Depression? Postpartum? SAD?

I just want to feel like myself again and less like this:

There are some major things that have happened (fairly) recently, that may be contributing factors to this. I'll go in sequential order: 

1. Got married (late 2010)
2. Got pregnant (December 2010)
3. Stopped working (August 2011)
4. Had Baby (August 2011)
5. Full time Mom (late 2011/early 2012)
6. ???? 

I know. None of those things are sad things, they are happy things. However, as any newly wed knows, there are major adjustments that happen upon starting a marriage. A lot of people think that if you live together before-hand that then when you're married it's the same. But it's not. There are certain changes that take place that take adjusting to - both good and bad. So, yes it's happy but a happy marriage takes a lot of hard work. Then with pregnancy the hormones and just being pregnant overall make it more uncomfortable/borderline miserable than enjoyable. I'd even go so far to say that the only enjoyable things about pregnancy are feeling the baby move, seeing the baby on a sonogram, and having bigger boobs. Then the baby coming makes for a very sleep-deprived and over-stressed/over-worked/over-everything lifestyle. Then being a full time Mom is alienating. It's been so hard. By far the hardest, loneliest thing ever.  

Since I don't have a circle of friends where we all started out with one child the same age so then we decide to have our second around the same time too, I don't always have a network of friends that I can call on for a play date/Mommy date. I do have a lovely circle of friends and I am grateful and thankful for them, we just aren't all at the same stage in our lives. 

I realize a lot of the reason why I don't have a network of girlfriends with kids is because up until this year I was working full-time ... and the last thing I wanted to do most weekends was send Lovie off for a play date. Due in large part to me enjoying having him around, missing him and he was having non-stop play time (all day 5 days a week) at daycare. I am also well aware that now, I can't always do playdates because of Lovie's preschool schedule and the fact that Baby Sister is so young and still so needy read: breastfeeding. 

So, I'm trying to keep a very realistic, very honest rationale for the reason for my depression/sadness and realize a lot of why I am this way is situational. And the Type A in me puts a plan into place called How I Can Fix It ... so Chapter 1 in How I Can Fix It is take steps to form/foster relationships with women who have kids approximately the same age as mine, which can be achieved by: 

1. Taking Mom's up on their offer to "get the kids together one afternoon"
2. Asking Mom's on Facebook for playdates
3. Joining a MOTTS group at Lovie's preschool (MOTTS = Mom's of Tots to Teens)
4. Becoming more involved at church
5. Keeping an ear out for other social activities

When I do have more flexibility to be more of a social butterfly with my children, I want to have a network to turn to. Also, depending on what we have going on each day, Baby Sister and Lovie can have very flexible schedules. That's why if a fellow Mom asks for a playdate, unless we have a doctors appointment or SOMEthing going on I won't decline. 

Also, part of Chapter 1 includes going to talk to someone. A therapist. Regardless of what it is, it's now my job to be the best, most productive Mom and wife (whether I was working or not). And that's what I am trying to be on a daily basis. Which may mean going back to work ... I'm not too proud or guilty to admit that I may be a working Mom ... hey if means I'm happy then that directly translates into a happy home/kids/husband. I just don't know, I do know I can't solve this problem on my own so I am going to therapy. A lot of this requires time and still adjusting to new schedules, routines ... Regardless, I'll keep you all posted on my progress and how things are going.

Motherhood is a struggle that's for sure. And that's something no one really does ever prepare you for.

Mother's Day

Never have I ever felt the need to back-peddle with appreciation as I do with my Mom.

Looking back I can fully admit that I was a pill/bitch/obnoxious ... and we have the home videos to prove it ... and she still loves me. Not only does she love ME, but she loves my husband and my Lovie and Baby Sister. That's true love right there.

When you hear everyone say "being a Mother is the hardest thing you will ever do," they are absolutely correct (note: the SATs come in a close second ... especially if you aren't a good test taker like me). No amount of advice from your own Mom, books, books on tape, videos, nurses, birth classes, etc. can prepare you for what your own experience is going to be like. And no matter how social you are and how many of you and your friends decided to have a "pregnancy pact" (bad idea if you are 14 and want a doll baby ... go to the store and buy an effing doll baby), it's very lonely at times. Adding to the loneliness are the Mom's who think that their children are angels all the time.

Point being - Motherhood is a hard job. Knowing that my Mom experienced everything and more that I have gone through so far with Lovie makes me appreciate her that much more.

To celebrate Mother's Day this year my husband and Lovie made me a delicious breakfast that consisted of an egg sandwich, then we went to Lewis Ginter Botanical Garden to look at all the beautiful flowers (and got a free plant in the process!), went to lunch at Mexico and then had my parents over for dinner. It was a great way to celebrate being a Mom. Here are some pictures from the beautiful Mother's Day we had:

Yes. I promise there is only one in there.

Aren't they cute!? My two loves.

I had never seen peonies before. I think I'm in love.

Peter Rabbit's house. Yes. THE Peter Rabbit.

I hope all the other Mommy readers had a good Mother's Day as well!!