Top Gifts for Kids

Finding the perfect gift for your child, let alone any other, is as illusive as finding a Unicorn/Centaur/Big Foot. Mostly because all children suffer from The Grass is Always Greener Syndrome, illustrated below:

Child: Can I bring my bucket and Iron Man to the pool?
Parent: Ok. 

At the pool ... Child plays with EVERY other child's toys but their beloved bucket and Iron Man. 

Leaving the pool ... bucket and Iron Man are stolen but that's FINE because your child is melting down because s/he can't take Random Child's plastic Solo cup home. 

ALL of the toys/gifts in this post are guaranteed to be a hit and played with over and over again. All toys/gifts are gender neutral and span the ages. However, to eliminate any confusion I've included recommended age ranges.

Top Ten Gifts for Kids

1.) Box of Tampons OH the puns ...

Apparently taking it back to the reproductive organ that got them here in the first place, provides hours of entertainment. You will also find that it's their go-to toy and will be emptied and NOT picked back up again and again and ...

You get the idea. 
No matter where you hide these to prevent dumping on the floor, they will be found. Promise.

Best for ages: Getting Into Shit and up

2.) Fly Swatter(s)

Ah. An oldie but goody. I highly recommend these. I also recommend buying in bulk and hiding a few for you when the kids go to bed. If you happen to buy just one, then it's not my fault when MAYHEM ensues. 

Best for ages: Not A Blob Anymore to Adult

3.) DVD's 

Do not worry. You don't have to go buy LOST: Season 1 to achieve Gift Utopia, any old DVD will do. This is just what happened to be strewn across the floor when I had the wild hair for this blog post. Not only do all babies know how to open DVD cases but they can successfully remove the disc, suck on the disc and do other unimaginable things to the disc. 

WARNING: DVD's will be left in high traffic areas, slipping may occur. 

Best for ages: All. Effing. Ages.

4.) Swiffer Duster Wand

Cleaning tools in general make excellent gifts. And it teaches kids at a young age to start pulling their own GD weight around here help clean. This toy is ideal for children who are teething and those who want to be a knight when they grow up. 

Make sure the parent clearly understands that this is not a hint or meant to offend them, because of the state of their home. This gift is NOT for them. 

Best for ages: Teething to Doesn't Want To Be A Knight Anymore

5.) Scarves 

Give a kid a scarf and their imagination will come to life right before your eyes. Perfect for the child who desperately wants to be an animal, as scarves make the perfect tail.

Please note: Scarves are NOT seasonal items. And be sure to let the parents know that supervision is required. And that will really earn you brownie points because parents reallllly like to hear stuff like that. 

Best for ages: Starting To Make Animal Sounds through Early Elementary

6.) Magazines

Whether you gift one or three or 10, they will all become completely unreadable in seconds. However, squeals of delight and the ability for the parent to actually make dinner in peace will be worth every hour spent cleaning up the remnants. 

Best for ages: Tearing Things Into Little Teeny Tiny Pieces to Preschool

7.) Toothbrushes

Kids don't give a shit what character's on a toothbrush as long as they are nearly gagging on one they are content. And for the most part during this time they aren't crying or screaming or yelling which = peace and quiet. I recommend getting a pack of more than one since this will be a toy that they will want to have again and again but due to sanitary reasons they may need to be thrown away. Immediately. 

Best for ages: Doesn't Have Teeth to All Ages Because Dental Health Is Important  

8.) Small Shit

Also known as Choking Hazards in the medical community or chokables in the Parker house. While this may seem like a counter productive gift to bring to a birthday party celebrating little Bobby's LIFE it's totally great. Here's why ... kids are notorious for finding the smallest shit, putting it in their mouths and walking around like they own the place. This gift says I'm beating you at your own game small child. Here's a bag of small shit. 

Plus side, great way to practice finger sweeping #lifeskills. Supervision is required.

Best for ages: Putting Small Shit In Mouth to Three-ish

9.) Flashlights

Any flashlight will do, doesn't need to be fancy or spendy or name brand. This is a great way to NOT be prepared for the next power outage or Armageddon because the flashlight will be left on connnnstantly. A pack of batteries would be a good accompanying gift. 

Best for ages: Enjoys Staring At The Sun and up 

10.) Digital Ear Thermometer 

Whether your child, or any child, plays doctor every day or hasn't even been to their first doctor appointment yet, this will be a coveted item. This gift is pricier so you may want to only purchase it for a child that you realllllly like. Otherwise, any of the other cheaper options will yield the same results. 

