Zen

Typically, when we get in the car, or are riding in the car, my kids think:

Fire up that loud 

This causes me to want a (during and after, said car ride):

[Another] round of shots 

My bet is that Lil Jon, and DJ Snake for that matter, never imagined that Turn Down For What would define a white, suburban mom's whip with her shorties. But it does and it did yesterday, as I achieved zen in the car.

Angela how???!!! Share your secret with us!!!

Well. I tranced out is that even a thing? my kids with 43 minutes of Turn Down For What on repeat.

Wait. I thought you said you achieved zen??? 

Let's not put lines and barriers around zen OK? Let's appreciate it for what it is ... No talking. No crying. No nothing. Just relative silence.

So, I'm namaste-in that this will happen to everyone, or us ever again, but it was a true miracle. It allowed me to have an actual thought process in the car, as opposed to my usual sheer gangster rage. Allow me to share below.

~~ Begin thought process ~~

Amazing, right?!?!

I totally agree with NPR that the album Compton (quote below for reference):

... feels more like a grand group effort than a single man's vanity project. As always, that is Dr. Dre's trademark, even though he is -- once again -- standing at hip-hop's center stage. 

This is so applicable to my life, especially as I have gotten older. I mean as you age, you realize that the people in your life who you revere and respect help make you who you are today. It's a group effort not a singular one. My gosh, I can't EVEN with those people who not only have criticized Dre's album but EXPECTED it to sound like he did 16 years ago!! GIVE ME A BREAK. That seems so immature to me!! And that they haven't fully grasped gratitude.

I mean, like, if I was the same person that I was in the past, and wasn't grateful for everyone that helped me grow and evolve into the person that I am today then:

1. Matthew would be Eminem
2. I would be Eminem's mom
3. I would have at least three children by probably three different fathers 
4. Binge drinking would be my favorite hobby
5. Binge eating would be a close second favorite hobby
6. **Imagine the acne**

~~ End thought process ~~ 

For the record, I'm sure I had some fleeting thoughts about when I was going to get to shower or what we should have for dinner. But those were the two that stuck out for me the most. Let's not look a gift horse in the mouth.

So, see?!? Thanks to two regular guys named Lil Jon and DJ Snake, I experienced zen. Now go!!! GLEAN your zen!! Don't forget, you might find it in the most unlikely place. 

Namazte friendz.

Merry Christmas!! Love, The Parkers

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!! 

We are approaching our six month anniversary of moving to Texas and we are loving it! For the most part. The weather has certainly helped with the transition. Fortunately, we knew some dear friends upon moving down here and our realtor helped us find an amazing and friendly neighborhood. Our sanity thus far is attributed to friends, alcohol, Mexican food and FaceTime.

We're smiling because of the margarita in that cup ...

Mike is loving his job at Ocwen. He's enjoying working for a company that gets a lot of negative press. Most of all, he loved his trip to India. He's always bragged about having a strong stomach but alas, India proved to be harder, better, faster, stronger. When he's not working he's working and when he's not working he's sweating his a$$ off or offering me a shoulder to cry on. Literally. He hasn't brewed a Texas beer yet but I am sure it's on the horizon. 

Angela is enjoying summer vacation with the kids. It's true what they say - summer really IS a vacation for Mom's too!! Not. She finds that she has a good ugly cry about once a month for what appears to be no reason. Her proudest moment is finding the perfect rug for the family room and getting Abigail an American Girl Doll from Jill's Steals and Deals. Since we now live closer to the equator, she finds she doesn't yell at the kids as much. However, her consumption of margaritas has greatly increased.

Matthew finished a great year in first grade. He's so smart he's translating his books into Latin and doing geometry for fun. JUST KIDDING!! He's struggling in Math like his Mom did and is seeing a math tutor over the summer. He starts golf camp in July and we are SURE he's on his way to becoming the next Tiger Woods. Every mother's dream amiright?!?! He loves to entertain us with random bits of information, mostly about the life cycle of a frog, and talks constantly. He's been a huge help to his mommy this summer and is sometimes the only one who can get his sisters to do ANYthing. He's loving riding his bike, going to the pool, watching and acting out American Ninja Warrior and making up his Christmas list. 

We pick our battles here in TX ... 

