Stress

So, you'll remember the post last month about being sad? Since then I've been to a therapist to talk my way through various Angela Agenda items and it's been a huge help. Two sessions ago, on my Birthday to be exact, she left me with a packet on stress and my objective before the next session was to read through it. Read through it I did and boy do we have one stressed lady on our hands. 

The first page in the packet was on Signs of Stress including bodily signs (tense muscles, headaches, frequent colds, breathing difficulties), feeling signs (uneasy, nervous, helpless, dissatisfied, frustrated, apathetic), behavioral signs (act irritable, negativistic; verbal mistakes, timid/withdrawn) and thinking signs (self doubt, racing thoughts, think you need help, difficulty concentrating). The second page is titled You and Stress and is a test of sorts to see just how stressed you are. There is a column on the left with various situations/life events and a numerical score attached to them. The exercise is to go through the column of life events/situations and see how many have happened/apply to you in the past year. Tally up the score and then see the chart below to determine how stressed you really are. Well, my score was 487. Apparently, any score over 300 states the following:

You now have a 9 in 10 chance of a serious health change in the next two years.

Hooray!!

I voiced my concern to my therapist about how that score was alarming/scary. As with most things, the first step is recognizing the stress. And the next is to recognize when stressful events are about to occur and planning/manage them accordingly. Example:

Pregnancy:
Recognize that it's going to be stressful
Realize that things that were previously able to be accomplished in a day may not be ever?
Cut yourself some slack and give yourself credit

Ha. Or don't have a baby less than a year after you get married. 

As for ways to effectively manage stress, the packet suggests healthy diet and exercise. Which seems to be the answer for pretty much anything these days. And another key factor that my therapist told me to do was to get some human interaction during the day. Of which currently I have little to none of. And to give myself a break. Those are things I can start doing NOW to solve the immediate need of A 31 year old should not have that much stress in her life and how can we reduce it.

Here's my immediate action plan:
while Lovie is at school go to the gym and take an exercise class (there is free babysitting for Baby Sister), look into working at Nordstrom a few evenings during the week and one weekend day or look into going back to work part time and start accomplishing some of my dreams.

One dream I've had for probably the past five to six years is to be a personal shopper. I've always loved shopping for others, shopping in general and love to run errands. Most hate errands and grocery shopping in particular, but it's something I've always enjoyed. Why not give it a go? What do I have to lose?

In the packet, and through talking to my therapist, it's mentioned often that once stress is recognized it can be used in a positive way. To solve a problem, to push us to do something that we may not have thought we could or to learn. While I'm stressed that I'm stressed, I'm also excited to put some of these tools to use and for what the future holds. Stay tuned!!

10K

No matter the distance, when your 60 year old Dad asks if you want to run a race with him you do it. No if's, and's or but's. My Dad is one of my greatest motivators - in life and in running. He knows at exactly the right moment to be encouraging, when to be empathetic and when to really push. We have the same pace and both love to book it when are we are about .2 to .4 miles away from the finish line. Something about seeing the finish, and picking off people as we approach that sends the adrenaline soaring. 

I don't know how many more of these opportunities I'll have so I want to jump on each one. Love you, Dad! Thanks for a great race!

At his surprise 60th Birthday Party 

One of my all time favorites and sums up perfectly how I feel about my Dad

Survivor

Two years ago yesterday my Grandmother, Nanny, survived a stroke. Actually, if we're going to get right down to it, she survived a lot of mini strokes from the afternoon the first one happened until late into the night. I will always remember that day, like 9/11, and the emotions I had surrounding that day. A day that started happy and joyful became sad and traumatic and horrible and, miraculously, ended on a high note.

If it were not for our family friend, who happens to be a doctor, who stayed at the hospital with us and made the lifesaving recommendation to her doctor about performing a very dangerous procedure on her - she wouldn't be alive today. So dangerous that a waiver had to be signed to even do it because of the mortality associated with it. A true fighter, the procedure worked and she spent no more than a few days in the hospital. And best of all - she has no lasting effects from the strokes. 

Now, two years later she has not only been able to see me get married, but my younger brother as well, and the birth of Baby Sister and many, many more celebrations to come. A true miracle.

