Happy 6 months Baby Sister!

I remember as a kid during the summer, thinking about Christmas and it seemed so. far. away. Almost elusive. Now, heavens to Betsy, a year is over in the blink of an eye.

Further highlighting this contrast between childhood and adulthood, is that a mere 6 months ago I was in labor for 14 hours with Baby Sister. Where, how, when did that happen??? At just six months, she is already so smart and LOVES her Big Brother, Lovie. I can tell she's going to have a zest for life and a love of food. And I have the honor, no matter how bad the day may be, to get to look at this little, happy face and call her my own ...

And to think ... this outfit was the slimming option  :) 

Happy Half-Birthday, Little Love Girl!!

Depression? Postpartum? SAD?

I just want to feel like myself again and less like this:

There are some major things that have happened (fairly) recently, that may be contributing factors to this. I'll go in sequential order: 

1. Got married (late 2010)
2. Got pregnant (December 2010)
3. Stopped working (August 2011)
4. Had Baby (August 2011)
5. Full time Mom (late 2011/early 2012)
6. ???? 

I know. None of those things are sad things, they are happy things. However, as any newly wed knows, there are major adjustments that happen upon starting a marriage. A lot of people think that if you live together before-hand that then when you're married it's the same. But it's not. There are certain changes that take place that take adjusting to - both good and bad. So, yes it's happy but a happy marriage takes a lot of hard work. Then with pregnancy the hormones and just being pregnant overall make it more uncomfortable/borderline miserable than enjoyable. I'd even go so far to say that the only enjoyable things about pregnancy are feeling the baby move, seeing the baby on a sonogram, and having bigger boobs. Then the baby coming makes for a very sleep-deprived and over-stressed/over-worked/over-everything lifestyle. Then being a full time Mom is alienating. It's been so hard. By far the hardest, loneliest thing ever.  

Since I don't have a circle of friends where we all started out with one child the same age so then we decide to have our second around the same time too, I don't always have a network of friends that I can call on for a play date/Mommy date. I do have a lovely circle of friends and I am grateful and thankful for them, we just aren't all at the same stage in our lives. 

I realize a lot of the reason why I don't have a network of girlfriends with kids is because up until this year I was working full-time ... and the last thing I wanted to do most weekends was send Lovie off for a play date. Due in large part to me enjoying having him around, missing him and he was having non-stop play time (all day 5 days a week) at daycare. I am also well aware that now, I can't always do playdates because of Lovie's preschool schedule and the fact that Baby Sister is so young and still so needy read: breastfeeding. 

So, I'm trying to keep a very realistic, very honest rationale for the reason for my depression/sadness and realize a lot of why I am this way is situational. And the Type A in me puts a plan into place called How I Can Fix It ... so Chapter 1 in How I Can Fix It is take steps to form/foster relationships with women who have kids approximately the same age as mine, which can be achieved by: 

1. Taking Mom's up on their offer to "get the kids together one afternoon"
2. Asking Mom's on Facebook for playdates
3. Joining a MOTTS group at Lovie's preschool (MOTTS = Mom's of Tots to Teens)
4. Becoming more involved at church
5. Keeping an ear out for other social activities

When I do have more flexibility to be more of a social butterfly with my children, I want to have a network to turn to. Also, depending on what we have going on each day, Baby Sister and Lovie can have very flexible schedules. That's why if a fellow Mom asks for a playdate, unless we have a doctors appointment or SOMEthing going on I won't decline. 

Also, part of Chapter 1 includes going to talk to someone. A therapist. Regardless of what it is, it's now my job to be the best, most productive Mom and wife (whether I was working or not). And that's what I am trying to be on a daily basis. Which may mean going back to work ... I'm not too proud or guilty to admit that I may be a working Mom ... hey if means I'm happy then that directly translates into a happy home/kids/husband. I just don't know, I do know I can't solve this problem on my own so I am going to therapy. A lot of this requires time and still adjusting to new schedules, routines ... Regardless, I'll keep you all posted on my progress and how things are going.

Motherhood is a struggle that's for sure. And that's something no one really does ever prepare you for.

Perfect

I think the American Dream as far as kids is concerned is two - a boy and a girl. This is affirmed on a daily basis. If I'm out with Baby Sister while Lovie is in preschool, I get a lot of: "Oh how old is she?" or "What a cute baby" followed by: "Is this your only one?" or "Does she have any siblings?" When I mention that she has an older brother who is four and a half I ALWAYS get this response: "How perfect! A boy and a girl! Now you can stop!" Or "How perfect! One of each!" To which I always say, "Yes, we are blessed, but we still would like to have one more."

And it's true. We are blessed. Both kids are happy and healthy and cute and thriving. But a.) having a boy and a girl, at least to me, isn't perfect (I'll explain) and b.) just cause we have one of each doesn't mean that we shouldn't/don't want one more. 

