Hello My Name Is...

In the spirit of Halloween it's October! I thought I would share a quirky story from my childhood. Once upon a time in the happening town of Midlothian, Virginia, there lived a five year-old girl. She was very quirky and opinionated who me?? and had a VERY vivid imagination. For Halloween that year this little girl decides she wants to be a Cabbage Patch Kid. Complete with creepy plastic mask and plastic "dress." cute. To get in the full spirit of being this Cabbage Patch Kid she decides to name herself "Shelia." Sheila, though, couldn't be going around on Halloween night without a sidekick! So, she names the pumpkin that she was going to be trick-or-treating with "Ecstasy." What? Come again. Yes. Ecstasy. And there you have the reason why I am not alarmed when Bean points to knots in the wood on the cabinets and thinks that they are "Jaaaaaaaaaaah!" as in "Jack" the dog.

A straight up Two-fer

A two-fer is a two-for-one deal. Fine, BOGO if you prefer to be hip and with it. Today is a two-fer because you, Reader, are getting TWO bloggings for the price of ONE. I've mentioned before about how I have the greatest friends in the history of the entire solar system and milky way and Continental United States of America. Well, one of my most dearest is Mrs. Bear. She is the kind of friend that doesn't come around but every one in 9,000,000 years. So you know that when you find one like her it's a real gem and you have to be sure to hold on tightly. Mrs. Bear recently had a birthday. She turned the age that starts with a 3 and ends with a 0. But you would never tell it by looking at her. She doesn't look a day over 22. Not only is she young and gorgeous, but, she can be counted on for the following:

1. enjoying a cupcake
2. coming to any social function
3. being a wonderful support system
4. loving you to pieces
5. being the best friend possible
6. encouraging you to push yourself
7. always being there to listen
8. a visit
9. making you laff (even though she thinks she's not funny... she so is... check out her blog!)
10. stepping in and being the "dad" when you need a Lamaze class partner
11. Driving 2 hours at Midnight to make it for the birth of Bean

That's a pretty great friend huh?

Hotel, Mo-tel, Holiday Innnnnnnnn...

I'm a huge fan of hotel's. Mostly because they bring back tons of nostalgia from childhood. Since I know you are craving a math problem it'd go something like this: HOTELS=vacation+late nights+eating lots of sugar (exploring new cities+HBO). Now that I am an adult the equation looks like this: HOTELS=King beds+Not having to make bed (Someone makes your bed for you+Continential Breakfast). Once Bean was able to process the fact that he was indeed in a new "house" and I was not going to leave him, even he was able to enjoy the hotel. So much so that he slept until 8:30 this morning. I don't think you heard me 8:30. 8:30. This NEVER happens. He's a 5:30 kinda guy. Be it Tuesday or Saturday. Moral of this story... We need to do more traveling.

Really? A FULL days serving of fruits AND vegetables???

So, V8 came out with this juice V8 Fuision, I don't know... a while back, I guess. Below you will see MY favorite flavor StrawberryBanana. I'm suspect on two counts:

1. It's delicious. Especially the Strawberry/Banana. But I have to ask myself - how can this BE?!? Reason being, the whole deal with this Fusion concept is that it has fruits and veggies in it. Welp, you tell me what VEGETABLE would taste good mixed with strawberries and bananas. Exactly.
2. It has a full days serving of fruits and vegetables in one 8oz glass. Ok. WTF. How? And if that's the case, how come it's not sold out on the shelves??? Oh. Duh, that's right. Probably because people don't think strawberry and banana mixed with a GARDEN SALAD would taste very good. Got it.

But, that being said. I've totally bought into it. The V8 empire has made a fan outta me with this Fusion business. I'll tell you what though. That s**t tastes a lot better than the reduced sodium regular V8 juice I usually drink. So, what I've learned from my own post is that garden salad mixed with strawberries and bananas really WOULD taste good!

Haaaaay, Muffin! How YOU Doin???

I love muffins. Especially blueberry. No, no, no. Especially the TOPs of blueberry muffins. That's where my true love for muffins lie. The bottom part of a muffin makes me a lil P-O-ed. Reason being, after you peel away the paper along with 80% of your muffin you have a mangy, hot mess of a something that looks like it was ONCE a blueberry muffin. AND! The ONLY way to get your muffin off the paper is to eat it off the paper. If you are doing this at work, without fail at this very moment, a coworker will approach your desk. My suggestion, is to quickly pull the paper out of your mouth, and right away mention how you love to work out, even if you don't, and how in kindergarten you were totally the fastest kid ever, and they won't think twice about your total fatty moment. Don't worry, they do it too. It's practically a muffin law. Right after the first muffin law, founded by our forefathers of eating the muffin top first. Bad wig optional.

Jorts are for Momjeans' and Momjeans' ONLY!!

