Christmas Lights

So, I think we can all agree that Christmas lights are really swell. They are real fun to look at, the tacky-er the better, and then ruminate over how high those people's electrical bill will be. Sadly, there's a not-so-swell part of Christmas lights tho...the single color lights people. This doesn't include the white lights. We all know the kind - the people who have their bushes done in all red lights. Or the guy across the street from you who thinks it looks cool to have green candles in the windows. Never mind the people who have their house completely outlined in blue lights. These fine folks didn't get the memo that doing that makes it look like they let a 5 year old do the decorating. Not to mention the fact that it gives off more of a "We're Wicken!" vibe also known as Halloween, than a "Merry Christmas" vibe. While we're on the topic of lights at Christmas time, we can't forget luminaries. It's a good idea in theory. Most things that are good ideas in theory translate miserably into real life. This is one of those times. Sure, luminaries would be great if everyone did them. But in reality there are the people, like us and by "us" I mean my family who don't . It'd also be really great if people knew how to put the luminaries in a straight line along the street. But there are a majority of people who don't know how put things in a line much less a straight one and an even bigger majority who have completely forgotten everything that Smokey the Bear has taught them and put their luminaries in the leaves. Lastly, it'd be marvelous if the luminaries got thrown away the next day, however, there's a select few who think that crushed luminary bags look great lining the street for a full two weeks after the fact.

It's a BIRD!, It's a PLANE!, It's a....Mirage???

Lately, my imagination has been running on some serious overtime. It's working HARD for it's money. Those of you who are my friends on Facebook know this by my status, which one night read: I keep thinking I hear a lawn mower! even tho it was Midnight. Now lately, it's my phone ringing. This is funny because my phone doesn't really ring that often. So, maybe it's my subconscious wanting it to ring, so therefore, I think it is!?! Profound! Currently, we are in the process of moving Bean and me upstairs into separate bedrooms. So, there's a floor lamp in the hallway from when'st we were painting. Whenever I walk out of my room, which is at the end of the hall, into the hallway, I think said floor lamp is a person. I've scared myself now about 4 thousand times thinking it's an intruder. All this is going on while the Thomas the Tank Engine theme song is running through my head on a constant, let me repeat CONSTANT, 24 hours a day-7 days a week, basis. Perhaps, therein lies the problem???

If at first you don't succeed... Try, Try, Again

All throughout my childhood, I thought these were the devil:

I wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with them. Just the thought of them made me throw up a little bit in my mouth. But, because Moms can do whatever forms of torture they want to their children, we had them often. I can't wait to do things like this to Bean! So I didn't have to encounter nastiness, I think I either hid mines in a napkin OR graciously decided to "help clear the table" and quickly disposed of them in the trash.

Fast forward a few million years and I now find them to be very tasty. In fact, they are so tasty that I get excited when we have them for dinner. In fact, I now like them so much that I'll cook some up and have them for lunch! GASP! Cans't thou believe it!?!? Whilst this, try, try, try again, then try harder, method worked for brussels. It will never, ever, EVER work for lima beans. I don't care how much time has passed they ARE, and always WILL be the devil ewwww, nastiness!:

Another thing I'm scared of...

Is accidentally eating a staple. Totally. If you've ever had Chinese food you'll understand. Not because I think that the lovely Chinese restaurant people cook with staples. But, because those good crunchy noodle things, that make your egg drop soup taste better and more cholesteroly, have staples all over the top. So does the bag that your food comes in, so do the fortune cookies. If you're even remotely hungry you're going to rip open the bags to get to your food. Right? And there's probably a pretty good chance that one of those staples could find their way into your food. Right? What I'm afraid of is that I'll be paying so much attention to something on TV or to one of my family members that I'd miss the staple in my food and eat it. Then I'm sure I'd scratch my throat pretty good or it'd get stuck in my throat and I'd die because hello!?!?, the Heimlich isn't powerful enough to get a staple out. It'd prolly settle in nice cozy like in my throatal cavity. Then they'd have to do an emergency tracheotomy. By "they" I mean "family member;" Which would be a disaster because no one in my family is a doctor. So, they'd probably do it in the wrong spot. Then, if I somehow managed to survive I'd have a huge hole in my chin. Which would be cute, but I'd be alive at least. I guess all those years of developing a "good personality" would really have to come in handy, right? Another way you could swallow a staple accidentally is if you were at work and when you took staples out of things you sometimes put them on the floor not realizing that you put them there but yeah you kinda did realize it. And then you drop a mint. You go to pick it up and a staple gets caught in your finger nail. You throw the mint away but somehow the angle you had your hand at didn't release the staple with it. Then you reach into your bag of chips or candy and THAT's when the staple decides to fall out. Right. Into. Your. Mouf. DEAD. Gone. Right there at work. And that's why I don't like staples. The End.