Best for ages: Knows How To Open Drawers and up

And with that, you're welcome and happy shopping!!

Misery loves company

**WARNING: Post may cause stress and anxiety. Contains graphic images.**

Before I jump right in, I need you to go get a cup of coffee, or juice, or water, or straight Kahlua or vodka, whatever ... to help ease you into a post about ...

LAUNDRY.

It's ok. You can go. Your page view still counts and that's really the only reason I have a blog so ... What. I thought this is the era where honesty is applauded???

ANYWAY. In Virginia we had an upstairs laundry room and to anyone who would listen I would be all like:

Since our laundry room is UPSTAIRS it's so hard to do laundry with the kids downstairs! I guess I could do it at night but I am sooooo tired from surviving all day that it's the last thing I want to do. It just doesn't get done.

Here in Texas our laundry room is downstairs and to anyone who listens I'm all like:

I hate laundry. It's the bane of my existence. There just aren't enough hours in the day to do it. It just doesn't get done.

So, for those who were wondering and waiting with baited breath as to whether I have been doing laundry now that it's downstairs, the answer is NO. Largely, because I've realized that laundry is completely counter productive. It's a vicious cycle and our society is so backwards that being naked isn't allowed laundry problem solved guys. Also, because the life cycle of laundry in The Parker house looks like this:

Phase One: Laundry is taken to Master Bedroom - folding and sorting takes place. Child has started destruction.

Phase Two: All sorting is destroyed, folding is unrecognizable. Child is in process of taking every folded item out of basket and off of bed.

Phase Three: Child is successful in creating a tornado of clothing. Parents get 100 extra points for being able to spot child among destruction.

Phase Four: Parents proceed to drink and cry and make an "Empress Face" while doing so.

I know. They are just children of the corn being children of the corn. I make a billion steps forward and they take me back to B.C. Hell, at least you don't have to wash loin cloths. They make #thestruggle so real it hurts.

Remember this post about Spring Break and how we just basically went to the art museum? Well, this picture has become my heartbeat song:

Maybe gold body paint while doing laundry would make it more ... better???

The only difference between this picture and reality is that I'm not golden.

So, if you have gathered that what I'm putting down is that I don't enjoy a majority of what it takes to be a stay-at-home-mom, then you are picking up EVERYTHING.

#relationshipgoals

These days my relationship goals are pretty simple: be kind and respectful, laugh a lot and grow old together. Basically so that Mike and I can be these people: 

However, a couple of years ago, I used to think that our relationship goals needed to be knowing and respecting each other's love language all day, every day for the rest of our lives. The smash hit The Five Love Languages, has become a bible of sorts among relationship experts, therapists and christian leaders, etc. This book leads us to believe that knowing how our spouses/significant others/friends receive love will allow to to have a better relationship and connection with them. Here's a quick break down of the five love languages: 

Gifts like diamonds 

Quality Time taking the day off work to pick out diamonds ... together 

Words of Affirmation You look so pretty in diamonds. 

Acts of Service I bought you diamonds because you slept poorly last night.  

Physical Touch holding hands while shopping for diamonds

So, to anyone who is in a relationship or who has even one friend you know that this is all a big heaping pile of BULL SHIT. We all need and want all of these things all the time because it's called respect and care and love and appreciation. All of these love languages together are the perfect recipe for any friendship and relationship. Not just one. I realize that perhaps we give more of these, and want some of these, at different times. But that doesn't mean that we should only give one all the time.

If you can't tell, after reading the book a few years ago, I identified myself as a Gifts person 110%. However, when I looked at my relationship, Mike was constantly doing Acts of Service for me and I was so frustrated! Because, for the millionth time, THAT'S NOT MY FUCKING LOVE LANGUAGE, honey. The only thing that was being created was a lack of gratitude and appreciation and healthy dose of resentment. Since I was so frustrated that he wasn't giving me gifts, you know, all the time, I failed to realize that his Acts of Service were Gifts.

Maybe this is just a way for me to admit in a safe place that,

Hello. My name is Angela and I am ALLLLLLL of the love languages.

Or maybe it's just truth. That the perfect relationship cocktail pun intended, ladies includes a dash, shot, pour and sprinkle of them all.

I can cheers to that! 

I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles

Lately, I've gotten back into running. The biggest reason being that my cousin and I are planning on doing a 1/2 marathon together either this Summer or Fall. The second biggest reason is so I don't take up day drinking during the week.

Either from running or from all the concrete everywhere, since moving to Texas, my feet hurt so bad! I feel like they feel like carpel tunnel feels like. Or like The Empress from Never Ending Story:

Perfect facial representation of my feet.