I got another e-mail and a wink from a Hatch.com fellow. Yay! Right? No, Boo! First of all it took me forever to translate the acronyms that he spoke in he must have done the whole place-an-ad-in-the-paper-thing before. Second, well see below, I've put my comments in bold. Here's the e-mail: Hello! My name is ____, I was surfing the ads here at Hatch when I came across yours. After looking at your profile, I wanted to write to say "Hi" and introduce myself. I think we might possibly be compatible. Already, I can tell you we are not compatible. So, to start things off I thought I'd tell you a little about me. Please don't. Let's see, I'm a DWM Whaaaaaaa? who turned 40 this past April. WHAAAAAAAA??? I've already checked out at this point. I stand 5' 11" tall, with short brown hair, bright blue eyes, and I'm often told a very nice smile. :) Oh, so your smile sucks. I'm D/D WTF? free and physically I'm in good shape. Really? Your picture suggests otherwise. I have a good job, my own home, and I like to think I basically have my life together. All I'm really missing is a wonderful woman to share my life with. So, you're the clingy, stalker type. Cute. I have MANY interests and hobbies! Way too many to mention them all now. But a short list of some of the things I like would include: hiking, biking, camping, fishing, snow skiing, anything that can be done in the water - especially scuba diving, reading, computers, horseback riding, rollerskating, putt putt, bowling, traveling, movies, dancing, music - all types, but my favorite is oldies from the 50's and 60's, cooking, motorcycles, museums, and amusement parks. See, there really isn't too much I don't enjoy. Basically I like anything that puts a smile on my face! :) So, you have no backbone essentially. You'll do anything I want. Great. Lucky me. I placed my ad here at Match because I was hoping to find a nice, caring, warm hearted woman with a really great sense of humor. Ha! After this post I'm hardly "warm hearted." I'm hoping to find someone who values truth and honesty as much as I do. Life is just too short for anything else. So, now you know a little more about me. I hope I haven't scared you off or put you to sleep at your keyboard. Please write back and tell me more about you. You've scared me off, put me to sleep and I'm not going to write you back. Until then, I hope you have a great day. I'll be looking forward to hearing from you! Take care, _________:) What 40 year old man uses a smiley face? He'd be perfect if I were a Momjeans, because he's clearly a Jorts kind of guy. Jorts for those who don't know is best defined in the urban dictionary: Jean shorts. Worn mostly by children and douchebags. Jorts are perhaps the easiest way to recognize people you will not like. If you wear jorts, you probably don't talk to girls. Case and point, last bold sentence! Here's a visual for your Friday night enjoyment:

alli is not your Ally

alli as it's spelled, kitschy, huh? is not only a horrible drug it comes complete with equally horrible commericals, logos and side effects. alli calls itself the "weight loss program for healthy weight loss." Uhhh... OK. This is true if by "healthy" you mean s***ing your pants uncontrollably. No lie. This "weight loss" drug can cause "oily spotting, loose stools and hard-to-control stools" if you exceed your fat grams for that day. I translate that to mean no birthday cake. Ever. Who would want to live in that kind of hell??? Note: I live for birthday cake along with Mrs. Bear. Icing is the greatest creation next to Purell hand sanitizer... in the history of ever. I could never take a pill of any kind that requires me to bring a change of clothes to work because I may s**t myself: laffing too hard, getting too frustrated at my computer, or walking into a meeting. One woman had this to say, "I’m thinking that infant diapers might be a cheaper way to go, just use them as a large pad.” Yuck! Diapers are expensive enuff for Bean. I'm not about to wear them too. That'd be something a total Momjeans would do. I'm a little disappointed in those who turn to diet pills to solve their weight woes. Our country relies too heavily on drugs/medicine to solve our problems when really, what would help the most are incorporating healthy lifestyle changes, such as:

• Taking the stairs
• Parking farther away from the door in parking lots
• Controlling portion sizes
• Drinking more water
• Even just going for a stroll around the neighborhood for 15 mins a day is better than not doing anything.

It's so inspiring to read in health magazines, real-people stories of how they lost 100 lbs the old fashioned way -- eating right and exercise. 90% of the time these people got into an exercise routine by barely being able to make it around a track. But they stuck with it and they started to see results and before they knew it they were down 20 lbs and able to walk 1 mile, then 2, then 3. With each mile came more weight loss. THEY have so much to be proud of, AND they don't have to worry about the worst kind of wardrobe malfunction. Ever.

Welp, Virginity's taken ... New & Exciting First Times In the Life of Nonmomjeans!

There have been quite a few firsts of note around town lately. Err, first, is Bean celebrated his FIRST birthday! Go Bean! This is remarkable, mostly because he's 14 months now and I have yet to horribly mess him up in some way in my previous life, I couldn't NOT mess up important things. Mrs. Bear took this great picture of Bean soaking up the lime light. Usually, when you have a child, you get their hairs cut sometime after the lauded first birthday. I loved his curly, long hair because he looked like a baby still. But, he was starting to look manegy. And like a surfer dude. It was time. So, I took him to a great lil place called Pigtails & Crewcuts and they did a fabulous job on making him look like teeeeenagerrrr! Here he is: Whilst adorable, he looks very grown up. And, might I add, he has a sassy new 'tude to go along with that 'do. Next is that Victoria Beckham and I, now have something in common. Oh hush! No! It's not that we wear the same size clothes! It's that we now have the same haircut! This is what my hair looks like now: K? Now picture it with brown instead of platinum blonde. K? Now, also picture that without the made-up-ness and the annorexia. After that you have my new 'do! I'll try and take a picture to provide a better visual. It's so short I'm still getting used to it in the shower. It's weird not having all that hair to warsh yes that was intentional because that's how I pronounce it. I'm getting a Green Belt! No, I'm not mastering the art of Tae Kwon Do. I'll stick to running thank-you-very-much. In work environments, there are process engineering tactics that can be put into place to make sure the company and it's employees are running at top performance or at Six Sigma. Often times you can use a Six Sigma process if you encounter a problem with the way a certain process at work is going. In that case, the company would use a person with a Master Black Belt to solve the problem, which is the ultimate goal. So, I am starting out on my way to a Black Belt. If and only if I get through the Green Belt first. It involves statistics and me and math are about a cute a pair as Bill O'Reilly and Hillary Clinton. We just don't mix well. Also, I'm probably down to one reader, due to my lack of posting hi Mrs. Bear! So, I hope you enjoyed this posting!