November 6, 2010

Six years. Six years that feel like a lifetime ago where I still remember every detail and feel all the feels as if they were yesterday. Our wedding day was the happiest day of my life. Not only because it was full of happiness and love and JOY but because on this day six years ago Matthew got a Dad. For the first time in his life he had a Dad. Because of this day, for the rest of Matthew's life, he has a man in his life who will not abandon him, who will love him, who will show up for him, who will guide him, who will discipline him, who will show him what success and hard work looks like. A man who will BE there. I still feel so lucky to have found someone who started my family.

Shortly after we got married Mike adopted Matthew. Signed, sealed, delivered - euphoria. Second happiest day of my life. Mike and I knew that one day, Matthew would look at his beautiful skin and realize that he's not at all in the same color family as we are - even though we are a family. We met with a counselor who told us that our concern was very valid and likely this question would not be brought up by Matthew but by other curious children. We told her we needed lots of guidance on how to navigate this specifically because the man whose DNA makes up the other half of Matthew hasn't been a part of his life (his choice) since I found out I was pregnant. She was an angel and gave us lots of great advice and talking points - that I never would have been able to come up with so eloquently on my own. Even armed with these great words, I felt a pit in my stomach that I would have to have this conversation one day. But life continued along at warp speed.

And then this Spring, in the car on a sunny day, I felt as though someone had punched me in the stomach. Matthew says:

Why is my skin not the same color as the sisters? Why do they have peach skin and I have brown skin? Am I Indian? Why do I look so different? 

His words were very demanding. There was no getting out of it. The time had come. I responded:

Do you know what color hair Nana and Papa have? Black. Like yours. Do you know whose eyes you have? Mine. Do you know how much you look like each of your sisters? So much!! Bud, families are made in all sorts of different ways and tonight I want to talk to you about how our family was made, ok? But right now you need to understand that you are made up of many different parts of our family - the color of your skin is just the way God made you. Absolutely perfect.

I will never forget that day. It truly sucks having an adult conversation with a child. Later that night we had a deeper conversation like I had promised:

Do you remember where you lived as a baby and before our wedding day? With Nana and Papa. And then Daddy found us and we got married - do you remember that? How much fun that day was? Daddy has loved you ever since he met you. And then do you remember how after Daddy married us, we had the sisters? Well some families are made after you have a wedding. Some families are made before. Some families are made by adopting children, some people have two families because they are divorced. Before Daddy found us, Mommy met a man who had black hair like you and brown skin like you and that's how you got such perfect skin. And Mommy loved you from the minute that God put you in my belly. And Nana and Papa love you so much - and your uncles love you so much - And Daddy loves you SO MUCH - everyone basically loves you SO MUCH. There's not a day of your life that you weren't loved.  

He asked a few questions in between but he loved hearing about how much he was loved. Then we looked at some pictures of when he was a baby and that's been it since. We kept it about the love. Mike and I thought it was important to not lie to him, as did the counselor. But she also said to keep things simple until their minds can handle the bigger conversations. The last thing you ever want to do is stress a child out.

That is the very long version of the importance of our wedding day. Our family story of how we were made. A day of gratitude and joy that will always hold such special meaning. When things feel hard and life feels hard and conversations feel hard I try to hold onto these sayings:

                      

                      


Cheers!

**Please know that the conversations here are personal to our family specifically between me and our child. It may not apply to all families or situations. I also know what my child can handle - emotionally and mentally and socially. Please if you decide to comment keep it kind and thoughtful. Thank you!**