Proud Parenting Moment

Earlier this morning while the kids were watching TV, this happened:

Matthew: That is such a disrespectful place. 

Abigail: They just fill it with GERMS!!! And the children get sicker and SICKER!! 

Matthew: They should just plow it down and build a mall so we can buy toys. 

Me: Guys. What are you talking about!?! 

Matthew and Abigail: CHUCK E CHEESES MOMMA!!  

Abigail: IT HURTS MY FEELINGS THERE!!!

 

What did we learn?
Propaganda works. Years and years of tireless propaganda WILL eventually work.

How can I get started implementing propaganda in my home?
We all have those places that we will never take our children. Use rhetoric that instills fear when describing those places. As you can gather, words like disrespectful and sick and children are the trigger words that really got through to Matthew and Abigail.

Do I need to start at a certain age?
Much like reading to your children, it's NEVER too soon to start.

You've basically nailed parenting, what are you going to do next?
Realllllllly start driving home the fact that life isn't about buying toys.

Zen

Typically, when we get in the car, or are riding in the car, my kids think:

Fire up that loud 

This causes me to want a (during and after, said car ride):

[Another] round of shots 

My bet is that Lil Jon, and DJ Snake for that matter, never imagined that Turn Down For What would define a white, suburban mom's whip with her shorties. But it does and it did yesterday, as I achieved zen in the car.

Angela how???!!! Share your secret with us!!!

Well. I tranced out is that even a thing? my kids with 43 minutes of Turn Down For What on repeat.

Wait. I thought you said you achieved zen??? 

Let's not put lines and barriers around zen OK? Let's appreciate it for what it is ... No talking. No crying. No nothing. Just relative silence.

So, I'm namaste-in that this will happen to everyone, or us ever again, but it was a true miracle. It allowed me to have an actual thought process in the car, as opposed to my usual sheer gangster rage. Allow me to share below.

~~ Begin thought process ~~

Amazing, right?!?!

I totally agree with NPR that the album Compton (quote below for reference):

... feels more like a grand group effort than a single man's vanity project. As always, that is Dr. Dre's trademark, even though he is -- once again -- standing at hip-hop's center stage. 

This is so applicable to my life, especially as I have gotten older. I mean as you age, you realize that the people in your life who you revere and respect help make you who you are today. It's a group effort not a singular one. My gosh, I can't EVEN with those people who not only have criticized Dre's album but EXPECTED it to sound like he did 16 years ago!! GIVE ME A BREAK. That seems so immature to me!! And that they haven't fully grasped gratitude.

I mean, like, if I was the same person that I was in the past, and wasn't grateful for everyone that helped me grow and evolve into the person that I am today then:

1. Matthew would be Eminem
2. I would be Eminem's mom
3. I would have at least three children by probably three different fathers 
4. Binge drinking would be my favorite hobby
5. Binge eating would be a close second favorite hobby
6. **Imagine the acne**

~~ End thought process ~~ 

For the record, I'm sure I had some fleeting thoughts about when I was going to get to shower or what we should have for dinner. But those were the two that stuck out for me the most. Let's not look a gift horse in the mouth.

So, see?!? Thanks to two regular guys named Lil Jon and DJ Snake, I experienced zen. Now go!!! GLEAN your zen!! Don't forget, you might find it in the most unlikely place. 

Namazte friendz.

Merry Christmas!! Love, The Parkers

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!! 

We are approaching our six month anniversary of moving to Texas and we are loving it! For the most part. The weather has certainly helped with the transition. Fortunately, we knew some dear friends upon moving down here and our realtor helped us find an amazing and friendly neighborhood. Our sanity thus far is attributed to friends, alcohol, Mexican food and FaceTime.

We're smiling because of the margarita in that cup ...

Mike is loving his job at Ocwen. He's enjoying working for a company that gets a lot of negative press. Most of all, he loved his trip to India. He's always bragged about having a strong stomach but alas, India proved to be harder, better, faster, stronger. When he's not working he's working and when he's not working he's sweating his a$$ off or offering me a shoulder to cry on. Literally. He hasn't brewed a Texas beer yet but I am sure it's on the horizon. 

