Puzzled

Why as adults do we torture ourselves with things that they say will make our minds sharper. Because let me tell you what, they, I just did this 1,000 piece STAR WARS puzzle and feel like I can barely say the alphabet anymore.

Actual image of one of my worst allergic reactions ...

That right there my friends is one of the least fun things I've ever done. Less fun even than cutting my kids finger nails. Trust me. 

**Also, worth noting Matthew was supposed to be doing this puzzle. But I'm a helicopter Mom even when my kid is doing a puzzle ... And I believe they and want to keep my mind sharp ... Just in case they are right.**

Ugh guys, they were so wrong. My smarts are gone from looking at stupid Star Wars for like 48 hours straight. In every effort to get my mind back from Darth's control See!! I'm going legit batty I've determined that there are two factors that bring one to puzzle. The first is when one thinks that they are bored when actually there are a lot of toilets to clean, and the second is when it's raining/snowing/or they're anxiously awaiting the GOT Final Season. 

Then, once you are IN IT and you are definitely doing a puzzle there are these phases: 

1. Purchase/Excitement/Feels smart about puzzle
2. Immediate defeat, and the realization WOW. This is ... a lot more pieces than what I thought 1,000 miniature versions of the same color of yellow would look like
3. The words F*** this sh*t over and over and over again ... when you're not sneezing from puzzle dust

Somehow we survived this dumb puzzle. It's all a blur to be honest. BUT!! The Parkers aren't quitters. And we also have a hard time learning lessons. And we fall into the anxiously awaiting GOT final season category. We have decided to take on another puzzle!! This time, it's a 2,000 piece puzzle of the world. Yep. The WHOLE GD World. All 2,000 puzzle dusty pieces all over my dining room table. It's fine.

If anxiety had a "face" it would look like this ...  

Maybe we can insert some logic to help ... rationalize why we would do this to ourselves again???

If you're not sure what to do then Puzzle!
If Titos Vodka then Puzzle!
Therefore, always do puzzles with Titos vodka!!!

Speaking of the Super Bowl. Snoozefest, yes? The best part of our Super Bowl was cleaning up Abigail's puke. On her way to the bathroom. That was a real treat. 

So naturally, afterwards we made a vodka drink and started that GD world puzzle.  #cheers #winning

You know you're old when ...

You wanna talk about how to handle your nose hair. Y'all. I could write a novel about the millions of ways to handle every other part of your body with hair that is up for debate about whether it should or shouldn't have hair. But when it comes to what do about your nose? I wouldn't nose where to start.  

Do youuuuu ... wax it? For the record it = nose hair Which sounds really, really painful. And maybe a little ... brain infection-y??

Then it's like ... Do youuuuu ... pull it? That sounds very Medieval Times-y and like ... joust-y? And horse-like? And kinda like you live in a time where you eat with your hands and there's hay everywhere. And!! If you've been around hay, and horses and swords!!! There's nooooooose way you're coming at me with a pinched finger or tweezers. So. Un. Sanitary. shudder

But you guys!! You crazy beautiful beings must do something!! Because I pay attention. And your noses nose what's up. Share with me what you do. Warning: if you pull or wax your nose hair, then ask your friends what they do and share THAT with me. 

I know. Y'all are like:

Angela. Why are you an anti nose hair waxxxer? 

Well. Because I feel like my luck is really bad. So, of the 0.009999% of the population that gets a brain infection from waxing too hard, I'd be that person. Or like I'd tweeze a hair too hard and my sinuses would collapse? Also, because I don't know if iiiiii am supposed to do the wax? And if you leave it to me, I'll somehow have a third degree burn on my eye and be in critical care. Not even joking. 

I present you, Exhibit A: 

Looks worse in person. I'm not shy. I'll show you! And you don't even have to show me yours! No seriously.

That's just from learning from how to use a hair wand. Which was TOTALLY worth it bytheway.

Then lest we forget ringworm that wasn't ringworm from learning to use a flat iron. If you're smelling what I'm stepping in, we aren't dealing with a full deck of beauty IQ cards here people. 

