Ummm ... Would we call that, attractive???

You can read every What to Expect When You're blahblahblah book and they will tell you that there's NOTHING more beautiful and precious and desirable than being pregnant. And that everything is glorious about it eeeven if you're throwing up your life every morning. It's fine. Means the babe is healthy.

Well. Guess what's NOT attractive? Blood shot eyes + trying not to purge at work + drinking lukewarm water = I feel sooo beautiful!!

I've gone ahead and put together a list of some other "attractive" qualities in pregnancy.


Dinner Plates. - Cause we all aspire for our areolas to look like this:

Actual size during pregnancy.

Oh, and what's that? It's because the baby needs to able to see them when they're breast feeding. Awesome. Cause I'm pretty sure s/he could SEE them through a bra AND a black shirt. From a mile away. Just saying.

WARNING: Wide Load. - No matter how cute you are in the front. Turn around and take a peek at that rear ... 

Actual reaction.

A literal "OMG." But I don't think one exclamation point is enough.

Pizza. - I'm hungry ... for your face. Which looks like a 13 year old boy's or a hearty pepperoni pizza. Loves the acne. That crystal clear skin?? It's a What To Expect When You're Pregnant in Heaven lie. A pregnancy trap lie.

Sexy Can I? - Pit stains? Swamp ass? Hot. Literally. In fact during pregnancy you sweat so much that you start to think you have glandular issue.

Victoria's Secret. - Skinny bitches.

Stop sending me your magazines while I'm pregnant k? And while you're at it. Eat a mayonnaise sandwich. And for the record - my boobs are bigger than your chicken cutlet push up boobs. So. Suck it.

OK, OK that was more of a vent. A totally legit vent.

You'll start showing "sooner" with the second. - Liars!! I've looked like I was 5 months pregnant since the day I took a pregnancy test. How much "sooner" than that does it get?!?

Stoma's. - You're going to immediately be whisked into trach surgery after you deliver from all the heartburn. And nothing says to your husband that you're ready for a little romance like the voice of Stephen Hawking to seduce him.

Yes. Being pregnant is a miracle. But no, it's not pretty. Happy Easter all!!