How's Texas?!?

Texas the state is great so far. My Seasonal Affective(ness?) Disorder is gone, girl. There's so much sunshine I have built up a reserve for the cloudy days. Everyone is very friendly and lots of COWS!! LONGHORNS!! HORSIES!! Like. Everywhere. 

Temporary housing in Texas is ... Well, high level - it's fine. If I gave you a virtual tour you'd say: That's not so bad!! 

Closer look there's a lot of emphasis on the not so bad. 

The set up and layout is like a beach condo. Open, airy, you can almost feel the ocean breeze on your face when you close your eyes. Wait. What the ... Oh it was just baby drool. Exactly. It's exactly like that. Here are a couple like that  examples - 

Hardwood floors: Totally great. Easy clean up. No allergies.

Hardwood floors REALITY: What's that sound coming from the floor above us? Who is walking back and forth (and back and forth and back and ...) in high heels and dress shoes? Who walks around that much!?!? Especially between the hours of 6am to 10am and again from 5pm to midnight?!? A) Cool, Rocketts!! B) No less than 15 whores or C) Fifty Shades of Grey: The Musical. 

Disposal: Yay! No food laying around in the sink! 

Disposal REALITY: The disposal sounds like the world is ending. Pictures fall off the walls. Glasses shatter. It's basically like Celine Dion singing under these cabinets for an hour. Basically. 

Dishwasher: Thank goodness. My hands are already so dry from washing them after someone shits themselves. Hand washing is not an option. 

Dishwasher REALITY: It cleans with such gusto that it breaks the sound barrier when it switches cycles. Seriously, it wakes the baby up. I can't even hear myself think when it's running like right now ... Purple! No wait, Chinese food!! Aw hell, giraffes! Wait. What?!?

So. All in all ... It's like a Celine Dion under the cabinet live concert here. Or like, an onion. The more layers you pull back the more you start to cry and then ugly cry/gag.

That time where the kids were thriving but I was not ...

Today, I achieved the impossible. I managed to get stranded inside Target.

You're thinking right now: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my dream. I'm jealous!

Not in broad daylight with three kids - one of which is cutting six teeth - you're not. 

How does this happen? Well. It happens when you let said teething child, nom nom nom on your keys because otherwise the world is ending. It happens somewhere between the parking lot where you are trying desperately to not have your children become pancakes and aisle number I DON'T KNOW WHERE ANYTHING IS and OMG the screaming, teething baby. It happens after you have paid for groceries (including milk products and freezer items) are walking with your children to the car reach for your keys and they aren't there. It happens when you empty the contents of your diaper bag in the parking lot only to realize OH. F@#%$!!! Trust me. The impossible CAN happen. 

So, I picked up the contents of my diaper bag, trucked everyone back inside Target with our full cart and retraced my steps like 5.5 million times. Somewhere around time 3 million I did have the wherewithal to call my husband who has the only other keys to the car. We retraced my steps together and still no keys. Checked with Guest Services to no keys. After crying UNCLE we gave up and left my number with the lady at Guest Services. All we can do is hope that someone turns them in, or finds them or whatever. 

I did learn that sometimes when you are praying and asking God for a sign and saying please, please lead me to the keys because even YOU God can hear how loud this baby is crying. Even He says: 

Sorry. I don't have a Me Damned clue where they could be either. Good luck.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-chaaaaaaaaaanges

I find people's reactions to life changes/choices so amazing. As well as how much stake we put into people's reactions when they are notified of these life changes/choices. Think about it. A negative or doubtful questioning of a choice could make you feel like you are making the biggest mistake of your life - even when you've already come to terms with it and accepted it. Will it change your mind completely? Probably not. But it can impact your overall feeling about the choice. On the other hand, a positive reaction and encouragement, makes you feel like you are absolutely doing the 100% right thing. Even if it crashes and burns in the end; even when you came to terms with it and accepted it.

I am a firm believer in this:

“In the end that was the choice you made, and it doesn't matter how hard it was to make it. It matters that you did.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

and this:

“Let go, Let God.” ― God

We have no control - especially when we crave control - it's simply not up to us. What is up to us, however, is making the most out of our life choices. Because in the end the decisions we make and the road we travel to reach those decisions are our choice.