At any rate. My nose hair is long, and it's strong and it's down to get it's freak sh*t on. So, ladies, yeah! Ladies, yeah! Clue me in to what you all noseabout nose hair. I'm hair for it. Get it. Instead of HERE for it. 

Dog Food Cookies By: Pinterest

Meet Angela. Angela is not good baking, but she is VERY good at other things like ... ... ... well. Other things. Angela often visits a magical world that promises things like:

1. Organization at the click of a mouse
2. A new kitchen pinned to a mythical, non stressful, non anxiety ridden, "board"
3. Clothes that will look good on any body type
4. Riding boots that will fit over large calves 
5. All the recipes that will ALL turn out delicious and magazine ready 

But the magical world was EVIL and full of so many lies; she quickly realized that:

1. Organization wasn't attainable and involved having to clean on a SCHEDULE wtf - which resulted in so much Clorox wipes that Angela didn't have finger prints anymore
2. A new kitchen that you could pin to a board, but said kitchens were so laden with MARBLE that they weren't even efficient much less practical
3. Clothes that ... Just. NO!! Scarves cannot be worn as tops!! OMG.
4. Lies, lies and more LIES!!!
5. All the "cookie" recipes turn out to look like dog food:
   
   
   

This evil world is known as Pinterest. Where Angela's soul is stolen, where innocent men and women are led to believe that Barbies can be baked into a cake. An evil, unattainable, Barbie cake where the cake is her dress and somehow ... THAT'S OK. This is NOT OK!! Barbie is a doll and she is meant to be loved and live in a Dream House. I never had BARBIE baked into a cake in my childhood and did I end up OKAY?????????? DID I!!?!?!!!

One night, in order to attempt happiness for her three children, who only want to eat sugar, live in sugar, and one day grow up to BE sugar. Angela set out to make these:

Semi healthy. Presumably delicious. Golden brown. Circular. 

As usual, she followed the directions to a GD T, and said a silent prayer that THIS would be the recipe to renew her faith in baking, in Pinterest. 

But Paradise is lost. Utopia is but a myth. Unicorns are DEAD IN QUICKSAND because ... Angela wants you to see what the "cookies" came out looking like:

Just so we're clear: On the LEFT is dog food and on the RIGHT is dog food are the PEACH PIE COOKIES!!! 

WHAT IN THE LITERAL FUCK. 

Angela, as well as the children, tasted the "cookies" because MAYBE, just maybe, they tasted better than they looked. As they tasted the "cookies" one by one by one a sadness came over them: 

But. Angela knew this was basically going to be a shit show so she rallied and was all: 

With regards to the outcome of her "cookies."

Angela knew, deep down, that Pinterest had whore-like, sad, hopeless qualities; which this recipe only affirmed. In fact, Angela now takes solace in the fact that Pinterest ranks right up there with ...

As a dangerous, highly UNsanitary world, full of false hope. For when gynecologists say, "There's no summer's eve in Summer's Eve." Angela knows they are actually saying:

DANGER: Douching or Pinterest-ing. It's basically THE SAME THING.

The end.

Odds & Ends and Jon Snow

Lookit this beautiful Texas sunset!! 

While this is beautiful, it doesn't even do it justice.

They are really spectacular. This was from a few weeks ago and it was so beautiful, it was worth driving and taking the picture at the same time. Sorry, Mom. Mother Nature made me do it.

Speaking of wine! Our electric wine opener had been on the fritz for a while. She was really magical. I have never been able to open wine manually, so she had literally saved my life on multiple occasions. Then she finally died. Part of a cork got stuck in the side of her inside manual part and she just ... had enough. We got her as a shower gift back in 2010 so she had a really good run. Here's my wine "area" when she was still alive and kicking ... for those who don't know her she's on the far right (RIP Electric Wine Thingy):

I know. This picture calms me down too.

When she died, I realized life was about to get real. One night OK maybe more than one night I had my very smart husband teach me how to use the manual wine opener. He makes it all look so easy! BUT!! I'm proud to say that under his steed, this Momma has MASTERED the art of manual wine opening. In fact, we're considering putting this little guy on our insurance policy! Also, when he's not in use, doesn't he look like a parrot? 

Parrot? Or life saving device?

This still calms me. I think the crystals AND the wine, is the key.

