to look like dog food:
   
   
   

This evil world is known as Pinterest. Where Angela's soul is stolen, where innocent men and women are led to believe that Barbies can be baked into a cake. An evil, unattainable, Barbie cake where the cake is her dress and somehow ... THAT'S OK. This is NOT OK!! Barbie is a doll and she is meant to be loved and live in a Dream House. I never had BARBIE baked into a cake in my childhood and did I end up OKAY?????????? DID I!!?!?!!!

One night, in order to attempt happiness for her three children, who only want to eat sugar, live in sugar, and one day grow up to BE sugar. Angela set out to make these:

Semi healthy. Presumably delicious. Golden brown. Circular. 

As usual, she followed the directions to a GD T, and said a silent prayer that THIS would be the recipe to renew her faith in baking, in Pinterest. 

But Paradise is lost. Utopia is but a myth. Unicorns are DEAD IN QUICKSAND because ... Angela wants you to see what the "cookies" came out looking like:

Just so we're clear: On the LEFT is dog food and on the RIGHT is dog food are the PEACH PIE COOKIES!!! 

WHAT IN THE LITERAL FUCK. 

Angela, as well as the children, tasted the "cookies" because MAYBE, just maybe, they tasted better than they looked. As they tasted the "cookies" one by one by one a sadness came over them: 

But. Angela knew this was basically going to be a shit show so she rallied and was all: 

With regards to the outcome of her "cookies."

Angela knew, deep down, that Pinterest had whore-like, sad, hopeless qualities; which this recipe only affirmed. In fact, Angela now takes solace in the fact that Pinterest ranks right up there with ...

As a dangerous, highly UNsanitary world, full of false hope. For when gynecologists say, "There's no summer's eve in Summer's Eve." Angela knows they are actually saying:

DANGER: Douching or Pinterest-ing. It's basically THE SAME THING.

The end.

Odds & Ends and Jon Snow

Lookit this beautiful Texas sunset!! 

While this is beautiful, it doesn't even do it justice.

They are really spectacular. This was from a few weeks ago and it was so beautiful, it was worth driving and taking the picture at the same time. Sorry, Mom. Mother Nature made me do it.

Speaking of wine! Our electric wine opener had been on the fritz for a while. She was really magical. I have never been able to open wine manually, so she had literally saved my life on multiple occasions. Then she finally died. Part of a cork got stuck in the side of her inside manual part and she just ... had enough. We got her as a shower gift back in 2010 so she had a really good run. Here's my wine "area" when she was still alive and kicking ... for those who don't know her she's on the far right (RIP Electric Wine Thingy):

I know. This picture calms me down too.

When she died, I realized life was about to get real. One night OK maybe more than one night I had my very smart husband teach me how to use the manual wine opener. He makes it all look so easy! BUT!! I'm proud to say that under his steed, this Momma has MASTERED the art of manual wine opening. In fact, we're considering putting this little guy on our insurance policy! Also, when he's not in use, doesn't he look like a parrot? 

Parrot? Or life saving device?

This still calms me. I think the crystals AND the wine, is the key.

So since:

Kids = Wine  

That brings us to Jon Snow. Mike and I are big Game of Thrones fans but, for the obvious reasons, we don't watch the show until the kids are asleep. Lately, this has been the conversation in the car: 

Abigail: Dah, let's say our alphabet!!!
Matthew: Well. Jon Snow doesn't know his alphabet.
Abigail: I know. He only says his numbers. He says his alphabet as Sunshine, sunny, sunny, sun, sunshine, sunshine, sun, sun, sun ... 

Or ...

Matthew: Abigail, what'd you learn today.
Abigail: Nothing. Like Jon Snow. He doesn't know his letters.

Or ... 

Someone at the dinner table: What was your favorite part of the day?
Abigail or Matthew: Jon Snow didn't have a favorite part of the day because he doesn't know his letters.