I love you, Nanny!!

I thank God every day for her survival.

Update: Mental Health

So, things have been going. Not good, not bad, just going. 

Do I feel as though I'm settling into more of a routine? Yes. But do I enjoy that routine? Not always. I feel as though a majority of our time during the day is spent in the car. This is fine for Lovie since he's at preschool running around for three hours but since it's a 25 minute drive to and from his preschool that doesn't leave Baby Sister a lot of time for eating/napping/tummy time. Yes, there is plenty of time for tummy time in the afternoon/evening but you know. It's just not ideal. But, I guess you do the best you can with what you've got. 

Do I like being a stay at home Mom? Yes and no. I love the fact that I'm able to be with them - morning, noon and night. And they are such happy kids. They are totally thriving. But I'm not. I miss working. I miss the drive to get something done by a deadline. I miss consistent adult interaction. I miss having tangible metrics for achieving success. I'd say the latter is the hardest thing about being a stay at home Mom - you have no idea whether you're successful or not, until they grow up to be either a priest or Eminem.

Currently, I'm pursuing part-time opportunities as well as full-time ones that have the flexibility to work from home some days. I think it'll be best for everyone. And I'm really looking forward to it. Also, being a stay at home Mom has been hard financially. We've had to cut back on some things and, selfishly, I don't want to cut back on certain things.

I've found that while I love being with my children I hate HATE housework. Hate it. I'm fine with it if that's not my only goal throughout the day. But it is. And I'm going insane.  I just can't find joy in laundry or dishes or cleaning. And my admiration for those who do/have done it read: my amazing Mom grows exponentially every day.

I've learned I'd be a great housewife if I could also have the wealth of those of the Real Housewives of ... series. I'd enjoy being a stay at home Mom if my biggest worry was with whom I was going brunch that day or what color I wanted to paint my nails at my weekly mani/pedi. Yes. That I could get behind. At the very least I could totally get behind having a maid. *swoon*

And I'm finally able to talk to a therapist next week. It was the soonest appointment I could get. I know the grass isn't always greener, and that working will present itself with a new set of challenges to adapt to. I know that eventually I may be a stay at home Mom again - but it'll more likely than not be when I'm ready. I just don't think now is my time.

Regardless, I do know there is a happier patch of grass out there and I can't wait to find my happy patch!

TV = Totally Vital

There are a few television shows that I am obsessed with ... obsessed being the perfect word choice. I've outlined them in order of the day of the week on which they air, not in order of favorite ... which would be tantamount to declaring which child you love more - it's just impossible. 

Sunday - The Walking Dead, 9:00pm on AMC

All I have to say is THANK GOD this show exists. How else would we know that zombies CAN climb stairs? contrary to popular belief. How else would we know that loud sounds attract zombies and that in the impending zombie-pocolypse it's knives we should stocking up on NOT guns? You're welcome. This show is amazing if not a little too real at times. The brave souls in this show fight the fight that I think we can all agree is indeed "Worst Case Senario." As for Rick, well, those who doubted his acting abilities in Love, Actually can now put those to rest. 

Monday -  Bethenny, Ever After, 9:00pm on Bravo

So she's slightly trannie, very neurotic and super Type A. But I love her. With my whole heart and soul. I will admit, this season is not as good as last so far ...  but I'll tune in every Monday the whole season. Especially since this season will be her last. Good news!! She's going to have a daytime talk show come June annnnd I'll watch that too. I just love her. 

Wednesday - Top Chef, 10:00pm on Bravo
Like Lovie, this show is my first love. I've been a loyal Top Chef fan since right before I met Mr. Nonmomjeans so about 3 years-ish? I love everything about this show, the hosts, the chef-testants, the format ... it rocks. As someone whose allergic to everything under the sun, it allows me for an hour to pretend that I can eat half the stuff these guys make. And they are all so creative, the talent and passion is truly inspiring. The finale is always bittersweet  because yes, it's exciting to see who wins, yet sad, because you know you won't get your Wednesday indulgence for a few months. 

Summer
Sunday - True Blood on HBO
This show is like vampire and werewolf reality. I can't watch it alone and have to watch it when I know Mr. Nonmomjeans won't be traveling. It's a freaky soft-porn if we're going to call a spade a spade here. So, not all the characters are believable and sometimes it's super cheesy but overall it's got a good story line, it's action packed and everyone is ridiculously good looking ...