So since:

Kids = Wine  

That brings us to Jon Snow. Mike and I are big Game of Thrones fans but, for the obvious reasons, we don't watch the show until the kids are asleep. Lately, this has been the conversation in the car: 

Abigail: Dah, let's say our alphabet!!!
Matthew: Well. Jon Snow doesn't know his alphabet.
Abigail: I know. He only says his numbers. He says his alphabet as Sunshine, sunny, sunny, sun, sunshine, sunshine, sun, sun, sun ... 

Or ...

Matthew: Abigail, what'd you learn today.
Abigail: Nothing. Like Jon Snow. He doesn't know his letters.

Or ... 

Someone at the dinner table: What was your favorite part of the day?
Abigail or Matthew: Jon Snow didn't have a favorite part of the day because he doesn't know his letters.

Or, while I was writing this blog and looking at pictures of Jon Snow ...

Matthew: Doesn't Jon Snow remind you of Uncle Michael?

I don't know why, they are so fixated on Jon Snow:  Pictured for reference 

Hellooooo, Kit Harrington!

OK OK OK OK ... So mayyybe I do know why they are so fixated on him.

Regardless, the fact that Jon Snow doesn't know his letters cracks me up. Pretty sure, at some point, Jon Snow will be our only hope. And wine ... 

These are some of the things my favorite LIVING things cannot do ...

All of our kids are good at SOMEthing. I don't care how disrespectful, or bad at listening they are, they are good at something. Believe me. It's not lost on me that kids are blessings.

But, it's also OK to acknowledge that our little blessings aren't 100% all of the time; and aren't perfect at everything all of the time. Fortunately, for you, I have come to terms with my purpose in life:

To make others feel good about ALL THE THINGS that may go wrong in their lives because everything, but especially craft things and cooking things, tends to go wrong in MY life. But I ESPECIALLY do not craft.

I struggle because I feel like I hit the kid jackpot because I have three kids who, at my helm, love getting lost, new adventures and have really, really GREAT self esteem. But then, I just can't deny that they are really,  realllllllly BAD at a lot of things. Maybe this just means I need to get out more?

Here are just a few of things at which my favorite things do NOT excel:

1. Brushing their teeth
Regarding this most mission critical act of personal hygiene, my kids are awful. Meaning, they are forever brushing their teeth. I get that it's the go-to stall tactic at bedtime. But my kids use this as their stall tactic for existing in life. Weekends? Brushing their teeth. Before we are leaving for anywhere? Brushing their teeth. Late to get anywhere? Someone's brushing away. Always. So. Either they will need gum grafts in the next year, or we will have to start investing in toothbrush companies because I feeeeeeel like we're kinna keeping them in business right now.

Sitting ON the counter is the only effective way to brush your teeth, FYI.

Suuuuure, brushing your teeth is great until you have toothbrush dribble all over your house, your kids clothes, your clothes, your dog, your leather sectional ...

This toothbrush was soon acquired by Walter (read: the dog literally ate it).

2. Throwing things away
I cut Abigail's hair last week, and this is what she did with her hair that fell on the floor:

I'ts amazing how much we can love them. 

It's totally normal to keep your non-first-haircut-hair in a sandwich baggy, right? I know. She'll be making skin suits out of the people she keeps in her basement. It's ok. We'll stay on top of it.

3. Flushing the GD toilet
No explanation necessary. Also, this isn't singular to the males in the house ... they are all deplorable at expelling their deplorables into the potty .... and being SANITARY about it in the process ...

So. Gross.

4. Eating
These eggs are from this morning, pic taken after lunch. Yet, these Base 10 Blocks a learning tool are "cake" ... what am I missing here??? Clearly, something is being lost in translation??

As we came downstairs, from putting them to bed, I stumbled across a package of Hormel pepperoni in the playroom??? Where am I when they raid my refrigerator???

5. Distinguishing toys vs anything
These are Scrub Daddy's. We are gigantic Shark Tank fans, the Scrub Daddy is their most, if not one of their most, successful products to date. I am here to assure you that they are LIFE CHANGING!!
Here's a picture of the girls using them as dance partners:

#dontmakemecallyourdaddy

6. Using the counter top for its intended purpose
This picture was taken right before dinner but it's a good picture of what my life looks like at 8am, 10am, 11am, Noon, 1pm, 2pm ... go pick up kids ... 4pm, 5pm, 6pm ... and repeat ...