You would think that since I'm so charming and really good at not too many things except keeping my kids alive, that my husband would come home from work and be all:

Hey! Let me rub your feet. You did so much work carrying these babies for 9 months and today you were walking around the house trying to hide from the kids. So, you should take a load off. Hey. Take a vacation even. Alllll by yourself. In a closet with a lock for a week. 

I DIGRESS. Long story short - I really enjoy margaritas so run I must, despite feet.

I've noticed recently on my runs that music playing is a must. In the past, I've always enjoyed not running to music because I have the longest stream of consciousness running through my mind at all times. I am never lacking for anxiety or entertainment. Now, since Google Music exists, I love to have that play through my phone during my runs. It makes my stream of consciousness shut the f**k up for like 30 minutes so I can actually enjoy myself. 

But Angela what about your high maintenance ears? Well, since my ears are either so effing small or very sensitive, I cannot wear ear buds. They make my equilibrium all off, I feel like I have the flu, I feel like my ears itch, I feel like there's a bug in my ear, they feel infected instantly, they keep popping out all the time. I know. Add it to the list, right? What does this MEAN?!? It means that I play my music through my phone speaker, which then means that I sometimes have to turn down FOR WHAT my music selection. But you're a mom. I thought you like to run to classical and opera music? OMG. Stop it.

My running music goes like this in no particular order because that would be like picking a favorite child: 

Outkast 

Lil John

Pit bull

Three 6 Mafia

T.I.

Jay Z 

DMX 

Eminem 

Dre

Luda
Rihanna

So. Not really family friendly. But SO GOOD for making you run faster so you can get home and hop in your drop top and cruise with your shawty all laid back with your mindonyourmoneyandyourmoneyonyourmind ... amiright!?!?! 

IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, I shave about 30 seconds off my time with this gem of a playlist. I guess when you find what speaks to you it motivates you. So, haters remember:

You can take the baby outta the girl, but you cannot take the gangster rap outta of the GURL.

Ever? Forever, ever.

T & A

This post requires a key, please revert to this throughout the post to better understand what body part is being talked about:

Key

T Tits A Ass Ninny Milks Tits Hammies Ass Girl Pip Vagina Boy Pip Penis

Lately, The Parker Babies are pretty obsessed with body parts. Lately, Abigail is very obsessed with ...  drumroll ... Ninny Milks!!! I'm pretty sure this has EVERYTHING to do with her other obsession of Katy Perry.

Daily are the conversations about when her Ninny Milks are going to get bigger, and why can't she have big ones now, and when will she get them, and how will she get them. She sings songs about getting them, she talks about Ninny Milks the whole ride to school, home from school, during bath time ... it's like she's a teenage boy trapped in a three year old girl's body. Every morning she asks me, for confirmation: 

When I'm an adult, I'll get bigger Ninny Milks, right?

Since she wants them NOW and wants them BAD, and time is not a concept that's well grasped by children, I've told her that they will get bigger when she's an adult. And she can buy them. Because unfortunately for sweet Abby Ru, large Ninny Milks do not run in our family. 

Then there's the pip talk. Both Matthew and Abigail sing songs about doing peeps out of their boy and girl pips, with such gusto they could take it on tour. FaceTime with my parents has become them stripping down to their underwear and running up and down the hall, screaming:

Nakie hammies time!!

Even Baby Mae gets in on that action and proceeds to take her clothes off whenever she hears the FaceTime ring.

I'm not going to lie, having kids who are so comfortable and pleased with their pips and hammies, is mortifying at times. Like when they pull their pants down and expose themselves on the school bus. In first grade. That's not so cute. It requires a back to square one approach and reviewing the rules of when and where it's OK to be naked. Those lines get blurred quick, apparently. 

But as a recovering pubescent teen I do hope my children keep a certain level of comfort and adoration for their little bodies. I know that one day they may have body image issues. I think it's one of those things that's a fact of life. But, like most facts of life, a lot lies in how we react/respond. Thinking about potential body image issues as a parent is sad, because their little bodies are SO perfect, it's impossible to think that one day they could dislike parts of it.

This causes self reflection on what I can do now to try to encourage positive body image. So, I made up a little diddly that Abigail and I sing a lot:

We have beautiful bod-ies/We have beautiful bod-ies/We have beautiful bod-ieeeeeeeeesssssss/Repeat/Repeat/Repeat etc.