Angela is enjoying summer vacation with the kids. It's true what they say - summer really IS a vacation for Mom's too!! Not. She finds that she has a good ugly cry about once a month for what appears to be no reason. Her proudest moment is finding the perfect rug for the family room and getting Abigail an American Girl Doll from Jill's Steals and Deals. Since we now live closer to the equator, she finds she doesn't yell at the kids as much. However, her consumption of margaritas has greatly increased.

Matthew finished a great year in first grade. He's so smart he's translating his books into Latin and doing geometry for fun. JUST KIDDING!! He's struggling in Math like his Mom did and is seeing a math tutor over the summer. He starts golf camp in July and we are SURE he's on his way to becoming the next Tiger Woods. Every mother's dream amiright?!?! He loves to entertain us with random bits of information, mostly about the life cycle of a frog, and talks constantly. He's been a huge help to his mommy this summer and is sometimes the only one who can get his sisters to do ANYthing. He's loving riding his bike, going to the pool, watching and acting out American Ninja Warrior and making up his Christmas list. 

We pick our battles here in TX ... 

Abigail is as feisty and sassy as ever. She is still obsessed with ninny milks and checks the status of hers each morning. When she's not yelling I LOVE NINNY MILKS in the gym she's talking loudly or dancing around wildly or going to the pool but not wanting to submerge anything but her legs in the pool. She starts a ballet camp in July and we are so excited for her to have more dance styles in her repertoire than twerking. She finished her first year of preschool and will probably not retain any information over the summer. She doesn't know her letters but she DOES know every word to Fight Song, Heartbeat Song and most Katy Perry songs. *high five*

Mae is super busy and keeping us super busy. As I type this she was just running with scissors up and down the hallway for the record they were blunt edge kids scissors. When she's not running with scissors she's climbing on everything - the table the outside edge of the steps going upstairs, the center island, etc. She loves the pool and is such a little fish. Like her Mommy, she loves to eat and when she's not eating, she's throwing her food on the floor. She's talking some but continues to sleep through the night. She's our favorite child because did I mention she's not talking yet?!? 

Running sans scissors but with scarves around their waists or as they call them Peacock Tails

Hopefully your family is doing just as well as ours is!! We miss and love you all! 

The Parkers

Mike, Angela, Matthew, Abigail and Mae

Judgement Day

Recently, while my husband was in India, I was blessed with being on the receiving end of judgement regarding everything that I am doing wrong from how I am raising my kids, to how poorly I keep my home and how I am creating a poor relationship with my husband. Aside from hurting my feelings, it was an eye opening experience that still has me reflecting. As a result of this self reflection, I can tell you one thing: 

If you are going to judge, the best kind of judgement is the kind you keep to yourself. 

Now stop right there. Don't even think that this doesn't apply to you because you never judge. We all do it. It's human nature and not a bad thing. Usually, the first sign you're judging someone is saying that you're not judging them or anyone else.  

With the judgement that was passed along to me, my perceived poor relationship with my husband is probably because I am a Straight Up Bitch. I think I've known this all along, it was just a matter of admitting it.

When my husband got back from India, he had dysentery.

Fever. Chills. ETC etc. It's like he was living the game, Oregon Trail: Third World Country Edition. He was sick all weekend. Like so sick, I've never seen him so sick, sick. So, when Monday rolled around and he was miraculously better like able to go back to work better  I channeled my inner Straight Up Bitch. To get bitchy quickly, since I have poor time management, I first got cocky because I am so good at doing everything. Second I accused him of faking his dysentery. Then third I told him to get back in the GD covered wagon because I WANT ALL OF THE DEER AND BEAR MEAT not the 10% you tried to bring.

Congratulations! You were only able to bring 10% of the deer meat home and your family died of starvation. 

Told you that I had it in me all along.

After I apologized for being a bitch, I realized that it's OK for me to enjoy being around my husband. It's OK for me to feel overwhelmed from plowing the path alone for 17 days. It's OK to be a bitch sometimes. And it's OK to not be perfect at everything. But it's also 100% necessary to apologize.

xoxox

Top Gifts for Kids

Finding the perfect gift for your child, let alone any other, is as illusive as finding a Unicorn/Centaur/Big Foot. Mostly because all children suffer from The Grass is Always Greener Syndrome, illustrated below:

Child: Can I bring my bucket and Iron Man to the pool?
Parent: Ok. 

