Ummm ... Would we call that, attractive???

You can read every What to Expect When You're blahblahblah book and they will tell you that there's NOTHING more beautiful and precious and desirable than being pregnant. And that everything is glorious about it eeeven if you're throwing up your life every morning. It's fine. Means the babe is healthy.

Well. Guess what's NOT attractive? Blood shot eyes + trying not to purge at work + drinking lukewarm water = I feel sooo beautiful!!

I've gone ahead and put together a list of some other "attractive" qualities in pregnancy.


Dinner Plates. - Cause we all aspire for our areolas to look like this:

Actual size during pregnancy.

Oh, and what's that? It's because the baby needs to able to see them when they're breast feeding. Awesome. Cause I'm pretty sure s/he could SEE them through a bra AND a black shirt. From a mile away. Just saying.

WARNING: Wide Load. - No matter how cute you are in the front. Turn around and take a peek at that rear ... 

Actual reaction.

A literal "OMG." But I don't think one exclamation point is enough.

Pizza. - I'm hungry ... for your face. Which looks like a 13 year old boy's or a hearty pepperoni pizza. Loves the acne. That crystal clear skin?? It's a What To Expect When You're Pregnant in Heaven lie. A pregnancy trap lie.

Sexy Can I? - Pit stains? Swamp ass? Hot. Literally. In fact during pregnancy you sweat so much that you start to think you have glandular issue.

Victoria's Secret. - Skinny bitches.

Stop sending me your magazines while I'm pregnant k? And while you're at it. Eat a mayonnaise sandwich. And for the record - my boobs are bigger than your chicken cutlet push up boobs. So. Suck it.

OK, OK that was more of a vent. A totally legit vent.

You'll start showing "sooner" with the second. - Liars!! I've looked like I was 5 months pregnant since the day I took a pregnancy test. How much "sooner" than that does it get?!?

Stoma's. - You're going to immediately be whisked into trach surgery after you deliver from all the heartburn. And nothing says to your husband that you're ready for a little romance like the voice of Stephen Hawking to seduce him.

Yes. Being pregnant is a miracle. But no, it's not pretty. Happy Easter all!!

Jorts are for Momjeans' and Momjeans' ONLY!!

I got another e-mail and a wink from a Hatch.com fellow. Yay! Right? No, Boo! First of all it took me forever to translate the acronyms that he spoke in he must have done the whole place-an-ad-in-the-paper-thing before. Second, well see below, I've put my comments in bold. Here's the e-mail: Hello! My name is ____, I was surfing the ads here at Hatch when I came across yours. After looking at your profile, I wanted to write to say "Hi" and introduce myself. I think we might possibly be compatible. Already, I can tell you we are not compatible. So, to start things off I thought I'd tell you a little about me. Please don't. Let's see, I'm a DWM Whaaaaaaa? who turned 40 this past April. WHAAAAAAAA??? I've already checked out at this point. I stand 5' 11" tall, with short brown hair, bright blue eyes, and I'm often told a very nice smile. :) Oh, so your smile sucks. I'm D/D WTF? free and physically I'm in good shape. Really? Your picture suggests otherwise. I have a good job, my own home, and I like to think I basically have my life together. All I'm really missing is a wonderful woman to share my life with. So, you're the clingy, stalker type. Cute. I have MANY interests and hobbies! Way too many to mention them all now. But a short list of some of the things I like would include: hiking, biking, camping, fishing, snow skiing, anything that can be done in the water - especially scuba diving, reading, computers, horseback riding, rollerskating, putt putt, bowling, traveling, movies, dancing, music - all types, but my favorite is oldies from the 50's and 60's, cooking, motorcycles, museums, and amusement parks. See, there really isn't too much I don't enjoy. Basically I like anything that puts a smile on my face! :) So, you have no backbone essentially. You'll do anything I want. Great. Lucky me. I placed my ad here at Match because I was hoping to find a nice, caring, warm hearted woman with a really great sense of humor. Ha! After this post I'm hardly "warm hearted." I'm hoping to find someone who values truth and honesty as much as I do. Life is just too short for anything else. So, now you know a little more about me. I hope I haven't scared you off or put you to sleep at your keyboard. Please write back and tell me more about you. You've scared me off, put me to sleep and I'm not going to write you back. Until then, I hope you have a great day. I'll be looking forward to hearing from you! Take care, _________:) What 40 year old man uses a smiley face? He'd be perfect if I were a Momjeans, because he's clearly a Jorts kind of guy. Jorts for those who don't know is best defined in the urban dictionary: Jean shorts. Worn mostly by children and douchebags. Jorts are perhaps the easiest way to recognize people you will not like. If you wear jorts, you probably don't talk to girls. Case and point, last bold sentence! Here's a visual for your Friday night enjoyment:

"You're Breaking Up...Can You Hear Me Now?"

No, friends, this isn't a blog about Verizon Wireless. This happens to be a phrase that was used far too many times during communication with a very BAD date I just had through a certain popular on-line dating site that rhymes with "hatch.com." That should've been the tip off right there. There's something to be said for people posting accurate pictures of themselves. Like this one, for instance, of me: This is exactly how I look on a non-rainy day. In which case, I look more like this: He on the other hand looked nothing like his picture. Oh...you mean you wear glasses!?! Oh...you're BALD!?! Oh...you're not ATHLETIC as you appeared to be in your HATCH.COM picture?!? Your picture shows you with no mention of glasses, hair and looking quite average. Note to readers: I'm fine with average. I'm average. I'm not fine with misrepresenting yourself. Liars. *sigh* Luckily, there were a few glimmers of silver lining in this date:

• It was a lunch date
• It was a lunch date at Olive Garden
• It was a lunch date at Olive Garden and we both ordered things that were brought out FAST
• It was a lunch date at Olive Garden and we both ordered things that were brought out FAST and we took no longer than an hour THANK YOU BABY JESUS
• It was a lunch date at Olive Garden THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN IN THE HISTORY OF EVER

Readers beware of men wearing these glasses: http://www.ray-ban.com/USA/