To me, perfect is two boys, even three boys. That's right. No girls. Why? Well, it kinda sucks being a girl. You have a period. (I could literally stop right there.) And atrocious mood swings and other girls are vicious in middle school and going to any sort of dressy-function is a nightmare ... because let's face it - we dress for other women not for our husbands. Girls are bitchy. If you don't look/dress/comb your hair a certain way you may not have friends. Barbies are expensive (to be fair so are Thomas the Tank Engine trains). So, there's a lot of crap that goes in to being a girl. A lot of high maintenance. A lot of mood. And then one day, if you're "lucky" you get to push a watermelon out of your hoo-ha and see your body go through a real-live science experiment. Neat. 

So, you may be calling Child Protective Services right now, because I have a little girl and just a paragraph above mentioned I want all boys. I love Baby Sister and wouldn't trade her for anything. And I love her with my whole heart and soul. She is perfect. It's just, my idea of perfect is different from the "norm." We do want to have one more, and yes, I hope it's a boy.

I still stand by the statement that I have made all-along since I found out that she was a girl: 

I'm not looking forward to her starting puberty cause there is nothing "happy" about a period. 

Period.

Life 2.0

It's interesting, having a baby with a husband. It's also interesting having had a baby before having a husband. Both were incredibly happy experiences ... and equally terrifying (I don't care what anyone says childbirth is scary), and both were incredibly different for me personally.

When I had Lovie 4.5 years ago I was single and moved back to my hometown to live with my parents, until I met someone that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with ... however, long that took, even if it never did (we'd eventually have moved out on our own, my little man and I). The actual day that Lovie was born, I was surrounded by my family and closest friends. I knew then, despite how hard the road was going to be, that I was going to be OK. Living with my parents was great. At any given time (since my brothers were still living at home) there were 4 sets of hands to help hold the baby, play with the baby and provide guidance/answer any questions I may have had about child rearing. Most importantly, what I remember loving the most is that I didn't have to share him with anyone. I got to give him all the cuddles and didn't have to worry about sharing quality time or anything else involving child rearing. As I had always intended, the child doesn't go a single day without knowing that he's the most loved little boy in the world. That for me is a win.

When I met Husband through Match.com my life changed again, in a different way. A life where I just can't imagine him not in it ... true love. Shortly, after we were married I became pregnant with Baby Sister. The day I went in to be induced the East Coast experienced a random earthquake ... spending 2 hours out in the hospital parking lot for evacuation was not how I anticipated things being "sped up." After 14 hours of labor she was born! She's a huge baby ... she was born 9lbs 9oz (about the size of a three month old) which makes me happy, since I gained 50lbs with her and looked as if I was going to birth a horse. 

Her birth experience was entirely different. Throughout the evening (since labor was so long) we were again surrounded by our closest friends and family. As I was approaching delivery and for the actual delivery it was just Husband. He was amazing. Giving me just the right amount of attention, assurance and love (my feet were so itchy so he spent a majority of time scratching them for me ... that's love). Then she was born, and we both experienced such a wave of emotion and happiness (during labor they lost her heartbeat cause the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck twice ... hearing her cry was music to our ears). But then, I wanted my baby. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to cuddle her. I wanted to change her diaper and her clothes. I didn't want anyone else. Not even my husband. The times when he did, I felt as though he was hogging her. I felt jealousy towards my new baby girl.

I have never been good at sharing and it was really hard for me to share her in those first few days. Especially, going 2.5 years with Lovie and not having to share him at all. Since, then if anything, I am thrilled that I can share her with Husband. I love when he gets to hold her cause it frees me up to do the gazillion things that I don't get to do. If anything, I don't think he spends enough time with her.

When we brought her home, life was really, really hard. Adjusting was hard, for all of us, including Lovie. Dealing my own self-doubt was hard ... it's amazing how much you forget in four years and having a new baby. I felt as though I should know how to do everything, but it all seemed so foreign. Even though my Mom was just three miles away it seemed like countries and oceans because she wasn't right there with me. This was the first time for Husband so it was like the blind leading the blind. But he really rose to the challenge. He encouraged me when times were hard -  and more than anything he was just there. We tackled everything as a team. When she cried for her every 3 hour feedings, he was the one who got up changed her and then brought her in to me so I could nurse her. If she fussed he would often times go in and rock her so that I could get some sleep ... knowing that my days were going to be just as tiring as his, since I was home with her all day AND a wily four year old.

What a lot of people don't realize is that when you breastfeed, you burn calories, a whopping 1,300 a day. That's like running 12 miles. It's tiring. Imagine being the most tired you've ever been and then having to go run 12 miles on top of it. That's what breastfeeding some days feels like. Then imagine that you also have to entertain another child, keep the house in some semblance of normalcy and be an overall pleasant human being.

Going through this experience with a "teammate" was an adjustment but we came out of it more in love than before. He's definitely my best friend and some days, my only adult conversation. We will have #3 one day, because I can't imagine not having one more. And Baby Sister is so magical and cute that I can't imagine not having another baby with him. In all, we are a happy family of four, taking life one day at a time and (trying) to enjoy every minute ... some days are more of a "win" than others but I'm OK with that. That after all, is life.