At the pool ... Child plays with EVERY other child's toys but their beloved bucket and Iron Man. 

Leaving the pool ... bucket and Iron Man are stolen but that's FINE because your child is melting down because s/he can't take Random Child's plastic Solo cup home. 

ALL of the toys/gifts in this post are guaranteed to be a hit and played with over and over again. All toys/gifts are gender neutral and span the ages. However, to eliminate any confusion I've included recommended age ranges.

Top Ten Gifts for Kids

1.) Box of Tampons OH the puns ...

Apparently taking it back to the reproductive organ that got them here in the first place, provides hours of entertainment. You will also find that it's their go-to toy and will be emptied and NOT picked back up again and again and ...

You get the idea. 
No matter where you hide these to prevent dumping on the floor, they will be found. Promise.

Best for ages: Getting Into Shit and up

2.) Fly Swatter(s)

Ah. An oldie but goody. I highly recommend these. I also recommend buying in bulk and hiding a few for you when the kids go to bed. If you happen to buy just one, then it's not my fault when MAYHEM ensues. 

Best for ages: Not A Blob Anymore to Adult

3.) DVD's 

Do not worry. You don't have to go buy LOST: Season 1 to achieve Gift Utopia, any old DVD will do. This is just what happened to be strewn across the floor when I had the wild hair for this blog post. Not only do all babies know how to open DVD cases but they can successfully remove the disc, suck on the disc and do other unimaginable things to the disc. 

WARNING: DVD's will be left in high traffic areas, slipping may occur. 

Best for ages: All. Effing. Ages.

4.) Swiffer Duster Wand

Cleaning tools in general make excellent gifts. And it teaches kids at a young age to start pulling their own GD weight around here help clean. This toy is ideal for children who are teething and those who want to be a knight when they grow up. 

Make sure the parent clearly understands that this is not a hint or meant to offend them, because of the state of their home. This gift is NOT for them. 

Best for ages: Teething to Doesn't Want To Be A Knight Anymore

5.) Scarves 

Give a kid a scarf and their imagination will come to life right before your eyes. Perfect for the child who desperately wants to be an animal, as scarves make the perfect tail.

Please note: Scarves are NOT seasonal items. And be sure to let the parents know that supervision is required. And that will really earn you brownie points because parents reallllly like to hear stuff like that. 

Best for ages: Starting To Make Animal Sounds through Early Elementary

6.) Magazines

Whether you gift one or three or 10, they will all become completely unreadable in seconds. However, squeals of delight and the ability for the parent to actually make dinner in peace will be worth every hour spent cleaning up the remnants. 

Best for ages: Tearing Things Into Little Teeny Tiny Pieces to Preschool

7.) Toothbrushes

Kids don't give a shit what character's on a toothbrush as long as they are nearly gagging on one they are content. And for the most part during this time they aren't crying or screaming or yelling which = peace and quiet. I recommend getting a pack of more than one since this will be a toy that they will want to have again and again but due to sanitary reasons they may need to be thrown away. Immediately. 

Best for ages: Doesn't Have Teeth to All Ages Because Dental Health Is Important  

8.) Small Shit

Also known as Choking Hazards in the medical community or chokables in the Parker house. While this may seem like a counter productive gift to bring to a birthday party celebrating little Bobby's LIFE it's totally great. Here's why ... kids are notorious for finding the smallest shit, putting it in their mouths and walking around like they own the place. This gift says I'm beating you at your own game small child. Here's a bag of small shit. 

Plus side, great way to practice finger sweeping #lifeskills. Supervision is required.

Best for ages: Putting Small Shit In Mouth to Three-ish

9.) Flashlights

Any flashlight will do, doesn't need to be fancy or spendy or name brand. This is a great way to NOT be prepared for the next power outage or Armageddon because the flashlight will be left on connnnstantly. A pack of batteries would be a good accompanying gift. 