Giving Thanks

I'd like to first give a big shout out to my Mom and Dad. Without them, I'd probably be homeless, and/or living the life of Eminem and his Mom in 8 Mile. For serious. They are the best parents. I totally lucked out. Next, lets give a big round of applause to Bean. He's the best baby that ever graced this planet. I can't imagine my life without him. My life didn't start until I had him. And just when I don't think he could get any cuter, another day passes and he wins my heart over even more. He's my muffin-top-head-face-pumpkin-love and I want to eat him alive. Mad props go to stuffing. More importantly the fine folks at Betty Crocker who came up with "Stove Top." Hands down the best stuffing, keep that recipe a secret guys. Like put in a vault or something. Lets give even more props to the Pilgrims and Indians who founded Thanksgiving. Without them, we'd have nothing to do on the 3rd Thursday of November. More importantly, without them we'd have no excuse for gorging ourselves on said stuffing and apple pie and pumpkin pie and turkey, etc. You guys have made us proud. Nicely done. Can I get a what, what, for Facebook. You Facebook-inventer guy have single handedly made me into an addict. Never did I think that I could ever leave Myspace, I just could never fathom a replacement. And then, you go and make Facebook available to EVERYONE. Not just college kids. And I am hooked. Way to keep the sketch factor low on that too, Facebook guy. You done good my friend, you done good. I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving and goodnight to all, and to all a goodnight!!

...I'mmmm gettin olllllder tooooo.....

Everyone always complains about getting older and how awful it is. I'm sure it's not OPTIMAL to get old and feeble, but I also don't think it's as bad as everyone makes it out to be. For one, your hearing my not be as good as it was when you were a young whipper snapper. What's so wrong with this? Now you really CAN have selective hearing and not make any excuses for it. I'd love to not be able to hear nagging or if I was tired and didn't feel like talking anymore, I could just lay back and go to sleep in the middle of a conversation. My grandmother says what ever is on her mind to anyone who so much as bumps their cart into her in line at the grocery store. I'd love to be able to tell people off and not have to worry about them beating me up in the parking lot later. There's nothing worse than being scolded by a senior citizen in the check-out line. Our older counterparts aren't able to walk that fast. This allows them to take in more beauty of nature and their surroundings. They also have a higher awareness of danger. So, they are able to determine a speeder and pick out danger from miles away. I think we could all stand to have a slower pace of life. Maybe then there wouldn't be so many high strung drivers on the road, hmmm? Now, walking around Walmart tires me out. But I can't admit that publicly because I am young. even tho i just did. If I were older, not only would it be OK for me to get tired from the store, but I could come home and take a nap. Then I could have dinner and go to bed early because it was so exhausting. I really like shows like 60 minutes. At least there'd be people to talk about it with. 60 minutes isn't exactly "water cooler" friendly conversation as a young person. Plus, shows like that teach you so much. You don't really get that feeling after watching an episode of The Hills. It seems like the older we get the more socially acceptable it is to wear comfortable clothes like sweat suits and mismatched outfits. I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to this. I love sweats. I think it'd be great to not have to THINK about what you were going to wear that day. Or if you wanted to wear sweatpants and a sweat shirt with flip flops you can. All older people tend to LOVE sweets. I do too. But I have to keep trim. So, I don't have them very often. Sounds like a pretty good gig to eat a slice of cake or pie every night after dinner. You know most things in life that bring happiness are the little things. That's one thing that doesn't change no matter your age.

The Night Before Christmas

The night before Christmas always gives me that butterflies in my tummy, anxious kind of feeling. Even now that I am 27. Now that I've admitted to the Universe that I am a huge dweeb, I'll proceed... On this election day, I have that same feeling. It's like I want to tell everyone "Good luck!" or "Go get 'em, Tiger!" Like it's some sporting event against a major rival. Ah! I could just burst. This is so exciting. And everyone's vote DOES matter. So, hopefully since the polls are now closed everyone did. In fact, I was so excited to vote all day. I had it all planned out: 6pm - Get Bean 6:15pm - Feed Bean 6:30pm - Bathe Bean 6:40pm - Leave to vote Of course it didn't go like that. It went more like: 6pm - Nana gets Bean 6:05pm - I get home from work 6:07pm - Nana gets home with Bean 6:10pm - 6:20pm - I'm eating a snack ( I was ravishing, OK!!) 6:20pm - 6:30pm - Bathe Bean 6:35pm - Leave to vote Ok not bad. But then I get to my polling location and I'm super excited and super nervous and they tell me "Your name is not in our system." Woah, bitch. Back up. I'm not waaaaa???? I present them with my I.D. and they go look me up in the "big computer," and lo and behold I'm not in there either. We finally realize that I am not in the system because I changed my address to Maryland when I was living there. Even though, when I moved back when I was gawd-knows-how-pregnant I got all my voting stuff taken care of with the DMV. So, I had to vote provisional. That just SOUNDS like "Your vote prolly won't get counted." Ugh. I am so frustrated!!!! Whores!!!! Moral of this story: All the more reason to hate DMV.

Spring Forward... Fall Back

I love it when the time falls back. Extra sleep can benefit everyone. However, it is disorienting leaving work and having it be PITCH black. Who knew that 6pm is the new black! lololol. Today, I kept thinking "WOW! It's 11??!?! It sure does feel like Noon." lolololol. As I was driving down our hill, one of our neighbors up the street was having her dog POOP in our yard and was quickly walking away WITHOUT picking it up, as I was pulling into the driveway. She walked even faster when she realized that I saw her. It aint THAT dark, sweetheart. I've always wanted to spell "sweet" "sweat." Even tho the WORD "sweet" evokes visions of candy corn and CAKE; and "sweat" evokes visions of tube socks and eating contests.

