Top Gifts for Kids

Finding the perfect gift for your child, let alone any other, is as illusive as finding a Unicorn/Centaur/Big Foot. Mostly because all children suffer from The Grass is Always Greener Syndrome, illustrated below:

Child: Can I bring my bucket and Iron Man to the pool?
Parent: Ok. 

At the pool ... Child plays with EVERY other child's toys but their beloved bucket and Iron Man. 

Leaving the pool ... bucket and Iron Man are stolen but that's FINE because your child is melting down because s/he can't take Random Child's plastic Solo cup home. 

ALL of the toys/gifts in this post are guaranteed to be a hit and played with over and over again. All toys/gifts are gender neutral and span the ages. However, to eliminate any confusion I've included recommended age ranges.

Top Ten Gifts for Kids

1.) Box of Tampons OH the puns ...

Apparently taking it back to the reproductive organ that got them here in the first place, provides hours of entertainment. You will also find that it's their go-to toy and will be emptied and NOT picked back up again and again and ...

You get the idea. 
No matter where you hide these to prevent dumping on the floor, they will be found. Promise.

Best for ages: Getting Into Shit and up

2.) Fly Swatter(s)

Ah. An oldie but goody. I highly recommend these. I also recommend buying in bulk and hiding a few for you when the kids go to bed. If you happen to buy just one, then it's not my fault when MAYHEM ensues. 

Best for ages: Not A Blob Anymore to Adult

3.) DVD's 

Do not worry. You don't have to go buy LOST: Season 1 to achieve Gift Utopia, any old DVD will do. This is just what happened to be strewn across the floor when I had the wild hair for this blog post. Not only do all babies know how to open DVD cases but they can successfully remove the disc, suck on the disc and do other unimaginable things to the disc. 

WARNING: DVD's will be left in high traffic areas, slipping may occur. 

Best for ages: All. Effing. Ages.

4.) Swiffer Duster Wand

Cleaning tools in general make excellent gifts. And it teaches kids at a young age to start pulling their own GD weight around here help clean. This toy is ideal for children who are teething and those who want to be a knight when they grow up. 

Make sure the parent clearly understands that this is not a hint or meant to offend them, because of the state of their home. This gift is NOT for them. 

Best for ages: Teething to Doesn't Want To Be A Knight Anymore

5.) Scarves 

Give a kid a scarf and their imagination will come to life right before your eyes. Perfect for the child who desperately wants to be an animal, as scarves make the perfect tail.

Please note: Scarves are NOT seasonal items. And be sure to let the parents know that supervision is required. And that will really earn you brownie points because parents reallllly like to hear stuff like that. 

Best for ages: Starting To Make Animal Sounds through Early Elementary

6.) Magazines

Whether you gift one or three or 10, they will all become completely unreadable in seconds. However, squeals of delight and the ability for the parent to actually make dinner in peace will be worth every hour spent cleaning up the remnants. 

Best for ages: Tearing Things Into Little Teeny Tiny Pieces to Preschool

7.) Toothbrushes

Kids don't give a shit what character's on a toothbrush as long as they are nearly gagging on one they are content. And for the most part during this time they aren't crying or screaming or yelling which = peace and quiet. I recommend getting a pack of more than one since this will be a toy that they will want to have again and again but due to sanitary reasons they may need to be thrown away. Immediately. 

Best for ages: Doesn't Have Teeth to All Ages Because Dental Health Is Important  

8.) Small Shit

Also known as Choking Hazards in the medical community or chokables in the Parker house. While this may seem like a counter productive gift to bring to a birthday party celebrating little Bobby's LIFE it's totally great. Here's why ... kids are notorious for finding the smallest shit, putting it in their mouths and walking around like they own the place. This gift says I'm beating you at your own game small child. Here's a bag of small shit. 

Plus side, great way to practice finger sweeping #lifeskills. Supervision is required.

Best for ages: Putting Small Shit In Mouth to Three-ish

9.) Flashlights

Any flashlight will do, doesn't need to be fancy or spendy or name brand. This is a great way to NOT be prepared for the next power outage or Armageddon because the flashlight will be left on connnnstantly. A pack of batteries would be a good accompanying gift. 

Best for ages: Enjoys Staring At The Sun and up 

10.) Digital Ear Thermometer 

Whether your child, or any child, plays doctor every day or hasn't even been to their first doctor appointment yet, this will be a coveted item. This gift is pricier so you may want to only purchase it for a child that you realllllly like. Otherwise, any of the other cheaper options will yield the same results. 

Best for ages: Knows How To Open Drawers and up

And with that, you're welcome and happy shopping!!