Best for ages: Enjoys Staring At The Sun and up 

10.) Digital Ear Thermometer 

Whether your child, or any child, plays doctor every day or hasn't even been to their first doctor appointment yet, this will be a coveted item. This gift is pricier so you may want to only purchase it for a child that you realllllly like. Otherwise, any of the other cheaper options will yield the same results. 

Best for ages: Knows How To Open Drawers and up

And with that, you're welcome and happy shopping!!

Misery loves company

**WARNING: Post may cause stress and anxiety. Contains graphic images.**

Before I jump right in, I need you to go get a cup of coffee, or juice, or water, or straight Kahlua or vodka, whatever ... to help ease you into a post about ...

LAUNDRY.

It's ok. You can go. Your page view still counts and that's really the only reason I have a blog so ... What. I thought this is the era where honesty is applauded???

ANYWAY. In Virginia we had an upstairs laundry room and to anyone who would listen I would be all like:

Since our laundry room is UPSTAIRS it's so hard to do laundry with the kids downstairs! I guess I could do it at night but I am sooooo tired from surviving all day that it's the last thing I want to do. It just doesn't get done.

Here in Texas our laundry room is downstairs and to anyone who listens I'm all like:

I hate laundry. It's the bane of my existence. There just aren't enough hours in the day to do it. It just doesn't get done.

So, for those who were wondering and waiting with baited breath as to whether I have been doing laundry now that it's downstairs, the answer is NO. Largely, because I've realized that laundry is completely counter productive. It's a vicious cycle and our society is so backwards that being naked isn't allowed laundry problem solved guys. Also, because the life cycle of laundry in The Parker house looks like this:

Phase One: Laundry is taken to Master Bedroom - folding and sorting takes place. Child has started destruction.

Phase Two: All sorting is destroyed, folding is unrecognizable. Child is in process of taking every folded item out of basket and off of bed.

Phase Three: Child is successful in creating a tornado of clothing. Parents get 100 extra points for being able to spot child among destruction.

Phase Four: Parents proceed to drink and cry and make an "Empress Face" while doing so.

I know. They are just children of the corn being children of the corn. I make a billion steps forward and they take me back to B.C. Hell, at least you don't have to wash loin cloths. They make #thestruggle so real it hurts.

Remember this post about Spring Break and how we just basically went to the art museum? Well, this picture has become my heartbeat song:

Maybe gold body paint while doing laundry would make it more ... better???

The only difference between this picture and reality is that I'm not golden.

So, if you have gathered that what I'm putting down is that I don't enjoy a majority of what it takes to be a stay-at-home-mom, then you are picking up EVERYTHING.

#relationshipgoals

These days my relationship goals are pretty simple: be kind and respectful, laugh a lot and grow old together. Basically so that Mike and I can be these people: 

However, a couple of years ago, I used to think that our relationship goals needed to be knowing and respecting each other's love language all day, every day for the rest of our lives. The smash hit The Five Love Languages, has become a bible of sorts among relationship experts, therapists and christian leaders, etc. This book leads us to believe that knowing how our spouses/significant others/friends receive love will allow to to have a better relationship and connection with them. Here's a quick break down of the five love languages: 

Gifts like diamonds 

Quality Time taking the day off work to pick out diamonds ... together 

Words of Affirmation You look so pretty in diamonds. 

Acts of Service I bought you diamonds because you slept poorly last night.  

Physical Touch holding hands while shopping for diamonds

So, to anyone who is in a relationship or who has even one friend you know that this is all a big heaping pile of BULL SHIT. We all need and want all of these things all the time because it's called respect and care and love and appreciation. All of these love languages together are the perfect recipe for any friendship and relationship. Not just one. I realize that perhaps we give more of these, and want some of these, at different times. But that doesn't mean that we should only give one all the time.

If you can't tell, after reading the book a few years ago, I identified myself as a Gifts person 110%. However, when I looked at my relationship, Mike was constantly doing Acts of Service for me and I was so frustrated! Because, for the millionth time, THAT'S NOT MY FUCKING LOVE LANGUAGE, honey. The only thing that was being created was a lack of gratitude and appreciation and healthy dose of resentment. Since I was so frustrated that he wasn't giving me gifts, you know, all the time, I failed to realize that his Acts of Service were Gifts.