This came about because kids are curious. Mine wanted to know why my tummy looks like that? You can't begrudge them, you just offer a very neutral, Switzerland response like:  

Because you're a miracle 

And they are back to wanting to get cuddly on your bed and knock off all the folded laundry. But!! Our bodies are beautiful!! I've birthed and breastfed three kids OF COURSE it's LESS head, shoulders, knees and toes; and MORE head, shoulders, boobs and stomach down to your toes. It's a GD miracle that gravity is SUCH a b. They are miracles.

Healthy bodies come in all shapes, sizes, colors, forms, etc. I always try to make sure I exercise with my kids or that they see me exercise because above whether their boobs are down to their toes or not, I want them to be healthy. If they are that, then that to me is a victory.

Misadventures with a curling iron

Now that I'm 34, I thought I should try my hand again at using a curling iron. I had a brief stint with one back in high school but instead of curls, I basically just burnt my scalp a whole bunch. Since then, I either use a flat iron or hot curlers because the higher the hair ...

Bed, Bath & Beyond was all like ...

We promise you will have hair JUST like this if you get this one 

And I was all like ...

Sure! I'm a total target audience and I want hair like the prostitute's hers

***WARNING GRAPHIC IMAGE - NO MAKEUP*** 

Well. Ahem. After nearly ONE GD HOUR with that fucking curling iron ... 

It's straighter than it is when I use a flat iron.  

OH and a few minutes later, any and all semblance of curl ... GONE ... 

I mean. If we think hard about this can we really expect much more?!? I burn food in a crockpot. I'm hearing LOUD AND CLEAR that a curling iron is just not in the cards for me. Add it to the growing list.

As my boy TuPac says 

That's just the way it is ... Something's will never change. 

Amen, homes. Amen.

Killer Bees and Spring Break

Back story: My oldest, Matthew, is TERRIFIED of bees. Paralyzingly, horrifically terrified. To abate his fear, my husband told him that in Texas, he doesn't have to worry about bees. Texas only has killer bees. Thanks, honey!!

Since The Parker's kicked off Spring Break with an exciting trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond, I was hell bent on making the rest of the week a touch more adventurous. Allow us to reflect ...

Day Two 

It was another drizzly day outside, so we needed something indoors. The Parker babies were eager and excited for a second go at the Dallas Museum of Art. I'm proud to report that they all passed with flying colors in a Do NOT Touch situation, no alarms were set off, no items went missing. 

After giggling over the prevalence of naked hineys ... and asking in non indoor voices: 

Why did people like to show their boy pips?!? 

We topped off the trip with a trolley ride through downtown Dallas. It was a great way to see the city and it was the first real, electric trolley ride for all of us! 

Highlight reel: 

Story. Of. My. Life. 

Mummy!!

Oh look. Something for me to climb on.

Trolley ride with boo bear.

The Parker Babies in all their glory.

Day Three

The weather for the week was warm but drizzly or raining, except for this day. We had heard only good things about the Dallas Zoo, so this how that went: 

Me: Hey guys! Today, how about we go to the zoo!!??!!

Abigail: *sobbing* I don't wanna go to the zoo!!! Momma!!! I wanna go to the Art museum!!!

Matthew: *sobbing* I don't wanna go outside!! I don't want to go to the zoo!! 

Me: GUYS. CALM THE FUCK DOWN. 

Abigail: I wanna go to the art museum.

Matthew: I don't want to go to the zoo because of all the killer bees.

So, I bribed them with The art museum is closed and There aren't killer bees at the park down the street. And off we went to the park down the street because clearly everyone needed some Vitamin D. 

Pics so it's real:

Game: Find The Parker Babies

Day Four

Rain was in the forecast off and on all day. Since killer bees were imminent and art museum was still a spirited request - we went back downtown to Reunion Tower. I highly recommend it. If you have time, and no small children, have a meal at the top of the tower in Wolfgang Puck's Five Sixty. At the base of the tower is a Hyatt Regency hotel, and a slew of other restaurants. 

Dallas has a lot of random green space in the downtown areas. Outside of Reunion Tower is a beautiful plot of green grass. So, we let off some energy before getting back in the car to head home.

We all loved this outing, it was cool to get a birds eye, 360* view of Dallas, and the kids had a blast.  

Reunited and it feeeeeeelssss sooooo goooooooo-oood:

Mae pretending like she's never seen grass before.

Day Five

I can't remember a thing that we did this day. I think we stayed home, maybe went to Target and probably ate our feelings had Sweet Frog again.

All in all, killer bees didn't kill our spirit during a rainy, cloudy Spring Break.