Do's and Don'ts of Halloween

Do: Dress up for Halloween. Wearing a costume is FUN! Don't: Wear a costume that people don't get. Like me. Tonight I went as a "Slutty Monk" and no one (except for the people I was meeting there) knew what I was. Do: Wear a random costume. Don't: Have that random costume be anything religious. These things apparently only go over well if you are under 2 years of age. Case and Point: Matthew and I wore the same costume. He got comments like "Oh my gosh! This is the best costume of the night!" I got comments like, "What are you? A sack of potatoes? With hooker boots?" Do: Meet new people at the party! Don't: Mention during conversation with these people that you have a kid. Apparently, it's a mood killer! Do: Play beer pong! Don't: Play beer pong sober ;o) Bottom line: What's cute on kids doesn't translate to adulthood and beer pong has lost it's luster. However, this may be because I was NEVER good at it.

Fear and Loathing in Suburban Richmond

Fears: Death, spiders, bugs bigger than a crumb, heights without anything around me (i.e. cliffs), weed eaters Loathes: Knives, razor blades, scones, box cutters, washing cars, ironing. Whether these are legitimate or not is another blog. Erstwhile, enjoy this fun story: I'm practically blind you see haha get it, without my glasses or contacts. Without some sort of optical assistance I am a worthless individual - unless you need a blind friend to just sit somewhere for a few hours. Yesterday, I am in the bathroom without optical assistance. I feel something down at my foot. It's a black mass. I immediately think it's a spider. So. I panic and with my big toe slide/violently kick, it out of the way. OUCH. *(^&?> *&?>!@!D#!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Glasses go on. Aw F an A! That wasn't a spider. It was my razor! And now the bottom of my big toe is missing its top layer of skin. Fannnntastic. Moral of that story: I need lasik. Here's another fun story: This is a picture of two of my most favorite people in the world. Jec-Jec and Jason they are brother and sister. As you can tell from the picture, these kids know how to have a good time. And as children they knew how to have a good time with knives. Yes. Very sharp knives. As a kid I was pretty much afraid of EVERYTHING. I was a total mini-momjeans. I even had the momjean glasses. No, I am not going to scan a picture of THAT. So, I was over playing at their house which was right next door to mines and getting ready to leave when they started taunting me with knives. "OOh are you afraid of this?" they'd say. "Yes! *loud scream*!" I'd reply. This little charade lasted a few more minutes until I bolted for the door. I think they chased/taunted me with knives pretty much every day for like a week long period. Until one day Jason started taunting Jec-Jec and then it wasn't so funny anymore. Moral of that story: If you want a salad with CHOPPED anything in it. You can make it yuns self!

Go On And Get You Some of These...

I usually do not fall victim to carelessly spending money on purely season specific merchandise - for instance dishes that you would use ONLY at Christmas/Halloween/Thanksgiving/Flag Day time. However this Fall, there are few items that require lots of bandwagons, followed by lots of jumping on aforementioned bandwagons: Candy Corn Pumpkins Probably the closest thing to heaven. If Baby Jesus were able to endorse products he'd be all over these. See! There they are. In all their deliciousness, coated in a layer of delicious *sigh*. These, I'll have you know, are one of the main reasons why I look forward to going to work each day lately. OMG! I can't wait for tomorrow! Fall-ish flavored Beer. How delicious are these, guys? I look forward to colder months so that it's socially acceptable to drink darker ales. New Castle always has appeal. Because it's my FAVORITE. Ever. But New Castle in October/November/December is damn near perfect. Sam Adams has a full suite of Fall brews that are just as good as the next. Especially if you drink one of each all in one night, and then you can't really remember if they were good or bad, you just remember them not being Natty Light, and you smile to yourself. And then you remember that you're not in a Frat House that seems to never have toilet paper, ANYWHERE. And you smile even bigger. Hooker Boots. Yep. These are the essence of Fall and look great with skirts that fall to the knee or below or mini skirts if you're a whore. Or dressed as a whore for Halloween ;) Not to mention they are surprisingly comfy. Try some on next time you're at DSW. I think you'll become a fan too. And ladies, you have to admit, we all have a lil, tiny, bit of whore in us somewhere that needs to get out every now and again. These are the perfect way to let her get out and mingle without running the risk of contracting something or getting yourself preggers. Pumpkins. Make great, inexpensive center pieces and just scream FALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! Not to mention they serve other purposes as well. Such as: being super good for you, cooking up the seeds and munching on them, and providing endless hours of entertainment for people who enjoy weilding knives and have a steady hand. Personally, I love how they look on people's front stoops. You can always tell how many people are in the family by how many pumpkins are on the stairs. And you can always tell the pumpkin that the lil kids picked out. 9 times outta 10 they are all banged up and mangey lookin. Classic. Corn Mazes.Who wouldda thunk that these could provide such entertainment... For adults. I think in our old age we love to solve things. I know I single handedly feel as though I can solve all the world crisis'; which has nothing to do with my being stubborn and everything to do with my being right :) Which is why corn mazes are so great when you go with kids. Since we are older and therefore wiser they have to follow us. If not for the sole purpose that fun can turn to panic in 5 seconds, when they get lost in the corn maze and have some interaction with the scarecrow. Back to the point, they have to listen to you and you are always right. Your way is always the right way when it comes to the corn maze, even if you are wrong. They'll just think you "got really lucky" and "get to try it out again"...Yay!