Maybe this is just a way for me to admit in a safe place that,

Hello. My name is Angela and I am ALLLLLLL of the love languages.

Or maybe it's just truth. That the perfect relationship cocktail pun intended, ladies includes a dash, shot, pour and sprinkle of them all.

I can cheers to that! 

I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles

Lately, I've gotten back into running. The biggest reason being that my cousin and I are planning on doing a 1/2 marathon together either this Summer or Fall. The second biggest reason is so I don't take up day drinking during the week.

Either from running or from all the concrete everywhere, since moving to Texas, my feet hurt so bad! I feel like they feel like carpel tunnel feels like. Or like The Empress from Never Ending Story:

Perfect facial representation of my feet.

You would think that since I'm so charming and really good at not too many things except keeping my kids alive, that my husband would come home from work and be all:

Hey! Let me rub your feet. You did so much work carrying these babies for 9 months and today you were walking around the house trying to hide from the kids. So, you should take a load off. Hey. Take a vacation even. Alllll by yourself. In a closet with a lock for a week. 

I DIGRESS. Long story short - I really enjoy margaritas so run I must, despite feet.

I've noticed recently on my runs that music playing is a must. In the past, I've always enjoyed not running to music because I have the longest stream of consciousness running through my mind at all times. I am never lacking for anxiety or entertainment. Now, since Google Music exists, I love to have that play through my phone during my runs. It makes my stream of consciousness shut the f**k up for like 30 minutes so I can actually enjoy myself. 

But Angela what about your high maintenance ears? Well, since my ears are either so effing small or very sensitive, I cannot wear ear buds. They make my equilibrium all off, I feel like I have the flu, I feel like my ears itch, I feel like there's a bug in my ear, they feel infected instantly, they keep popping out all the time. I know. Add it to the list, right? What does this MEAN?!? It means that I play my music through my phone speaker, which then means that I sometimes have to turn down FOR WHAT my music selection. But you're a mom. I thought you like to run to classical and opera music? OMG. Stop it.

My running music goes like this in no particular order because that would be like picking a favorite child: 

Outkast 

Lil John

Pit bull

Three 6 Mafia

T.I.

Jay Z 

DMX 

Eminem 

Dre

Luda
Rihanna

So. Not really family friendly. But SO GOOD for making you run faster so you can get home and hop in your drop top and cruise with your shawty all laid back with your mindonyourmoneyandyourmoneyonyourmind ... amiright!?!?! 

IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, I shave about 30 seconds off my time with this gem of a playlist. I guess when you find what speaks to you it motivates you. So, haters remember:

You can take the baby outta the girl, but you cannot take the gangster rap outta of the GURL.

Ever? Forever, ever.

T & A

This post requires a key, please revert to this throughout the post to better understand what body part is being talked about:

Key

T Tits A Ass Ninny Milks Tits Hammies Ass Girl Pip Vagina Boy Pip Penis

Lately, The Parker Babies are pretty obsessed with body parts. Lately, Abigail is very obsessed with ...  drumroll ... Ninny Milks!!! I'm pretty sure this has EVERYTHING to do with her other obsession of Katy Perry.

Daily are the conversations about when her Ninny Milks are going to get bigger, and why can't she have big ones now, and when will she get them, and how will she get them. She sings songs about getting them, she talks about Ninny Milks the whole ride to school, home from school, during bath time ... it's like she's a teenage boy trapped in a three year old girl's body. Every morning she asks me, for confirmation: 

When I'm an adult, I'll get bigger Ninny Milks, right?

Since she wants them NOW and wants them BAD, and time is not a concept that's well grasped by children, I've told her that they will get bigger when she's an adult. And she can buy them. Because unfortunately for sweet Abby Ru, large Ninny Milks do not run in our family. 

Then there's the pip talk. Both Matthew and Abigail sing songs about doing peeps out of their boy and girl pips, with such gusto they could take it on tour. FaceTime with my parents has become them stripping down to their underwear and running up and down the hall, screaming:

Nakie hammies time!!