Case. And. Point. 

Mid 2012
Series Finale of Breaking Bad on AMC
This was pretty heartbreaking news learning that this season, Season 5, will be the last. This is probably one of the most amazing shows ever. The character development is insane, the story line is complex and thrilling and keeps you guessing, and the attention to detail within each episode is similar to that on Lost. And I really wish I paid more attention in Chemistry so that I could be a billionaire making meth.

These five are TOTALLY VITAL TO MY NON ADULT INTERACTION EXISTANCE (!!!).

I also enjoy Millionaire Matchmaker, Rachel Zoe Project, Work of Art, The Office and Up All Night. If I miss these it's fine, they are not vital. If anything they are mindless entertainment to have on while cleaning.

Depression? Postpartum? SAD?

I just want to feel like myself again and less like this:

There are some major things that have happened (fairly) recently, that may be contributing factors to this. I'll go in sequential order: 

1. Got married (late 2010)
2. Got pregnant (December 2010)
3. Stopped working (August 2011)
4. Had Baby (August 2011)
5. Full time Mom (late 2011/early 2012)
6. ???? 

I know. None of those things are sad things, they are happy things. However, as any newly wed knows, there are major adjustments that happen upon starting a marriage. A lot of people think that if you live together before-hand that then when you're married it's the same. But it's not. There are certain changes that take place that take adjusting to - both good and bad. So, yes it's happy but a happy marriage takes a lot of hard work. Then with pregnancy the hormones and just being pregnant overall make it more uncomfortable/borderline miserable than enjoyable. I'd even go so far to say that the only enjoyable things about pregnancy are feeling the baby move, seeing the baby on a sonogram, and having bigger boobs. Then the baby coming makes for a very sleep-deprived and over-stressed/over-worked/over-everything lifestyle. Then being a full time Mom is alienating. It's been so hard. By far the hardest, loneliest thing ever.  

Since I don't have a circle of friends where we all started out with one child the same age so then we decide to have our second around the same time too, I don't always have a network of friends that I can call on for a play date/Mommy date. I do have a lovely circle of friends and I am grateful and thankful for them, we just aren't all at the same stage in our lives. 

I realize a lot of the reason why I don't have a network of girlfriends with kids is because up until this year I was working full-time ... and the last thing I wanted to do most weekends was send Lovie off for a play date. Due in large part to me enjoying having him around, missing him and he was having non-stop play time (all day 5 days a week) at daycare. I am also well aware that now, I can't always do playdates because of Lovie's preschool schedule and the fact that Baby Sister is so young and still so needy read: breastfeeding. 

So, I'm trying to keep a very realistic, very honest rationale for the reason for my depression/sadness and realize a lot of why I am this way is situational. And the Type A in me puts a plan into place called How I Can Fix It ... so Chapter 1 in How I Can Fix It is take steps to form/foster relationships with women who have kids approximately the same age as mine, which can be achieved by: 

1. Taking Mom's up on their offer to "get the kids together one afternoon"
2. Asking Mom's on Facebook for playdates
3. Joining a MOTTS group at Lovie's preschool (MOTTS = Mom's of Tots to Teens)
4. Becoming more involved at church
5. Keeping an ear out for other social activities

When I do have more flexibility to be more of a social butterfly with my children, I want to have a network to turn to. Also, depending on what we have going on each day, Baby Sister and Lovie can have very flexible schedules. That's why if a fellow Mom asks for a playdate, unless we have a doctors appointment or SOMEthing going on I won't decline. 

Also, part of Chapter 1 includes going to talk to someone. A therapist. Regardless of what it is, it's now my job to be the best, most productive Mom and wife (whether I was working or not). And that's what I am trying to be on a daily basis. Which may mean going back to work ... I'm not too proud or guilty to admit that I may be a working Mom ... hey if means I'm happy then that directly translates into a happy home/kids/husband. I just don't know, I do know I can't solve this problem on my own so I am going to therapy. A lot of this requires time and still adjusting to new schedules, routines ... Regardless, I'll keep you all posted on my progress and how things are going.