Politicks

With emphasis on the "-ticks." As in what "ticks" me off, about politics. First of all let me give a little background about my positioning on politics. I'm not a very political person. Meaning, it's not part of my being to be entrenched in the latest political happenings. For the most part I find them all to be liars and smarmy and rarely get anything done that they say they will. And the ones that do get things done, it's usually because of other people in their cabinet or being in the right place at the right time; earstwhile they are still lying and still being smarmy. I agree with a lot of the liberal points of view, but I lean more towards being considered a conservative if push comes to shove. That being said. What happened to having formidable Presidential candidates? Is it so much to ask that we have QUALIFIED, inherently GOOD people running for candidacy to run OUR country? Who have the interest of our COUNTRY at heart and not winning votes or gaining the support of Hollywood, and not changing their stance every other TV interview? Apparently, yes. It is. I think our forefathers would be APPALLED at not only the way our country is being run today, but the candidates we have to choose from. You know it's bad when people - smart, well educated people mind you - are SERIOUSLY considering the fact that if Jon Stewart and Tina Fey were to run for President and VP that they'd do a better job than either candidate in the running today. That's flat out sad. But the sad truth none-the-less.

WARNING! Proceed with Caution!

What's more dangerous than a working escalator, is a broken one. Have you ever encountered this? Do you feel my pain? Literally? This applies for the up and down broken escalators. When they are working properly the danger is getting your foot or shoe lace caught in the motor. When they are not working properly the danger is falling flat on your face due to the optical illusion the escalator stairs create. First of all the first few steps make you stupid. They are like quarter's of a step, this throws off your whole stepping flow. Next thing you know you are looking down at your feet the whole time, holding onto the railing and taking each step like you're a 4 year old - two feet at a time. Second, the height of each escalator stair is horribly inconvenient. It's too high. And when you look down at the next step it looks shorter than it is. Further throwing you off. Or spraining your ankle. Take your pick. The easy fix for all this is to have a mandate that escalators aren't allowed to exist. They serve a horrible purpose. Not only are they a tease for the handicapped, those in/pushing strollers, the morbidly obese and hugely pregnant people who can't see their feet; but when they break they are inconvenient to everyone! In cases such as these, it forces people to use the store's sketchy elevator that's not supposed to work that hard. Said elevator is tucked away in a corner that smells of urine and the whole time to go up one flight mind you you're wondering if you're going to make it out alive. This concludes safety 101.

Hello My Name Is...

In the spirit of Halloween it's October! I thought I would share a quirky story from my childhood. Once upon a time in the happening town of Midlothian, Virginia, there lived a five year-old girl. She was very quirky and opinionated who me?? and had a VERY vivid imagination. For Halloween that year this little girl decides she wants to be a Cabbage Patch Kid. Complete with creepy plastic mask and plastic "dress." cute. To get in the full spirit of being this Cabbage Patch Kid she decides to name herself "Shelia." Sheila, though, couldn't be going around on Halloween night without a sidekick! So, she names the pumpkin that she was going to be trick-or-treating with "Ecstasy." What? Come again. Yes. Ecstasy. And there you have the reason why I am not alarmed when Bean points to knots in the wood on the cabinets and thinks that they are "Jaaaaaaaaaaah!" as in "Jack" the dog.

A straight up Two-fer

A two-fer is a two-for-one deal. Fine, BOGO if you prefer to be hip and with it. Today is a two-fer because you, Reader, are getting TWO bloggings for the price of ONE. I've mentioned before about how I have the greatest friends in the history of the entire solar system and milky way and Continental United States of America. Well, one of my most dearest is Mrs. Bear. She is the kind of friend that doesn't come around but every one in 9,000,000 years. So you know that when you find one like her it's a real gem and you have to be sure to hold on tightly. Mrs. Bear recently had a birthday. She turned the age that starts with a 3 and ends with a 0. But you would never tell it by looking at her. She doesn't look a day over 22. Not only is she young and gorgeous, but, she can be counted on for the following:

1. enjoying a cupcake
2. coming to any social function
3. being a wonderful support system
4. loving you to pieces
5. being the best friend possible
6. encouraging you to push yourself
7. always being there to listen
8. a visit
9. making you laff (even though she thinks she's not funny... she so is... check out her blog!)
10. stepping in and being the "dad" when you need a Lamaze class partner
11. Driving 2 hours at Midnight to make it for the birth of Bean

That's a pretty great friend huh?

Hotel, Mo-tel, Holiday Innnnnnnnn...