Even Baby Mae gets in on that action and proceeds to take her clothes off whenever she hears the FaceTime ring.

I'm not going to lie, having kids who are so comfortable and pleased with their pips and hammies, is mortifying at times. Like when they pull their pants down and expose themselves on the school bus. In first grade. That's not so cute. It requires a back to square one approach and reviewing the rules of when and where it's OK to be naked. Those lines get blurred quick, apparently. 

But as a recovering pubescent teen I do hope my children keep a certain level of comfort and adoration for their little bodies. I know that one day they may have body image issues. I think it's one of those things that's a fact of life. But, like most facts of life, a lot lies in how we react/respond. Thinking about potential body image issues as a parent is sad, because their little bodies are SO perfect, it's impossible to think that one day they could dislike parts of it.

This causes self reflection on what I can do now to try to encourage positive body image. So, I made up a little diddly that Abigail and I sing a lot:

We have beautiful bod-ies/We have beautiful bod-ies/We have beautiful bod-ieeeeeeeeesssssss/Repeat/Repeat/Repeat etc.

This came about because kids are curious. Mine wanted to know why my tummy looks like that? You can't begrudge them, you just offer a very neutral, Switzerland response like:  

Because you're a miracle 

And they are back to wanting to get cuddly on your bed and knock off all the folded laundry. But!! Our bodies are beautiful!! I've birthed and breastfed three kids OF COURSE it's LESS head, shoulders, knees and toes; and MORE head, shoulders, boobs and stomach down to your toes. It's a GD miracle that gravity is SUCH a b. They are miracles.

Healthy bodies come in all shapes, sizes, colors, forms, etc. I always try to make sure I exercise with my kids or that they see me exercise because above whether their boobs are down to their toes or not, I want them to be healthy. If they are that, then that to me is a victory.

Misadventures with a curling iron

Now that I'm 34, I thought I should try my hand again at using a curling iron. I had a brief stint with one back in high school but instead of curls, I basically just burnt my scalp a whole bunch. Since then, I either use a flat iron or hot curlers because the higher the hair ...

Bed, Bath & Beyond was all like ...

We promise you will have hair JUST like this if you get this one 

And I was all like ...

Sure! I'm a total target audience and I want hair like the prostitute's hers

***WARNING GRAPHIC IMAGE - NO MAKEUP*** 

Well. Ahem. After nearly ONE GD HOUR with that fucking curling iron ... 

It's straighter than it is when I use a flat iron.  

OH and a few minutes later, any and all semblance of curl ... GONE ... 

I mean. If we think hard about this can we really expect much more?!? I burn food in a crockpot. I'm hearing LOUD AND CLEAR that a curling iron is just not in the cards for me. Add it to the growing list.

As my boy TuPac says 

That's just the way it is ... Something's will never change. 

Amen, homes. Amen.

Killer Bees and Spring Break

Back story: My oldest, Matthew, is TERRIFIED of bees. Paralyzingly, horrifically terrified. To abate his fear, my husband told him that in Texas, he doesn't have to worry about bees. Texas only has killer bees. Thanks, honey!!

Since The Parker's kicked off Spring Break with an exciting trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond, I was hell bent on making the rest of the week a touch more adventurous. Allow us to reflect ...

Day Two 

It was another drizzly day outside, so we needed something indoors. The Parker babies were eager and excited for a second go at the Dallas Museum of Art. I'm proud to report that they all passed with flying colors in a Do NOT Touch situation, no alarms were set off, no items went missing. 

After giggling over the prevalence of naked hineys ... and asking in non indoor voices: 

Why did people like to show their boy pips?!? 

We topped off the trip with a trolley ride through downtown Dallas. It was a great way to see the city and it was the first real, electric trolley ride for all of us! 

Highlight reel: 

Story. Of. My. Life. 

Mummy!!

Oh look. Something for me to climb on.

Trolley ride with boo bear.

The Parker Babies in all their glory.

Day Three

The weather for the week was warm but drizzly or raining, except for this day. We had heard only good things about the Dallas Zoo, so this how that went: 

Me: Hey guys! Today, how about we go to the zoo!!??!!