Abigail is as feisty and sassy as ever. She is still obsessed with ninny milks and checks the status of hers each morning. When she's not yelling I LOVE NINNY MILKS in the gym she's talking loudly or dancing around wildly or going to the pool but not wanting to submerge anything but her legs in the pool. She starts a ballet camp in July and we are so excited for her to have more dance styles in her repertoire than twerking. She finished her first year of preschool and will probably not retain any information over the summer. She doesn't know her letters but she DOES know every word to Fight Song, Heartbeat Song and most Katy Perry songs. *high five*

Mae is super busy and keeping us super busy. As I type this she was just running with scissors up and down the hallway for the record they were blunt edge kids scissors. When she's not running with scissors she's climbing on everything - the table the outside edge of the steps going upstairs, the center island, etc. She loves the pool and is such a little fish. Like her Mommy, she loves to eat and when she's not eating, she's throwing her food on the floor. She's talking some but continues to sleep through the night. She's our favorite child because did I mention she's not talking yet?!? 

Running sans scissors but with scarves around their waists or as they call them Peacock Tails

Hopefully your family is doing just as well as ours is!! We miss and love you all! 

The Parkers

Mike, Angela, Matthew, Abigail and Mae

Judgement Day

Recently, while my husband was in India, I was blessed with being on the receiving end of judgement regarding everything that I am doing wrong from how I am raising my kids, to how poorly I keep my home and how I am creating a poor relationship with my husband. Aside from hurting my feelings, it was an eye opening experience that still has me reflecting. As a result of this self reflection, I can tell you one thing: 

If you are going to judge, the best kind of judgement is the kind you keep to yourself. 

Now stop right there. Don't even think that this doesn't apply to you because you never judge. We all do it. It's human nature and not a bad thing. Usually, the first sign you're judging someone is saying that you're not judging them or anyone else.  

With the judgement that was passed along to me, my perceived poor relationship with my husband is probably because I am a Straight Up Bitch. I think I've known this all along, it was just a matter of admitting it.

When my husband got back from India, he had dysentery.

Fever. Chills. ETC etc. It's like he was living the game, Oregon Trail: Third World Country Edition. He was sick all weekend. Like so sick, I've never seen him so sick, sick. So, when Monday rolled around and he was miraculously better like able to go back to work better  I channeled my inner Straight Up Bitch. To get bitchy quickly, since I have poor time management, I first got cocky because I am so good at doing everything. Second I accused him of faking his dysentery. Then third I told him to get back in the GD covered wagon because I WANT ALL OF THE DEER AND BEAR MEAT not the 10% you tried to bring.

Congratulations! You were only able to bring 10% of the deer meat home and your family died of starvation. 

Told you that I had it in me all along.

After I apologized for being a bitch, I realized that it's OK for me to enjoy being around my husband. It's OK for me to feel overwhelmed from plowing the path alone for 17 days. It's OK to be a bitch sometimes. And it's OK to not be perfect at everything. But it's also 100% necessary to apologize.

xoxox

Top Gifts for Kids

Finding the perfect gift for your child, let alone any other, is as illusive as finding a Unicorn/Centaur/Big Foot. Mostly because all children suffer from The Grass is Always Greener Syndrome, illustrated below:

Child: Can I bring my bucket and Iron Man to the pool?
Parent: Ok. 

At the pool ... Child plays with EVERY other child's toys but their beloved bucket and Iron Man. 

Leaving the pool ... bucket and Iron Man are stolen but that's FINE because your child is melting down because s/he can't take Random Child's plastic Solo cup home. 

ALL of the toys/gifts in this post are guaranteed to be a hit and played with over and over again. All toys/gifts are gender neutral and span the ages. However, to eliminate any confusion I've included recommended age ranges.

Top Ten Gifts for Kids

1.) Box of Tampons OH the puns ...

Apparently taking it back to the reproductive organ that got them here in the first place, provides hours of entertainment. You will also find that it's their go-to toy and will be emptied and NOT picked back up again and again and ...

You get the idea. 
No matter where you hide these to prevent dumping on the floor, they will be found. Promise.

Best for ages: Getting Into Shit and up

2.) Fly Swatter(s)

Ah. An oldie but goody. I highly recommend these. I also recommend buying in bulk and hiding a few for you when the kids go to bed. If you happen to buy just one, then it's not my fault when MAYHEM ensues. 

Best for ages: Not A Blob Anymore to Adult

3.) DVD's 

Do not worry. You don't have to go buy LOST: Season 1 to achieve Gift Utopia, any old DVD will do. This is just what happened to be strewn across the floor when I had the wild hair for this blog post. Not only do all babies know how to open DVD cases but they can successfully remove the disc, suck on the disc and do other unimaginable things to the disc. 

WARNING: DVD's will be left in high traffic areas, slipping may occur. 

Best for ages: All. Effing. Ages.