I'm a huge fan of hotel's. Mostly because they bring back tons of nostalgia from childhood. Since I know you are craving a math problem it'd go something like this: HOTELS=vacation+late nights+eating lots of sugar (exploring new cities+HBO). Now that I am an adult the equation looks like this: HOTELS=King beds+Not having to make bed (Someone makes your bed for you+Continential Breakfast). Once Bean was able to process the fact that he was indeed in a new "house" and I was not going to leave him, even he was able to enjoy the hotel. So much so that he slept until 8:30 this morning. I don't think you heard me 8:30. 8:30. This NEVER happens. He's a 5:30 kinda guy. Be it Tuesday or Saturday. Moral of this story... We need to do more traveling.

Really? A FULL days serving of fruits AND vegetables???

So, V8 came out with this juice V8 Fuision, I don't know... a while back, I guess. Below you will see MY favorite flavor StrawberryBanana. I'm suspect on two counts:

1. It's delicious. Especially the Strawberry/Banana. But I have to ask myself - how can this BE?!? Reason being, the whole deal with this Fusion concept is that it has fruits and veggies in it. Welp, you tell me what VEGETABLE would taste good mixed with strawberries and bananas. Exactly.
2. It has a full days serving of fruits and vegetables in one 8oz glass. Ok. WTF. How? And if that's the case, how come it's not sold out on the shelves??? Oh. Duh, that's right. Probably because people don't think strawberry and banana mixed with a GARDEN SALAD would taste very good. Got it.

But, that being said. I've totally bought into it. The V8 empire has made a fan outta me with this Fusion business. I'll tell you what though. That s**t tastes a lot better than the reduced sodium regular V8 juice I usually drink. So, what I've learned from my own post is that garden salad mixed with strawberries and bananas really WOULD taste good!

Haaaaay, Muffin! How YOU Doin???

I love muffins. Especially blueberry. No, no, no. Especially the TOPs of blueberry muffins. That's where my true love for muffins lie. The bottom part of a muffin makes me a lil P-O-ed. Reason being, after you peel away the paper along with 80% of your muffin you have a mangy, hot mess of a something that looks like it was ONCE a blueberry muffin. AND! The ONLY way to get your muffin off the paper is to eat it off the paper. If you are doing this at work, without fail at this very moment, a coworker will approach your desk. My suggestion, is to quickly pull the paper out of your mouth, and right away mention how you love to work out, even if you don't, and how in kindergarten you were totally the fastest kid ever, and they won't think twice about your total fatty moment. Don't worry, they do it too. It's practically a muffin law. Right after the first muffin law, founded by our forefathers of eating the muffin top first. Bad wig optional.

Jorts are for Momjeans' and Momjeans' ONLY!!

I got another e-mail and a wink from a Hatch.com fellow. Yay! Right? No, Boo! First of all it took me forever to translate the acronyms that he spoke in he must have done the whole place-an-ad-in-the-paper-thing before. Second, well see below, I've put my comments in bold. Here's the e-mail: Hello! My name is ____, I was surfing the ads here at Hatch when I came across yours. After looking at your profile, I wanted to write to say "Hi" and introduce myself. I think we might possibly be compatible. Already, I can tell you we are not compatible. So, to start things off I thought I'd tell you a little about me. Please don't. Let's see, I'm a DWM Whaaaaaaa? who turned 40 this past April. WHAAAAAAAA??? I've already checked out at this point. I stand 5' 11" tall, with short brown hair, bright blue eyes, and I'm often told a very nice smile. :) Oh, so your smile sucks. I'm D/D WTF? free and physically I'm in good shape. Really? Your picture suggests otherwise. I have a good job, my own home, and I like to think I basically have my life together. All I'm really missing is a wonderful woman to share my life with. So, you're the clingy, stalker type. Cute. I have MANY interests and hobbies! Way too many to mention them all now. But a short list of some of the things I like would include: hiking, biking, camping, fishing, snow skiing, anything that can be done in the water - especially scuba diving, reading, computers, horseback riding, rollerskating, putt putt, bowling, traveling, movies, dancing, music - all types, but my favorite is oldies from the 50's and 60's, cooking, motorcycles, museums, and amusement parks. See, there really isn't too much I don't enjoy. Basically I like anything that puts a smile on my face! :) So, you have no backbone essentially. You'll do anything I want. Great. Lucky me. I placed my ad here at Match because I was hoping to find a nice, caring, warm hearted woman with a really great sense of humor. Ha! After this post I'm hardly "warm hearted." I'm hoping to find someone who values truth and honesty as much as I do. Life is just too short for anything else. So, now you know a little more about me. I hope I haven't scared you off or put you to sleep at your keyboard. Please write back and tell me more about you. You've scared me off, put me to sleep and I'm not going to write you back. Until then, I hope you have a great day. I'll be looking forward to hearing from you! Take care, _________:) What 40 year old man uses a smiley face? He'd be perfect if I were a Momjeans, because he's clearly a Jorts kind of guy. Jorts for those who don't know is best defined in the urban dictionary: Jean shorts. Worn mostly by children and douchebags. Jorts are perhaps the easiest way to recognize people you will not like. If you wear jorts, you probably don't talk to girls. Case and point, last bold sentence! Here's a visual for your Friday night enjoyment:

alli is not your Ally

alli as it's spelled, kitschy, huh? is not only a horrible drug it comes complete with equally horrible commericals, logos and side effects. alli calls itself the "weight loss program for healthy weight loss." Uhhh... OK. This is true if by "healthy" you mean s***ing your pants uncontrollably. No lie. This "weight loss" drug can cause "oily spotting, loose stools and hard-to-control stools" if you exceed your fat grams for that day. I translate that to mean no birthday cake. Ever. Who would want to live in that kind of hell??? Note: I live for birthday cake along with Mrs. Bear. Icing is the greatest creation next to Purell hand sanitizer... in the history of ever. I could never take a pill of any kind that requires me to bring a change of clothes to work because I may s**t myself: laffing too hard, getting too frustrated at my computer, or walking into a meeting. One woman had this to say, "I’m thinking that infant diapers might be a cheaper way to go, just use them as a large pad.” Yuck! Diapers are expensive enuff for Bean. I'm not about to wear them too. That'd be something a total Momjeans would do. I'm a little disappointed in those who turn to diet pills to solve their weight woes. Our country relies too heavily on drugs/medicine to solve our problems when really, what would help the most are incorporating healthy lifestyle changes, such as:

• Taking the stairs
• Parking farther away from the door in parking lots
• Controlling portion sizes
• Drinking more water
• Even just going for a stroll around the neighborhood for 15 mins a day is better than not doing anything.

It's so inspiring to read in health magazines, real-people stories of how they lost 100 lbs the old fashioned way -- eating right and exercise. 90% of the time these people got into an exercise routine by barely being able to make it around a track. But they stuck with it and they started to see results and before they knew it they were down 20 lbs and able to walk 1 mile, then 2, then 3. With each mile came more weight loss. THEY have so much to be proud of, AND they don't have to worry about the worst kind of wardrobe malfunction. Ever.

Welp, Virginity's taken ... New & Exciting First Times In the Life of Nonmomjeans!

There have been quite a few firsts of note around town lately. Err, first, is Bean celebrated his FIRST birthday! Go Bean! This is remarkable, mostly because he's 14 months now and I have yet to horribly mess him up in some way in my previous life, I couldn't NOT mess up important things. Mrs. Bear took this great picture of Bean soaking up the lime light. Usually, when you have a child, you get their hairs cut sometime after the lauded first birthday. I loved his curly, long hair because he looked like a baby still. But, he was starting to look manegy. And like a surfer dude. It was time. So, I took him to a great lil place called Pigtails & Crewcuts and they did a fabulous job on making him look like teeeeenagerrrr! Here he is: Whilst adorable, he looks very grown up. And, might I add, he has a sassy new 'tude to go along with that 'do. Next is that Victoria Beckham and I, now have something in common. Oh hush! No! It's not that we wear the same size clothes! It's that we now have the same haircut! This is what my hair looks like now: K? Now picture it with brown instead of platinum blonde. K? Now, also picture that without the made-up-ness and the annorexia. After that you have my new 'do! I'll try and take a picture to provide a better visual. It's so short I'm still getting used to it in the shower. It's weird not having all that hair to warsh yes that was intentional because that's how I pronounce it. I'm getting a Green Belt! No, I'm not mastering the art of Tae Kwon Do. I'll stick to running thank-you-very-much. In work environments, there are process engineering tactics that can be put into place to make sure the company and it's employees are running at top performance or at Six Sigma. Often times you can use a Six Sigma process if you encounter a problem with the way a certain process at work is going. In that case, the company would use a person with a Master Black Belt to solve the problem, which is the ultimate goal. So, I am starting out on my way to a Black Belt. If and only if I get through the Green Belt first. It involves statistics and me and math are about a cute a pair as Bill O'Reilly and Hillary Clinton. We just don't mix well. Also, I'm probably down to one reader, due to my lack of posting hi Mrs. Bear! So, I hope you enjoyed this posting!

Yearbookyourself.com

Hands down the funnest experience you'll have downloading pictures of yourself. The pictures speak for themselves. Enjoy! 1950's: 1960's: 1970's: 1980's: 1990's:

"You're Breaking Up...Can You Hear Me Now?"

No, friends, this isn't a blog about Verizon Wireless. This happens to be a phrase that was used far too many times during communication with a very BAD date I just had through a certain popular on-line dating site that rhymes with "hatch.com." That should've been the tip off right there. There's something to be said for people posting accurate pictures of themselves. Like this one, for instance, of me: This is exactly how I look on a non-rainy day. In which case, I look more like this: He on the other hand looked nothing like his picture. Oh...you mean you wear glasses!?! Oh...you're BALD!?! Oh...you're not ATHLETIC as you appeared to be in your HATCH.COM picture?!? Your picture shows you with no mention of glasses, hair and looking quite average. Note to readers: I'm fine with average. I'm average. I'm not fine with misrepresenting yourself. Liars. *sigh* Luckily, there were a few glimmers of silver lining in this date:

• It was a lunch date
• It was a lunch date at Olive Garden
• It was a lunch date at Olive Garden and we both ordered things that were brought out FAST
• It was a lunch date at Olive Garden and we both ordered things that were brought out FAST and we took no longer than an hour THANK YOU BABY JESUS
• It was a lunch date at Olive Garden THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN IN THE HISTORY OF EVER

Readers beware of men wearing these glasses: http://www.ray-ban.com/USA/

My Wish...