Abigail: *sobbing* I don't wanna go to the zoo!!! Momma!!! I wanna go to the Art museum!!!

Matthew: *sobbing* I don't wanna go outside!! I don't want to go to the zoo!! 

Me: GUYS. CALM THE FUCK DOWN. 

Abigail: I wanna go to the art museum.

Matthew: I don't want to go to the zoo because of all the killer bees.

So, I bribed them with The art museum is closed and There aren't killer bees at the park down the street. And off we went to the park down the street because clearly everyone needed some Vitamin D. 

Pics so it's real:

Game: Find The Parker Babies

Day Four

Rain was in the forecast off and on all day. Since killer bees were imminent and art museum was still a spirited request - we went back downtown to Reunion Tower. I highly recommend it. If you have time, and no small children, have a meal at the top of the tower in Wolfgang Puck's Five Sixty. At the base of the tower is a Hyatt Regency hotel, and a slew of other restaurants. 

Dallas has a lot of random green space in the downtown areas. Outside of Reunion Tower is a beautiful plot of green grass. So, we let off some energy before getting back in the car to head home.

We all loved this outing, it was cool to get a birds eye, 360* view of Dallas, and the kids had a blast.  

Reunited and it feeeeeeelssss sooooo goooooooo-oood:

Mae pretending like she's never seen grass before.

Day Five

I can't remember a thing that we did this day. I think we stayed home, maybe went to Target and probably ate our feelings had Sweet Frog again.

All in all, killer bees didn't kill our spirit during a rainy, cloudy Spring Break. 

Spring Break - Day One

Apparently, we need more excitement. It's Spring Break down here. Because of course it is. Why wouldn't it be?!? It's not even spring; and we certainly aren't ready for a break. 

Day One

Since it was a rainy day, I thought the perfect indoor, free activity would be the Dallas Museum of Art. The kids were so excited. We were loaded up and ready to go, I plugged the address into Waze and notice the word Closed somewhere. Digging deeper at a stop light on the way ... of course. It's closed on Mondays. I don't blame them. If I were a store or establishment, I would be closed on Mondays too. Turning our frowns upside down, we went to Bed, Bath & Beyond instead. Which they were equally excited about aaahhhh childhood manipulation/innocence. 

We followed that up with a trip to Sweet Frog so that the kids can learn at a young age the following equation:

 rain = eating your feelings

You would think, three kids in, that I would have learned the valuable lesson Look Up Hours of Operation Before Loading Up. But, I guess it's true, you can't teach an old dog new tricks. 

So, guess what we're doing today ... 

 

I Get Kicked Out of Temporary Housing So You Don't Have To ...

You guys. Remember this post. Well, like most things in my life, it's come back to bite me in the ass. Butt!! I mean, I had really good reason for that post because RIGHT NOW as I am typing, there's a tap dance rendition of 50 Shades of Grey - Whore Edition going on. The key is ... am I complaining about it? Have we taken the time out of our day to call and complain about the obvious noise, that wakes me up at 5 am every day and I can still hear as I am falling asleep at 11:30 pm every night? No.

We had a knock on our door this morning by the property person (not a manager) that we were again being loud and, since we obviously ignored the first request of stop being too loud, are now being served a piece of paper that said if we didn't comply we have 24 hours to vacate.

Problems with property person and their notice, in three parts:
One, we never received the first notice. We told this to douchebag property person and got the response, that's not our problem. Well, acccccctually. It is. Becauuuuuuuse, you're telling us that we are ignoring a request we didn't know about; and then you're telling us that the next action is vacate. Two, the person told us that we were being especially loud during the early morning and late evening hours. I totally understand that this is annoying, if we were doing that. Mike, Matthew, and I are up at 6:30 am, the girls sleep soundly until we leave for taking Matthew to school at 7:15 am. We don't get back til 9 am. In the evening, the kids are sound asleep by 7:30 pm/8:00 pm at the latest. Obvious solution? Mike and I are very tempted to get some tap shoes. Three, he wouldn't tell us who filed the complaint or where their unit was located. This is important for a few reasons - if the person across the hall or even beneath us is hearing noise at early morning and late evening hours they could easily be hearing Heard O' Ho's. Another reason, it's basically stating that due to hearsay, we could be evicted.