Yummmm ... honey ... Yummmm ... Chardonnay ... 

BUT!! If all their missteps mean that I get to console myself with this ... then please meet the sixth member of our family ... the effect that the three causes, cause ... sweet, sweet wine. Cheers!!

I *heart* you, Chloe!!!!

2017 Update

So far, 2017 has been off to a great start. Except for the fact that it looks like I have ringworm on my forehead where I burnt myself with the straightener ...

Not ringworm.

Fortunately, this will heal. Some wounds take longer. Like the one I received on New Years Eve, which truly blew my mind. 

You see, I love The Rolling Stones. The musicians not the magazine. Growing up, my parents exposed my brothers and me to some AMAZING music ... Motown, The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Sinatra, Eric Clapton, just to name a few. It was great. NYE the kids were watching Despicable Me which has an awesome soundtrack by the way and The Rolling Stones come on during a scene and I sing along to the lyrics how I have for my ENTIRE LIFE:

"... It's just your 1930's breakdown ..." 

I hollered out to my husband to "Add this song to our playlist!! It's one of my favorites!!" He responds with, "What's the title?!" To which I respond with, "1930's Breakdown!!!" Gosh. Get it together, husband. To which he comes in to the bathroom and unloads the bombshell:

It's actually called 19th Nervous Breakdown. Love you.

SHUT UP!!!!! So you mean to tell me this isn't a song about The Great Depression!?!? Which admittedly, looking back, is odd that The Stones would be singing about that. But. My mind was/is blown. All my life. Still kinda in shock? Not sure I can trust myself? Feeling a little ... let down.

Not gonna lie, it may take a while to get over this one. So, I want to know, what's a learning experience you've had so far in 2017?

F$%& You, Eyeliner

My first experience with eyeliner was in 2010 for my bridal portraits. And!! I was I only putting it on the top lid. My justification was because I have small eyes and hooded eye lids and felt like if I lined the bottom then I'd look all smudgy and walk of shame-y. However, now that I'm pushing 40, I feel like there are just some things that have to be done; and lining your bottom lids is one of those things. Lucky for you, I decided that tonight was the perfect time to try it.

For reference, here's what a normal application of eyeliner looks like. When I see other people use eyeliner their application looks like this:

Then, I tried my hand at it. I was skittish so I only did one eye first:

Before you start in with the "Your eyes are not small," bs, they are. I'm fine with it. Basically, my cell production in the womb was really lazy. They were just too tired after growing my larger than average sized head, to "fuss" with my eyes. Whatever. It's fine.

 A few things to note:

1. Yes. Those are elf pajamas. Let's stay focused here. But, Merry Christmas, hope you all got everything you wanted.
2. Yes, I am tired.
3. See how I immediately look like I should be at a concert? Or like I slipped and fell right on my eye? Or like how I look MORE tired?!? 

And then like 30 seconds passed and I look like I've been up for four days straight ...

RIGHT!?! Awful.

You guys. Hide your trash, cause apparently I'll come scavenge in it for food. I look like such an animal!! At this point in the experiment I was feeling like eyeliner can just go die a slow death with the curling iron:

Yeah. I drew on my face. So what? I beat the eyeliner to it. Because this is basically what I was going to end up looking like anyway. Maybe we chalk this mess up to oily lower lids? Because this shit is waterproof and it's like ... all over my baggy under eyes.  

But!! Because I don't give up when I should, I said to myself, "Hey. Look. You aren't a quitter. Let's line the other lower lid." 

I mean. I just constantly torture myself with my internal dialogue. I just need to STFU sometimes!! So this is basically how THAT shit show went:

All in all, I look like the elf of your nightmares. In fact. I bet you'll have one tonight. I would/am. Don't even try to tell me that liquid would go so much better. No. It won't.  

Guys, WE CAN'T ALL BE GOOD AT ALL OF THE THINGS!! So, that's why I say f$%& you, eyeliner. #toplidonlyforLIFE