Those who know me best, know that I love rap music and that I'd like to be a rapper if I could. Therefore, my wish is that if I could be a rapper I'd be Ludacris. So, ummm, there really isn't much more to say than that... But, seeing as this is a blog, and you're here reading it, I'll take the liberty to elaborate. Obviously, his Mom & Dad didn't name him Ludacris. Come on. This clever fellow came up with that on his own. They just helped lay groundwork for what would come to be one of the best rap names out there. Ludacrous in the dictionary means eccentric. His real name is Christopher Bridges. I'm a sucker for puns. Now, I'm not a big fan of spelling Chris "Cris" but that's a minor speed bump that I'm willing to over look. I'd imagine since we are on the same wave length, him and I, that he gave himself a certain number of letters that could be in his rap name and adding the "h" would ruin the whole equation. My man Luda as he likes to be called broke away from the hard core gangsta rap scene early. He has an education from Georgia State University and due to his stint as a DJ he knows what the people want: infectious beats and good lyrics that you can UNDERSTAND. This makes him one of the only rappers aside from Nelly who you can karaoke to. Luda doesn't get caught up in the rap world tit-for-tat battle, pulling guns out and starting something with other rappers. He includes guns and glocks in his rhymes but that's part of the deal, you see. Comes with territory if you will. I think this is because he's too busy garnering awards and collaborating with artists like Kylie Minogue, Alicia Keys and Mary J. Blige. Another big plus for Luda is that he doesn't have an affinity for young girls and peeing on them kudos, Luda, kudos. When he's interviewed he always sounds intelligent and doesn't mumble . You may remember or not that Oprah dissed him on her show when she had the cast of Crash on for winning the Best Picture OSCAR. I love Oprah but this was rude of her: she was interviewing the cast and when she got to him, decided to ask about his rap lyrics instead of about his part in the movie. I'd imagine his feelings were quite hurt. She later issued an apology and he handled the situation with aplomb pretty good SAT word there huh? And I used it while talking about a rapper!. Luda has a penchant for dressing nicely and has evolved over the years into a more classy look. This could be due to him winning an OSCAR for Best Picture in Crash. Not to mention his 3 Grammy wins and 12 nominations. don't you feel like you KNOW him now!

Adolescence does not = Late Twenties

I'm a new 27; meaning I just turned it in March. As a 27 year-old, you expect certain things that you experienced in your wretched 13, 14, 15 stage to be over. O-V-E-R. Apparently, though I'm going through a bit of regression. Here's what I'm experiencing:

1. Acne. My face looks like I've just hit puberty. It's like a lil mine field. Especially the foreheadular area. At first I thought it was due to not washing my make-up off before I exercise. Because when I exercise I sweat a lot. No, no I don't think you heard me A LOT. I've started washing my face before I exercise now and I'm not seeing noticable results. I'm going to go ahead and blame this on what all women get the joy to blame things on: Hormones. Girls go ahead and hurry up and regulate yourselves. I don't LIKE acne. Kay?!?
2. Bad Hair. There's no freaking excuse for this. When you're in your adolescence everyone has bad hair, because your hands are still too little to manipulate a hair brush AND a blow-dryer. In your late 2o's it's expected that you've had MANY years to profect this craft and therefore bad hair days, everyday is uncalled for. I want to blame my hair dresser but I don't think it's his fault. I think it's just me doing something wrong. Horribly and frightfully wrong. Perhaps I will conduct and experiment and switch shampoo/conditioner.
3. No rear-end. I don't have a butt. I was hoping that after having Bean, I'd have a nice healthy rump to shake around. Butt, har! I don't. In fact most adolescents don't either. So, my backside is regressing also. That's not good. My Mom has a great butt. I didn't get those genes apparnetly. My best bud Jec-Jec has a great rear too. We lived next-door to each other for 19 years, you'd think some of those butt genes would've leaped over the driveway. I'm running and walking hills like you wouldn't believe to try and get a rear end. Maybe by the time I'm 30 I'll be there and won't look like a little boy in the butt department.
4. No boyfriend. As an adolescent most of us were too awkward to have boyfriends. Some of us were even still playing with Barbies and dolls in adolescence. Since there's not much sexier than playing with dolls, some of us didn't have boyfriends until college. We might have noticed boys but for the most part in early adolescence boys still had kooties. Apparently, the tides have turned and IIIIII have kooties. I don't play with dolls anymore! I really don't! I mean if you consider Bean a doll, then ya, I guess I do. But seriously. No Barbies. No dolls. No kooties!!!!

So, hopefully, this akward post-adolescent stage will come an abrupt halt soon. It's getting me all worked up and whatnot! And not in a good way.