Two beautiful examples:

A) Matthew 

My pregnancy with Matthew was far from idyllic. Aside from the fact that pregnancy is uncomfortable, I was without a spouse or partner to go through the experience with. I was, and still am, blessed with an amazing support system of family and friends - for whom I still remain eternally grateful. Even with that support system, overall reaction to my news was very grim and sad and overall negative. These reactions weren't going to sway my decision because I made the choice to keep him and be his mommy and love him unconditionally; but perception gave the feeling that I was making the biggest mistake of my life. Fast forward to his birthday, 6/30/2007 and it was clear as day that he was one of my greatest achievements. 

B) Texas

I've married an amazing, cute and smart man who has a very specific career. The need for those who can do his job is great. His job and advancement in his career is taking us to the great state of Texas. We are very excited for the opportunity but will also leave a large part of our heart in Virginia. However, the response to this news has been overwhelmingly positive. Here's an obviously bittersweet situation, but reception feels like, while it will be hard, it's the right decision. 

We don't have crystal ball, this move could crash and burn - but it won't be from my attitude and outlook. It'll be because the job doesn't work out or we further advance my husband's career by moving elsewhere. I've accepted this move 100% and I'm ready for the life change and all the new experiences Texas has to offer!

Follow up from "Fall Back"

Since we'll be springing forward in a few weeks ... what better time to update on the Fall Back post below.

The 1/2 marathon was a huge success and even though I didn't do as well as I had hoped read: I had to walk some. I still set a PR of 2:09:09.

PR by a minute but hey, a PR is a PR. Next time we're hoping for 2:00:00 or under!

Fall Back ...

How TRUE!! Er. Mah. Gerd.

Spring Forward.

In the Spring I decided to run a marathon. My first marathon. Something that I've always wanted to do and what better time to do it than after you've had a baby are looking for a way to get out of your post partum depression. I loved the training program, the people I met and how it immediately cleared my mind. Most of all I felt strong and athletic afterwards - neither of which I'd really ever felt before. Because I never really, like really really, trained for anything before. And then Spring turned to Summer and Summer to ...

Fall Back.

Welp. The Fall and I have never really gotten along too well. Especially, early Fall - when it's warm and leaves are on the ground and pollen and mold invade my nostrils. This marathon thing, I don't take a marathon lightly. You have to train for it. I do believe that anyone, of any size and any stature and athletic ability, can run a marathon but ... you have to train for it. Then came a couple of medical set backs that completely prohibited me from training, let alone exercising. During that time I missed a lot of the longer distance, important, training runs and catching up would be hard. I quickly realized I just can't do it. Not now. We'll see about next year, it's not off the books just yet! Since I paid for the race, I transferred my registration to the 1/2 marathon. Once I got over feeling like a quitter and completely defeated, I realized that after this year I am in need of something that I know I can accomplish and that I can do well. I'm hoping for a PR this 1/2 marathon. 

And maybe, initially, I bit off more than I could chew and now I'm where I should've been from the start.

Happiness - you feel amazing

Hello!!!

I haven't posted in a while. Part due to not having time and part because I just haven't really felt like it. Remember this post? And then this one? Well, I feel like now, the postpartum fog is finally, 100% gone. I've had happy days here and there but even on those days if the house was the least bit disorganized or if toys were strewn everywhere from Thing 1 and Thing 2, the sheer thought of picking up or cleaning seemed so daunting that the best option was just to sit and mope. Even going back to work, which was such a happy, fulfilling feeling - something that I hadn't felt in months, didn't feel 100% happy; the same things would still get me down, depressed and completely unmotivated. 

So! I had to post today because I feel like lately, thinking back over the past few weeks and days and thinking today I'm SO happy. There isn't a fog anymore. I still find I have to dig deep to find motivation to clean - but that's pretty much how it was before Baby Sister. I've never been one that loves to clean. If we could afford it and the minute we can we're getting a cleaning service. 

