Survivor

Two years ago yesterday my Grandmother, Nanny, survived a stroke. Actually, if we're going to get right down to it, she survived a lot of mini strokes from the afternoon the first one happened until late into the night. I will always remember that day, like 9/11, and the emotions I had surrounding that day. A day that started happy and joyful became sad and traumatic and horrible and, miraculously, ended on a high note.

If it were not for our family friend, who happens to be a doctor, who stayed at the hospital with us and made the lifesaving recommendation to her doctor about performing a very dangerous procedure on her - she wouldn't be alive today. So dangerous that a waiver had to be signed to even do it because of the mortality associated with it. A true fighter, the procedure worked and she spent no more than a few days in the hospital. And best of all - she has no lasting effects from the strokes. 

Now, two years later she has not only been able to see me get married, but my younger brother as well, and the birth of Baby Sister and many, many more celebrations to come. A true miracle.

I love you, Nanny!!

I thank God every day for her survival.

Product Review: Greatest Eyeliner Ever

I have really small, squinty eyes; so squinty that if I wear mascara or eyeliner on my bottom lashes I look like a meth addict.  Therefore, all my life I've shy-ed away from looking like a meth addict. I've always used mascara but have been too afraid to use eyeliner.

Then I decided to go and get married and that required impeccable makeup and anything to make my eyes look bigger. The fine ladies at Lancome agreed that I should shy away from mascara on my lower lashes and eyeliner on the lower lashes but to line the tops with a waterproof eyeliner in brown. It was great, did the trick perfectly but it was a little impossible to get off great for wedding day not so great for everyday.

Then, last weekend I went to visit my dear friend and BFF Maria. She needed to go to Clinique to get some eyeliner so I joined. We both walked out of there with this:

I had to get two: Intense Ivy and Intense Midnight

Did you happen to take a look at the cost comparison between the Lancome pencil and the Clinique? For the price of ONE Lancome pencil I was able to get TWO Clinique pencils okay, okay, approximately. And it stays on all day ... and it's not waterproof ... and it's amazing. Did I mention it has a little bit of shimmer? Love shimmer.

Historically, I am not a fan of Clinique. I know they claim to be sensitive skin friendly, but my skin is even too sensitive for their level of sensitivity. I was a Prescriptives gal. But we all know what happened to them ... womp womp. But this passed the itchy, runny eyes sensitivity test. And let me tell you, an Intense Midnight pencil on your lids will wake those tired eyes right up.

I'm in love, and I will never use another eyeliner ever again.

Depression? Postpartum? SAD?

I just want to feel like myself again and less like this:

There are some major things that have happened (fairly) recently, that may be contributing factors to this. I'll go in sequential order: 

1. Got married (late 2010)
2. Got pregnant (December 2010)
3. Stopped working (August 2011)
4. Had Baby (August 2011)
5. Full time Mom (late 2011/early 2012)
6. ???? 

I know. None of those things are sad things, they are happy things. However, as any newly wed knows, there are major adjustments that happen upon starting a marriage. A lot of people think that if you live together before-hand that then when you're married it's the same. But it's not. There are certain changes that take place that take adjusting to - both good and bad. So, yes it's happy but a happy marriage takes a lot of hard work. Then with pregnancy the hormones and just being pregnant overall make it more uncomfortable/borderline miserable than enjoyable. I'd even go so far to say that the only enjoyable things about pregnancy are feeling the baby move, seeing the baby on a sonogram, and having bigger boobs. Then the baby coming makes for a very sleep-deprived and over-stressed/over-worked/over-everything lifestyle. Then being a full time Mom is alienating. It's been so hard. By far the hardest, loneliest thing ever.  

Since I don't have a circle of friends where we all started out with one child the same age so then we decide to have our second around the same time too, I don't always have a network of friends that I can call on for a play date/Mommy date. I do have a lovely circle of friends and I am grateful and thankful for them, we just aren't all at the same stage in our lives. 

I realize a lot of the reason why I don't have a network of girlfriends with kids is because up until this year I was working full-time ... and the last thing I wanted to do most weekends was send Lovie off for a play date. Due in large part to me enjoying having him around, missing him and he was having non-stop play time (all day 5 days a week) at daycare. I am also well aware that now, I can't always do playdates because of Lovie's preschool schedule and the fact that Baby Sister is so young and still so needy read: breastfeeding. 

So, I'm trying to keep a very realistic, very honest rationale for the reason for my depression/sadness and realize a lot of why I am this way is situational. And the Type A in me puts a plan into place called How I Can Fix It ... so Chapter 1 in How I Can Fix It is take steps to form/foster relationships with women who have kids approximately the same age as mine, which can be achieved by: 

1. Taking Mom's up on their offer to "get the kids together one afternoon"
2. Asking Mom's on Facebook for playdates
3. Joining a MOTTS group at Lovie's preschool (MOTTS = Mom's of Tots to Teens)
4. Becoming more involved at church
5. Keeping an ear out for other social activities

When I do have more flexibility to be more of a social butterfly with my children, I want to have a network to turn to. Also, depending on what we have going on each day, Baby Sister and Lovie can have very flexible schedules. That's why if a fellow Mom asks for a playdate, unless we have a doctors appointment or SOMEthing going on I won't decline. 

Also, part of Chapter 1 includes going to talk to someone. A therapist. Regardless of what it is, it's now my job to be the best, most productive Mom and wife (whether I was working or not). And that's what I am trying to be on a daily basis. Which may mean going back to work ... I'm not too proud or guilty to admit that I may be a working Mom ... hey if means I'm happy then that directly translates into a happy home/kids/husband. I just don't know, I do know I can't solve this problem on my own so I am going to therapy. A lot of this requires time and still adjusting to new schedules, routines ... Regardless, I'll keep you all posted on my progress and how things are going.

Motherhood is a struggle that's for sure. And that's something no one really does ever prepare you for.

Great Expectations

Have you ever gone into something with these amazing expectations that this something was going to be the something to end all somethings?? And then you get there and you're expecting the something to come to you all night, but...it never does? So, I saw Slumdog Millionaire. It was a great movie. But I wanted it to be sadder. I was expecting super, duper, never seen before in the movies sad. What ended up happening was not that sad. At least not as sad as I had expected. I really wanted to cry that night. I wanted to be in there and just sob. However, Titantic, yes the one with Kate Winslet and Leo, was sadder than Slumdog. Slumdog is better all around--since you don't go into the movie knowing the outcome. But wait! That's another good point!! Titantic was still sad, like made me sob sad, even having gone into it knowing *spoiler alert* that the ship was going to sink. The root of all this "Slumdog saddness" started with Elliot from DC 101 saying on his morning show that it made HIM cry. He's the most non-crying person ever. So, I was all ramped up to think that I was FOR SURE going to sob. I would be an effing blubbering mess. And welp, if I haven't said it enough already, I wasn't. So, I need to see it again. Because now I know that I won't cry. So I won't be expecting a movie that makes me cry.