The TGIF Shit gods

It's 9:45 am on Friday and I've already bathed the dog and Mae. If I saw that sentence on Facebook I'd be all Shut your face, you overachiever. Or maybe even Oh good for her, she's finally mastered time management. Well, get ready to feel better about yourselves kids! 

The dog, Walter, has had a bath because he was rolling in his own shit in the backyard, got all muddy, and was later drinking from the toilet. My kid has had a bath because she shit herself AND the stairs. The events of this morning have changed my day. I had hopes of making a spaghetti squash in the crock pot with my own meat sauce for dinner! What!!!?!? However, now, when I think of dinner, I think of the shit I just wiped off my kid; so dinner is might be a bottle of wine and a big ole middle finger. It's fine. 

You are probably saying to yourself, How does all this happen? What are you doing while everyone is shitting themselves? Happy to explain, especially since I'm in the business of making people feel like they have their shit together, while I do not. When the dog goes out, Mae goes out. She brings everything with her to go out: sippy cup, bowl of fruit and a toy. While I'm out with the dog she will want to go back in. Because WE APPARENTLY WANT WHAT WE CAN'T HAVE ALL THE TIME. Mae can't open doors. Which basically translates into me either letting people in or out of the house all day. As most of you know for shit to get real it takes about 5 seconds. I'm also allergic to whining. Highly allergic. There was a lot of that as I let Mae inside. I made it stop and got her a drink of GD water while the dog was outside, in the backyard that's fenced in, unattended. I even thought I'm sure the dog will be fine for like .5 seconds. WRONG. Hence the shit, mud sequence. The toilet water came when I was cleaning Mae's shit off the stairs. Mae ran upstairs in her room, where she was probably playing with her shit, and the dog went into the downstairs bathroom and was drinking the toilet water. Mae shits herself because she's still in a diaper. #judgeaway

When shit like this happens to me and involves actual shit, I want all the sympathy, all the kudos, all the reassurances that I don't have SARS or ebola or (insert awful disease acquired by shit here). Because it's so. disgusting. By the way, isn't Friday when we say Thank God It's Friday!!! I mean WTF, Friday?!? This morning the only god that heard me say Thank God It's Friday!!! was the god of shit. Friday Shit Gods I surrender. This is not a weakness issue but rather a sanitation issue. You are gross AF. Let's collectively hope, for the dinner options for my kids if nothing else, that this day gets better.