Or, while I was writing this blog and looking at pictures of Jon Snow ...

Matthew: Doesn't Jon Snow remind you of Uncle Michael?

I don't know why, they are so fixated on Jon Snow:  Pictured for reference 

Hellooooo, Kit Harrington!

OK OK OK OK ... So mayyybe I do know why they are so fixated on him.

Regardless, the fact that Jon Snow doesn't know his letters cracks me up. Pretty sure, at some point, Jon Snow will be our only hope. And wine ... 

These are some of the things my favorite LIVING things cannot do ...

All of our kids are good at SOMEthing. I don't care how disrespectful, or bad at listening they are, they are good at something. Believe me. It's not lost on me that kids are blessings.

But, it's also OK to acknowledge that our little blessings aren't 100% all of the time; and aren't perfect at everything all of the time. Fortunately, for you, I have come to terms with my purpose in life:

To make others feel good about ALL THE THINGS that may go wrong in their lives because everything, but especially craft things and cooking things, tends to go wrong in MY life. But I ESPECIALLY do not craft.

I struggle because I feel like I hit the kid jackpot because I have three kids who, at my helm, love getting lost, new adventures and have really, really GREAT self esteem. But then, I just can't deny that they are really,  realllllllly BAD at a lot of things. Maybe this just means I need to get out more?

Here are just a few of things at which my favorite things do NOT excel:

1. Brushing their teeth
Regarding this most mission critical act of personal hygiene, my kids are awful. Meaning, they are forever brushing their teeth. I get that it's the go-to stall tactic at bedtime. But my kids use this as their stall tactic for existing in life. Weekends? Brushing their teeth. Before we are leaving for anywhere? Brushing their teeth. Late to get anywhere? Someone's brushing away. Always. So. Either they will need gum grafts in the next year, or we will have to start investing in toothbrush companies because I feeeeeeel like we're kinna keeping them in business right now.

Sitting ON the counter is the only effective way to brush your teeth, FYI.

Suuuuure, brushing your teeth is great until you have toothbrush dribble all over your house, your kids clothes, your clothes, your dog, your leather sectional ...

This toothbrush was soon acquired by Walter (read: the dog literally ate it).

2. Throwing things away
I cut Abigail's hair last week, and this is what she did with her hair that fell on the floor:

I'ts amazing how much we can love them. 

It's totally normal to keep your non-first-haircut-hair in a sandwich baggy, right? I know. She'll be making skin suits out of the people she keeps in her basement. It's ok. We'll stay on top of it.

3. Flushing the GD toilet
No explanation necessary. Also, this isn't singular to the males in the house ... they are all deplorable at expelling their deplorables into the potty .... and being SANITARY about it in the process ...

So. Gross.

4. Eating
These eggs are from this morning, pic taken after lunch. Yet, these Base 10 Blocks a learning tool are "cake" ... what am I missing here??? Clearly, something is being lost in translation??

As we came downstairs, from putting them to bed, I stumbled across a package of Hormel pepperoni in the playroom??? Where am I when they raid my refrigerator???

5. Distinguishing toys vs anything
These are Scrub Daddy's. We are gigantic Shark Tank fans, the Scrub Daddy is their most, if not one of their most, successful products to date. I am here to assure you that they are LIFE CHANGING!!
Here's a picture of the girls using them as dance partners:

#dontmakemecallyourdaddy

6. Using the counter top for its intended purpose
This picture was taken right before dinner but it's a good picture of what my life looks like at 8am, 10am, 11am, Noon, 1pm, 2pm ... go pick up kids ... 4pm, 5pm, 6pm ... and repeat ...

Yummmm ... honey ... Yummmm ... Chardonnay ... 

BUT!! If all their missteps mean that I get to console myself with this ... then please meet the sixth member of our family ... the effect that the three causes, cause ... sweet, sweet wine. Cheers!!

I *heart* you, Chloe!!!!