Taking care of Baby Sister and being a stay at home Mom now feels like something I can tackle. I have desire to meet up with other Mom's and outwardly seek play dates. Before, I wanted to, but it felt like it would be more of a chore or too hard because everything felt so overwhelming. I also felt like it would be hard because those Mom's loved being a stay at home Mom and at the time I didn't. Faking happiness seemed too hard. Now, when people say "you'll never get these days/months/years back" re: staying home with Baby Sister I get it. Now, I want to stay home with her. I want to see her first steps, I want to spend time with her. Staying home with her no longer feels devastatingly lonely even though it is lonely sometimes or that there's something else that I should be doing. Granted, I love working, so I do want to do that again one day but now I feel truly happy about what I'm doing and the little person with whom I spend 90% of my day. 

I just feel happy. I feel like Angela. Not happy but ... not like myself but ... there aren't any but's anymore. 

Therapy - certainly helped I continue to go. But I also think time helped too; and having an insanely supportive and understanding husband. His lack of gender role specific household ideology has been so wonderful. On the days where loading the dishwasher seemed like an insurmountable task - he would not only load it but clean the whole kitchen. Without my even having to ask. He just did it. He could see the sadness, see how hard it was. Yes, it was bad. Very bad. I love him so much. My family has been great too, helping to keep my expectations realistic and doing all they can to help.

It just feels good to finally look around and truly appreciate everything about my life, and my new "career." It's not all rainbows and butterflies but on the days where it's not it I can be realistic about life again. And it feels GOOD!!!

Un.Believable.

People never cease to amaze. Manners? Polite? What IS that?!?

From the moment I first held Lovie in my arms I knew one day that I'd probably have to address the Are you his nanny? conversation. He's a completely different (darker) color family than me (whiter than white). Mostly, from children - their curious minds running rampant with how to put the two of us together. Not thinking that someone so white could have such a delicious little brown berry. And I don't really take offense to that. They are kids. Do I think that it's rude? Of course, but you can't fault kids for their parents shortcomings. And to a certain point kids are going to be kids no matter how much you instill in them to be polite, treat everyone the same, don't talk about others who look different, etc.

What surprises me are the number of ADULTS who within ear shot of Lovie will question me, more than once mind you, in sheer disbelief, of whether or not I'm his mother. Lately, there have been three such instances and I don't know whether to be appalled or admired by their gall. 

#1 Sweet Frog (fro-yo joint) 
Mr. Nonmomjeans and Baby Sister are getting their toppings and I'm back helping Lovie get his froyo ... Mister behind us is staring at the interaction not only between me and Lovie but noticing Mr. Nonmomjeans and Baby Sister. I can feel the wheels in his head churning. We proceed to sit down and as a family enjoy and finish our froyo - Mister and his Mrs. sit at the table behind us and have periodically smiled and flirted with both children. As I'm getting up to throw our trash away, with Lovie in tow being a helper, Mister asks "Is he yours?" to which I respond yes and that he's almost five. To which he says, "REALLY!?! He's yours? He's so much darker than you!?!" Lovie is right there. Standing next to me. I say pointedly, Yes. He is. And walk away. 

I'm always caught off guard by situations like this. My blood was boiling and I would've loved to have thrown my trash in his face and say something like mind your own G.D. business. But I'm too nice. I think I'm caught off guard by people asking such questions in general. Because I would just NEVER EVER do that. Especially, with the child in question standing right there. And quite frankly, I don't care what your family situation is. I don't care if you don't look like your children. You're a happy family. That's all that matters. It's none of my business how you got that way.

#2 Pool
Child instance. To which I am somewhat less disgusted by, but again with Lovie right there asks me "Is that your son?" Yes he's my son. "Are you sure he's your son." Yes; he's my son. "He doesn't look like you at all." I wish I knew where this child's parents were sitting. 

#3 Busch Gardens
Standing in line for Elmo's Rollercoaster - Gentleman with his son in tow ask "Is he yours?" Yep. "Really?!? He's so tan. Like really, really tan." Yes he sure is and we should all be so lucky - was my response. 

I really have to start thinking of something witty/sarcastic and disrespectful back to these assholes. The amount of disrespect they feel they can show in front of my child is horrific. But you know what, part of me handles it in a cool, calm manner because I don't want to draw any more attention to it in front of Lovie than is necessary. And quite frankly, five is not the time to have the heart-to-heart discussion with him about why he is shades darker than the rest of his family. 

And guess what. HE has yet to ask WHY he LOOKS different because he doesn't see color. He just sees love.