The Curious Case of the Pussy Pocket

Like you, I hate the p word. The details listed in this blog are not ones that I am proud of as a parent, but I had to share because I just can't even sometimes. At the time the p word was used, it was in the most innocent way. Lastly, it's sad that there are two parts to this story and I will move mountains to ensure that there's not a third. Pray for me.

Part 1
Last week, while I was straightening my hair, Matthew was playing a game on my phone in my room and Abigail and Mae were watching a show in the family room. (Which is right outside our first floor master bedroom.) The girls were perfectly calm and occupied and I have a hard time doing two things at once, especially with a hot iron in hand, so I wasn't giving Matthew much attention. With one ear open I think I hear the word pussy? I told myself:

No way, you're just hearing things.

Because there's absolutely NO logical reason why annnnyone in my family would use that word. So, I continue to focus all my attention on straightening my hair, keeping one ear open. Then I hear Matthew giggle and say:

Siri. Show me a picture of Boushie Parker. (Read: He asked Siri to show him a picture of Mae)

Now, that both my ears are open, I hear Siri, clear as day respond with: 

I'm sorry. I can't find any images of a pussy pocket on the web.

At this moment the only thing that comes to my mind is:

Fuck.

Matthew starts giggling and comes into the bathroom with a big innocent smile on his face and an eruption of laughter and says: 

Momma!! I asked Siri for a picture of Boushie and she said A PUSSY POCKET???!!!!! WHAT EVEN IS THAT??!??? I know what a pocket is but a PUSSY???!!!!! WHAT'S A PUSSY!?!??

As he's talking I'm all WTF, Siri!!! Also, slightly surprised and grateful she couldn't find a picture, doesn't the Internet have a picture of everything? I have so many weaknesses as a person and parent and one thing that I clearly need to work on is thinking on feet and becoming better at lying. Because I told my  9 year old the severity of the word "pussy" ... while he's giggling ... because that's what you do when you hear pussy pocket for the first time.

Sweet Mother of God, then there's Part 2:

Yesterday was a wash from the get go. Mae came into our bed at zero dark AF thirty and neither she nor I fell asleep til around 5 am. At 6:30 Matthew came down, got the dog out of his crate - at which point Mae was up and out of bed to participate - they took him out to the backyard to do his dooty. Mike was up at 7 to get ready for work.

Usually in the mornings, I try to stay in bed for as long as I possibly can - desperately hanging on to any small fragments of sleep that the kids will allow me to capture. While lying in my bed I am able to yell into the family room from my bed when I hear things getting out of hand. Depending on how much sleep I got, I sometimes try to convince by babies to come in and snuggle. That wasn't the case yesterday. I tried my hardest to keep them relegated to the kitchen until it got to the point where I felt like I was being a bad mom.

Mike left around 7:30 at which point I got up and put my contacts in. I came out into the kitchen to find Mae at the dog bowl, eating dog food with the dog. Wait? What??!???? As I scream at her to:

OMG!!!STOPIT!!!OMG!!!

And pry her mouth open to try and remove as many remnants of dog food as I can, the dog goes into the dining room and pees on the rug. Awesome. Is it too early to drink?!?

In the afternoon, I took the kids to the mall. I was on a unsuccessful quest for a new handbag. During this excursion I was told I was the meanest mommy ever because I wouldn't buy them every GD thing they saw or touched. In every story they asked when were were going to leave because they were soooooooo bored! So, after the millionth time they asked, I responded with:

Never. Keep asking and we're staying here until the store closes. 

The we love you so much, Momma's and the you are the best Momma ever's came rolling in after that.

After providing free birth control for everyone at the mall, I took the kids to get take out Chipotle for dinner because Mike was at a team dinner for work. Back home, after the kids have finished eating and are running around playing puppies, I'm cleaning up reflecting on how the day seemed to have redeemed itself from the morning's antics. That's where I went wrong, you think I would have learned by now to never reflect on how your kids redeemed themselves when there are still waking hours in the day. As if reading my mind and wanting to prove me wrong, Matthew comes up to me at the kitchen sink with this gem: 

Hey Momma!! When the dog is being bad we should call him PUSSY POCKET!!!

SHUT UP. Are you kidding me? I have to digest these words AGAIN!!???!!! What did I ever do to deserve this??? While he's giggling uncontrollably, my eyes are as big as saucers trying to stifle laughter and process all of this. At which point Abigail, not to be outdone by her older brother, strips off her shirt and screams:

LETS GET NAKED AND HAVE A DANCE PARRRRRRTYYYY!!!!!

Today's agenda:

1. Dropping my kids off at church.
2. Leaving them there until they are AT LEAST 30. At. Least.