Exorcism, Possession and Animal Role Play

You may have heard me say this before, but if I had a penny for every time I said:

My kids are possessed, or 

My kids need an exorcism

I'd be rich. Not the richest. But pretttttttty rich.

Usually, what precipitates these phrases is when my kids pretend they are animals. You may have noticed on your own that when kids pretend they are animals it's either cute AF or creepy AF. Because my kids take everything too far, it's for sure creepy AF. Since I like to help others, and because I have extensive experience in children pretending they are animals, I have outlined below the three stages of animal role play. Enjoy!

Stage 1

This is your sweet, innocent dog/cat role play. This stage has you thinking:

My kids are using their imagination!! No one can judge me for too much TV time now!!

Should you encounter this stage more than three times per week, it's a red flag that Stage 2 is imminent. Mine usually let me know they are approaching Stage 2 when they help themselves to cups or bowls from their kitchen set, fill them with water and then proceed to lap up the water. All the while meowing and barking. Also, in this stage they become humans only to momentarily shout back to your plea for please no mess by saying:

But MOMMA!! We're cats/dogs! That's what cats/dogs do!

In Stage 1 it's fine to pick your battles because you aren't Code Red just yet.

Stage 2 

This stage is  more severe. This is your lion or tiger or bull or longhorn role play. You actually sometimes in this stage have to yell say:

STOP IT!!!! You are going to kill/hurt yourself/sister/brother!!!!

You can't pick your battles in this stage because of risk of serious injury. Timeout is a nice starter. After which, they will go right back to a less aggressive lion/tiger/bull/longhorn. I'm warning you now, this won't last long before someone takes it too far again and you need to act fast. Because injury/death is near. Not to mention it's starting to feel creepy. 

Stage 3 

Code red, holy crap, this is the stage where they have truly crossed over to the other side. You worry about their mental health because they are so IN character. There is no less than 100% certainty that you will say:

OMG. They are totally possessed.

And you have the Internet search history to prove it with gems like, "Exorcism in Frisco, TX." This stage has the most obscure animal role play to include: ring tailed lemurs, crocodiles, panthers, wolves, squirrels, fish, dolphins, etc. Writing this I wish I didn't know these from experience. The dolphin was especially interesting. 

When my kids pretend they are reptiles or ring tailed lemurs wtf? it's usually after watching Wild Kratts on PBS. This show is a blessing and a curse. A couple years back, my children were ring tailed lemurs and they were on all fours and proceeded to rub their butts and backs on every wall in the house. When I protested this, they said:

But this is what ring tailed lemurs DO!! We are IN OUR natural habitat!!

Trigger word for me here is their use of the word "our." Like they are truly not able to distinguish between human child and lemur child. And let me tell you this!! I will not add to my search history "Natural habitat ring tailed lemurs" or "Ring tailed lemurs rubbing off on walls." For one, I don't care. I don't want to know that information. And for two. No! No, no, no. Whatever. So, I left it at:

Great. Don't break anything. 

While I likely poured myself a large glass of wine and cried in a corner - both out of need and fear. Because you never know!!! With Stage 3 animal role play ANYTHING can happen. It's also impossible to discipline in this stage because they are so far gone. I mean they literally think they are the animal. If you get here, pray that it's short lived. 

I have now armed you with what I think are the necessary things to watch out for to determine your kids level of animal. And if all else fails - WINE.