4.) Swiffer Duster Wand

Cleaning tools in general make excellent gifts. And it teaches kids at a young age to start pulling their own GD weight around here help clean. This toy is ideal for children who are teething and those who want to be a knight when they grow up. 

Make sure the parent clearly understands that this is not a hint or meant to offend them, because of the state of their home. This gift is NOT for them. 

Best for ages: Teething to Doesn't Want To Be A Knight Anymore

5.) Scarves 

Give a kid a scarf and their imagination will come to life right before your eyes. Perfect for the child who desperately wants to be an animal, as scarves make the perfect tail.

Please note: Scarves are NOT seasonal items. And be sure to let the parents know that supervision is required. And that will really earn you brownie points because parents reallllly like to hear stuff like that. 

Best for ages: Starting To Make Animal Sounds through Early Elementary

6.) Magazines

Whether you gift one or three or 10, they will all become completely unreadable in seconds. However, squeals of delight and the ability for the parent to actually make dinner in peace will be worth every hour spent cleaning up the remnants. 

Best for ages: Tearing Things Into Little Teeny Tiny Pieces to Preschool

7.) Toothbrushes

Kids don't give a shit what character's on a toothbrush as long as they are nearly gagging on one they are content. And for the most part during this time they aren't crying or screaming or yelling which = peace and quiet. I recommend getting a pack of more than one since this will be a toy that they will want to have again and again but due to sanitary reasons they may need to be thrown away. Immediately. 

Best for ages: Doesn't Have Teeth to All Ages Because Dental Health Is Important  

8.) Small Shit

Also known as Choking Hazards in the medical community or chokables in the Parker house. While this may seem like a counter productive gift to bring to a birthday party celebrating little Bobby's LIFE it's totally great. Here's why ... kids are notorious for finding the smallest shit, putting it in their mouths and walking around like they own the place. This gift says I'm beating you at your own game small child. Here's a bag of small shit. 

Plus side, great way to practice finger sweeping #lifeskills. Supervision is required.

Best for ages: Putting Small Shit In Mouth to Three-ish

9.) Flashlights

Any flashlight will do, doesn't need to be fancy or spendy or name brand. This is a great way to NOT be prepared for the next power outage or Armageddon because the flashlight will be left on connnnstantly. A pack of batteries would be a good accompanying gift. 

Best for ages: Enjoys Staring At The Sun and up 

10.) Digital Ear Thermometer 

Whether your child, or any child, plays doctor every day or hasn't even been to their first doctor appointment yet, this will be a coveted item. This gift is pricier so you may want to only purchase it for a child that you realllllly like. Otherwise, any of the other cheaper options will yield the same results. 

Best for ages: Knows How To Open Drawers and up

And with that, you're welcome and happy shopping!!

Misery loves company

**WARNING: Post may cause stress and anxiety. Contains graphic images.**

Before I jump right in, I need you to go get a cup of coffee, or juice, or water, or straight Kahlua or vodka, whatever ... to help ease you into a post about ...

LAUNDRY.

It's ok. You can go. Your page view still counts and that's really the only reason I have a blog so ... What. I thought this is the era where honesty is applauded???

ANYWAY. In Virginia we had an upstairs laundry room and to anyone who would listen I would be all like:

Since our laundry room is UPSTAIRS it's so hard to do laundry with the kids downstairs! I guess I could do it at night but I am sooooo tired from surviving all day that it's the last thing I want to do. It just doesn't get done.

Here in Texas our laundry room is downstairs and to anyone who listens I'm all like:

I hate laundry. It's the bane of my existence. There just aren't enough hours in the day to do it. It just doesn't get done.

So, for those who were wondering and waiting with baited breath as to whether I have been doing laundry now that it's downstairs, the answer is NO. Largely, because I've realized that laundry is completely counter productive. It's a vicious cycle and our society is so backwards that being naked isn't allowed laundry problem solved guys. Also, because the life cycle of laundry in The Parker house looks like this:

Phase One: Laundry is taken to Master Bedroom - folding and sorting takes place. Child has started destruction.

Phase Two: All sorting is destroyed, folding is unrecognizable. Child is in process of taking every folded item out of basket and off of bed.

Phase Three: Child is successful in creating a tornado of clothing. Parents get 100 extra points for being able to spot child among destruction.

Phase Four: Parents proceed to drink and cry and make an "Empress Face" while doing so.

I know. They are just children of the corn being children of the corn. I make a billion steps forward and they take me back to B.C. Hell, at least you don't have to wash loin cloths. They make #thestruggle so real it hurts.

Remember this post about Spring Break and how we just basically went to the art museum? Well, this picture has become my heartbeat song:

Maybe gold body paint while doing laundry would make it more ... better???