Motherhood is a struggle that's for sure. And that's something no one really does ever prepare you for.

Life 2.0

It's interesting, having a baby with a husband. It's also interesting having had a baby before having a husband. Both were incredibly happy experiences ... and equally terrifying (I don't care what anyone says childbirth is scary), and both were incredibly different for me personally.

When I had Lovie 4.5 years ago I was single and moved back to my hometown to live with my parents, until I met someone that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with ... however, long that took, even if it never did (we'd eventually have moved out on our own, my little man and I). The actual day that Lovie was born, I was surrounded by my family and closest friends. I knew then, despite how hard the road was going to be, that I was going to be OK. Living with my parents was great. At any given time (since my brothers were still living at home) there were 4 sets of hands to help hold the baby, play with the baby and provide guidance/answer any questions I may have had about child rearing. Most importantly, what I remember loving the most is that I didn't have to share him with anyone. I got to give him all the cuddles and didn't have to worry about sharing quality time or anything else involving child rearing. As I had always intended, the child doesn't go a single day without knowing that he's the most loved little boy in the world. That for me is a win.

When I met Husband through Match.com my life changed again, in a different way. A life where I just can't imagine him not in it ... true love. Shortly, after we were married I became pregnant with Baby Sister. The day I went in to be induced the East Coast experienced a random earthquake ... spending 2 hours out in the hospital parking lot for evacuation was not how I anticipated things being "sped up." After 14 hours of labor she was born! She's a huge baby ... she was born 9lbs 9oz (about the size of a three month old) which makes me happy, since I gained 50lbs with her and looked as if I was going to birth a horse. 

Her birth experience was entirely different. Throughout the evening (since labor was so long) we were again surrounded by our closest friends and family. As I was approaching delivery and for the actual delivery it was just Husband. He was amazing. Giving me just the right amount of attention, assurance and love (my feet were so itchy so he spent a majority of time scratching them for me ... that's love). Then she was born, and we both experienced such a wave of emotion and happiness (during labor they lost her heartbeat cause the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck twice ... hearing her cry was music to our ears). But then, I wanted my baby. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to cuddle her. I wanted to change her diaper and her clothes. I didn't want anyone else. Not even my husband. The times when he did, I felt as though he was hogging her. I felt jealousy towards my new baby girl.

I have never been good at sharing and it was really hard for me to share her in those first few days. Especially, going 2.5 years with Lovie and not having to share him at all. Since, then if anything, I am thrilled that I can share her with Husband. I love when he gets to hold her cause it frees me up to do the gazillion things that I don't get to do. If anything, I don't think he spends enough time with her.

When we brought her home, life was really, really hard. Adjusting was hard, for all of us, including Lovie. Dealing my own self-doubt was hard ... it's amazing how much you forget in four years and having a new baby. I felt as though I should know how to do everything, but it all seemed so foreign. Even though my Mom was just three miles away it seemed like countries and oceans because she wasn't right there with me. This was the first time for Husband so it was like the blind leading the blind. But he really rose to the challenge. He encouraged me when times were hard -  and more than anything he was just there. We tackled everything as a team. When she cried for her every 3 hour feedings, he was the one who got up changed her and then brought her in to me so I could nurse her. If she fussed he would often times go in and rock her so that I could get some sleep ... knowing that my days were going to be just as tiring as his, since I was home with her all day AND a wily four year old.

What a lot of people don't realize is that when you breastfeed, you burn calories, a whopping 1,300 a day. That's like running 12 miles. It's tiring. Imagine being the most tired you've ever been and then having to go run 12 miles on top of it. That's what breastfeeding some days feels like. Then imagine that you also have to entertain another child, keep the house in some semblance of normalcy and be an overall pleasant human being.

Going through this experience with a "teammate" was an adjustment but we came out of it more in love than before. He's definitely my best friend and some days, my only adult conversation. We will have #3 one day, because I can't imagine not having one more. And Baby Sister is so magical and cute that I can't imagine not having another baby with him. In all, we are a happy family of four, taking life one day at a time and (trying) to enjoy every minute ... some days are more of a "win" than others but I'm OK with that. That after all, is life.