Beijing 2008 - My overall thoughts and feelings and yes, issues

I, for one, love the Olympics. Especially the Summer ones. Favorite events include: Swimming, Diving, Rowing, Gym-nice-tics and Track & Field. Another favorite is looking at the incredible bodies these athletes possess. It's amazing to me to have THAT much muscle on one human being. Talk about pushing your body to it's LIMIT. But that's neither here nor there. What I don't like about the Olympics are: the time difference, commercials, and the commentators. OMG. They are awful. They make "pulling an achilles tendon" sound as if the superhumaniod/athlete was a.) a horrible human being, and a let down to the 9 Billion people who are there watching you not to mention the billions of people watching on TV and b.) that they are the worst athlete in their sport EVER. No hope for them what-so-ever. I don't think they like anyone whose name doesn't start with Michael and end in Phelps. Even poor lil Shawn Johnson who did amazing for a 16 year-old sixxxxteeeennnnnn!!! and placed Silver in the women's all around gymnastics final, is asked questions like "How does it feel to come in second, to not win the gold, to pretty much suck at life at 16????" Of course every athlete's goal is to get gold. Duh. But come on BOB COSTAS, a Silver medal, being the SECOND BEST athlete in their sport in the ENTIRE WORLD isn't so bad either. And for the record, BOB, nice toupee.

Myrtle Beach Vacation: The Last Day and Trip Home

Act 3, Scene 1: Friday, was our last full day in Myrtle. It was hot, but not nearly as hot as it had been. Dad and JCD went to play 9 holes of golf and Nanny & Pop wanted to sit out on the porch. GF went to the gym and Michael wanted to hang out at the pool or fiddle around on the computer. So, Mom, Bean and I decided to go back to the Tanger Outlets and do a lil shopping. What a successful shopping trip. I never have luck at outlet malls but this one was top notch. We found some great purchases. After our successful excursion we wanted to go down to the beach; and enjoy the nice day with the waves. Bean loved the ocean he would just charge towards it. This was a lot scary because we always had to keep a close eye on him.Dad was really good about helping him ride the waves. He thought that was the best thing ever. Playing with/eating the sand was also a hit. Pop came down to the beach with us, so I got this great picture of all 4 of the male generations. I got a great one of Pop and Mom too... Nanny wasn't able to come down to the beach with us, so she observed from the balcony. Here's a good picture of me and Bean, they are few and far between so I have to glean every one that I can! Lookit how dirty we were after our day at the beach! This was taken in the hallway on our way to get showered and then go out for Italian at a great pizzaria called Geno's. Yep. That's right Geno's with an "e" instead of an "i." If that's not thinking out of the proverbal "box" I don't know what is. After dinner we packed up what we could and hit the hay, for our 7:30am wake-up call Saturday morning. *sigh* Act 3, Scene 2: So, we wake up at 7:30am, pack up the rest of our things and make plans to go to Bob Evans for breakfast. Check out wasn't until 9am. So, we leave our toothbrushes out and decide to come back for bathroom brakes and teethbrushing, then check out. This was a great decision because for many i.e. our family Bob Evans = colon cleansing. Not only that, but it really brings out the red necks. We saw one girl who looked like she belonged at the nearest titty bar. And I hate the word titty and any variation of it so you know she looked bad if that's the word I use to describe her. Here's Bean lookin cool in shades in the Bob Evans parking lot.After we were all checked out and the last few things were packed we broke into our travel configurations. For the trip back the Corolla had Me, MBD and Bean; SUV had Mom, JCD and GF and Le Sabre had Dad, Pop & Nanny. Bean hit the hay relatively quickly. Here, is a picture of me and MBD in the front seat from the windsheild's perspective. We saw some great billboards while traveling through SC into NC. Like this one made to look like a wine glass.This one I don't understand. Golf doesn't strike me as a particularly vicious sport. How these "big cats" make their golf course good, or even attractive for avid golfers, is lost on me. Now, I find this next one to be hilarious. The tag line "Cozy Landing Ahead," is for a Hampton Inn at/or near, a Medical Park. Hmm. Doesn't sound so "cozy," all of a sudden, huh? You'll note in the picture below that Bean is in a different outfit from the one he started the trip in. This is because he did a huge job in his pants and it went all over his little legs and car seat and outfit. Thankfully, I packed this one in his diaper bag. So, we pulled over to the nearest non run down gas station and took care of business. We were clear sailing after that. We figured it was from all the sand and salt water he presumably swallowed. Poor lil muffin-head. This plane is worth noting because it was very low flying for a good 5 minutes or so. Soon after we saw it, a cop car appeared right behind us. Lo and behold, it was one of those "Speed monitored by aircraft" planes. I never thought they existed. But apparently they do. And no, none of us were pulled over for speeding.Once we got into Northern NC, almost VA the traffic was completely stopped. Apparently, this was due to a fatal motorcycle accident. Everyone on 95N put their cars into park and got out and milled around, eventually the cops allowed traffic to pass. Luckily, it was gorgeous out and not rainy/hot. We hit one other spot of traffic on the ride home, making it the longest 6 hour trip in history. It took a restless 8 or so hours to get home. All, in all this was a great vacation. I was so grateful to be able to go with the family this year. With this much excitement in Myrtle Beach, I can't wait to see what next year holds! Byebye for now!