The only difference between this picture and reality is that I'm not golden.

So, if you have gathered that what I'm putting down is that I don't enjoy a majority of what it takes to be a stay-at-home-mom, then you are picking up EVERYTHING.

#relationshipgoals

These days my relationship goals are pretty simple: be kind and respectful, laugh a lot and grow old together. Basically so that Mike and I can be these people: 

However, a couple of years ago, I used to think that our relationship goals needed to be knowing and respecting each other's love language all day, every day for the rest of our lives. The smash hit The Five Love Languages, has become a bible of sorts among relationship experts, therapists and christian leaders, etc. This book leads us to believe that knowing how our spouses/significant others/friends receive love will allow to to have a better relationship and connection with them. Here's a quick break down of the five love languages: 

Gifts like diamonds 

Quality Time taking the day off work to pick out diamonds ... together 

Words of Affirmation You look so pretty in diamonds. 

Acts of Service I bought you diamonds because you slept poorly last night.  

Physical Touch holding hands while shopping for diamonds

So, to anyone who is in a relationship or who has even one friend you know that this is all a big heaping pile of BULL SHIT. We all need and want all of these things all the time because it's called respect and care and love and appreciation. All of these love languages together are the perfect recipe for any friendship and relationship. Not just one. I realize that perhaps we give more of these, and want some of these, at different times. But that doesn't mean that we should only give one all the time.

If you can't tell, after reading the book a few years ago, I identified myself as a Gifts person 110%. However, when I looked at my relationship, Mike was constantly doing Acts of Service for me and I was so frustrated! Because, for the millionth time, THAT'S NOT MY FUCKING LOVE LANGUAGE, honey. The only thing that was being created was a lack of gratitude and appreciation and healthy dose of resentment. Since I was so frustrated that he wasn't giving me gifts, you know, all the time, I failed to realize that his Acts of Service were Gifts.

Maybe this is just a way for me to admit in a safe place that,

Hello. My name is Angela and I am ALLLLLLL of the love languages.

Or maybe it's just truth. That the perfect relationship cocktail pun intended, ladies includes a dash, shot, pour and sprinkle of them all.

I can cheers to that! 

I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles

Lately, I've gotten back into running. The biggest reason being that my cousin and I are planning on doing a 1/2 marathon together either this Summer or Fall. The second biggest reason is so I don't take up day drinking during the week.

Either from running or from all the concrete everywhere, since moving to Texas, my feet hurt so bad! I feel like they feel like carpel tunnel feels like. Or like The Empress from Never Ending Story:

Perfect facial representation of my feet.

You would think that since I'm so charming and really good at not too many things except keeping my kids alive, that my husband would come home from work and be all:

Hey! Let me rub your feet. You did so much work carrying these babies for 9 months and today you were walking around the house trying to hide from the kids. So, you should take a load off. Hey. Take a vacation even. Alllll by yourself. In a closet with a lock for a week. 

I DIGRESS. Long story short - I really enjoy margaritas so run I must, despite feet.

I've noticed recently on my runs that music playing is a must. In the past, I've always enjoyed not running to music because I have the longest stream of consciousness running through my mind at all times. I am never lacking for anxiety or entertainment. Now, since Google Music exists, I love to have that play through my phone during my runs. It makes my stream of consciousness shut the f**k up for like 30 minutes so I can actually enjoy myself. 

But Angela what about your high maintenance ears? Well, since my ears are either so effing small or very sensitive, I cannot wear ear buds. They make my equilibrium all off, I feel like I have the flu, I feel like my ears itch, I feel like there's a bug in my ear, they feel infected instantly, they keep popping out all the time. I know. Add it to the list, right? What does this MEAN?!? It means that I play my music through my phone speaker, which then means that I sometimes have to turn down FOR WHAT my music selection. But you're a mom. I thought you like to run to classical and opera music? OMG. Stop it.

My running music goes like this in no particular order because that would be like picking a favorite child: 

Outkast 

Lil John

Pit bull

Three 6 Mafia

T.I.

Jay Z 

DMX 

Eminem 

Dre

Luda
Rihanna

So. Not really family friendly. But SO GOOD for making you run faster so you can get home and hop in your drop top and cruise with your shawty all laid back with your mindonyourmoneyandyourmoneyonyourmind ... amiright!?!?! 

IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, I shave about 30 seconds off my time with this gem of a playlist. I guess when you find what speaks to you it motivates you. So, haters remember:

You can take the baby outta the girl, but you cannot take the gangster rap outta of the GURL.

Ever? Forever, ever.