Grey/Gray

While yes, this does describe my mood as of late; no, that's not what this post is about. It's about appropriate work out/running errands pants. Here's a little experiment to get my point across ...

1. Put on a pair of gray pants
2. Pee your pants
3. You're not going anywhere without changing your pants are you?

Case and point. So, if you want to wear your grey pants to run errands and it's not nine billiondy degrees read: no threat of swamp ass go ahead. But if you want to wear your gray pants to go work out or, better yet, work out and then run errands well, don't say I didn't warn you. 

Gray has a way of showing EVERYTHING. It's not as forgiving as black or white or dark green or navy ... which hide most everything. A very select, few, group of people can get away with "working out" in grey pants cause their definition of "working out" is just that ... exercise that deserves quotation marks around it. Cause it's more about reading US Weekly than it is about actually, working out. 

You want me to tell you when you have something in your teeth, right? Well. I'd certainly hope that if you looked like you peed your pants when you didn't you'd want me to tell you that too.

Ummm ... Would we call that, attractive???

You can read every What to Expect When You're blahblahblah book and they will tell you that there's NOTHING more beautiful and precious and desirable than being pregnant. And that everything is glorious about it eeeven if you're throwing up your life every morning. It's fine. Means the babe is healthy.

Well. Guess what's NOT attractive? Blood shot eyes + trying not to purge at work + drinking lukewarm water = I feel sooo beautiful!!

I've gone ahead and put together a list of some other "attractive" qualities in pregnancy.


Dinner Plates. - Cause we all aspire for our areolas to look like this:

Actual size during pregnancy.

Oh, and what's that? It's because the baby needs to able to see them when they're breast feeding. Awesome. Cause I'm pretty sure s/he could SEE them through a bra AND a black shirt. From a mile away. Just saying.

WARNING: Wide Load. - No matter how cute you are in the front. Turn around and take a peek at that rear ... 

Actual reaction.

A literal "OMG." But I don't think one exclamation point is enough.

Pizza. - I'm hungry ... for your face. Which looks like a 13 year old boy's or a hearty pepperoni pizza. Loves the acne. That crystal clear skin?? It's a What To Expect When You're Pregnant in Heaven lie. A pregnancy trap lie.

Sexy Can I? - Pit stains? Swamp ass? Hot. Literally. In fact during pregnancy you sweat so much that you start to think you have glandular issue.

Victoria's Secret. - Skinny bitches.

Stop sending me your magazines while I'm pregnant k? And while you're at it. Eat a mayonnaise sandwich. And for the record - my boobs are bigger than your chicken cutlet push up boobs. So. Suck it.

OK, OK that was more of a vent. A totally legit vent.

You'll start showing "sooner" with the second. - Liars!! I've looked like I was 5 months pregnant since the day I took a pregnancy test. How much "sooner" than that does it get?!?

Stoma's. - You're going to immediately be whisked into trach surgery after you deliver from all the heartburn. And nothing says to your husband that you're ready for a little romance like the voice of Stephen Hawking to seduce him.

Yes. Being pregnant is a miracle. But no, it's not pretty. Happy Easter all!!

alli is not your Ally

alli as it's spelled, kitschy, huh? is not only a horrible drug it comes complete with equally horrible commericals, logos and side effects. alli calls itself the "weight loss program for healthy weight loss." Uhhh... OK. This is true if by "healthy" you mean s***ing your pants uncontrollably. No lie. This "weight loss" drug can cause "oily spotting, loose stools and hard-to-control stools" if you exceed your fat grams for that day. I translate that to mean no birthday cake. Ever. Who would want to live in that kind of hell??? Note: I live for birthday cake along with Mrs. Bear. Icing is the greatest creation next to Purell hand sanitizer... in the history of ever. I could never take a pill of any kind that requires me to bring a change of clothes to work because I may s**t myself: laffing too hard, getting too frustrated at my computer, or walking into a meeting. One woman had this to say, "I’m thinking that infant diapers might be a cheaper way to go, just use them as a large pad.” Yuck! Diapers are expensive enuff for Bean. I'm not about to wear them too. That'd be something a total Momjeans would do. I'm a little disappointed in those who turn to diet pills to solve their weight woes. Our country relies too heavily on drugs/medicine to solve our problems when really, what would help the most are incorporating healthy lifestyle changes, such as:

• Taking the stairs
• Parking farther away from the door in parking lots
• Controlling portion sizes
• Drinking more water
• Even just going for a stroll around the neighborhood for 15 mins a day is better than not doing anything.

It's so inspiring to read in health magazines, real-people stories of how they lost 100 lbs the old fashioned way -- eating right and exercise. 90% of the time these people got into an exercise routine by barely being able to make it around a track. But they stuck with it and they started to see results and before they knew it they were down 20 lbs and able to walk 1 mile, then 2, then 3. With each mile came more weight loss. THEY have so much to be proud of, AND they don't have to worry about the worst kind of wardrobe malfunction. Ever.