Property person was suuuuuper helpful with a solution: call the company. The company is the company my husband's company uses to get relocated executives these sorts of properties. I took his super helpful advice and the company reassured us that the property person douchebag cannot kick us out in 24 hours notice and certainly can't do so without concrete proof. 

Is a family of five loud? Yes. Are toddlers loud? Yes. They have every right to play with their dolls and Matchbox cars. I cannot tell my 14 month old to walk softly. Like ... she won't listen. I am connnnnnstantly telling her not to touch her shit when I'm changing her poopy diaper. I promise you, she won't get walk softly. Are we loud from 8 pm to 9:15 pm and right now where it sounds like Herd o' Ho's playing soccer?!? Since 8 pm our apartment has been shaking. Seriously we are so getting tap shoes..

The sucky part of apartment living is that it sucks. Guys, Friday. Friday cannot come soon enough. 

Potty Training the Untold Truth

Ask anyone about potty training and you hear: 

You just gotta be consistent. Hang in there.

It's so much easier!

It's so much cheaper to be out of diapers/pull ups!

We skipped pull ups went straight to undies and never looked back!

So. They are all smoking crack. First of all. Second of all the only phrase that is accurate when you are physically potty training is the person who says hang in there. That person knows.

Is it cheaper? Maybe. Depends on what you're putting value on - sanity? Or cost of diapers? Pull ups are amazing. I'm a big advocate of sleep at night. I'm proud to say that we will do those at night til she's in college if we need to. It's a lot better than changing sheets because as if we need more laundry. For the LOVE!!!

This is my summary of potty training in three parts:

It's exhausting

It's like running a marathon ... To every bathroom all.day.long - but without the water stops and free t-shirt. 

Muscles hurt you didn't know you had

Let me tell you. I'm sore!! And I consider myself to be a fairly fit person. But this potty training has shown me that I don't do nearly enough squats. 

#chunkylittlethighsindeed

The most disgusting experience ever

I feel the need to bathe in Lysol at the end of the day. Because no child ever has to go to the bathroom before you leave the house. But the minute you are in the car, store or restaurant their little bladders magically fill up and you become very familiar with the insides of bathroom stalls. I could already provide a Zagat review of Frisco, TX bathrooms. What's cleaner? Changing a diaper in the trunk of a car? Or seeing the bottom of every pee splattered bathroom stall? Ok. So that's a bad example 😉

On a more positive note:

I'm lucky to have had an amazing pediatrician back in VA who encouraged me to not push it; that this is the one thing that is 100% up to Abigail. So, while it appears she's behind the curve in this department, she wasn't ready when I had tried to introduce it to her before. And he reassured me that this is totally normal. Now? Yes, she's almost 3 1/2 but she's let me know that she's ready because she's rocking it out. No accident yet and she's in undies all day. 

It's a long, tiring road but that's pretty much the mantra for having kids in general 😍

How's Texas?!?

Texas the state is great so far. My Seasonal Affective(ness?) Disorder is gone, girl. There's so much sunshine I have built up a reserve for the cloudy days. Everyone is very friendly and lots of COWS!! LONGHORNS!! HORSIES!! Like. Everywhere. 

Temporary housing in Texas is ... Well, high level - it's fine. If I gave you a virtual tour you'd say: That's not so bad!! 

Closer look there's a lot of emphasis on the not so bad. 

The set up and layout is like a beach condo. Open, airy, you can almost feel the ocean breeze on your face when you close your eyes. Wait. What the ... Oh it was just baby drool. Exactly. It's exactly like that. Here are a couple like that  examples - 

Hardwood floors: Totally great. Easy clean up. No allergies.

Hardwood floors REALITY: What's that sound coming from the floor above us? Who is walking back and forth (and back and forth and back and ...) in high heels and dress shoes? Who walks around that much!?!? Especially between the hours of 6am to 10am and again from 5pm to midnight?!? A) Cool, Rocketts!! B) No less than 15 whores or C) Fifty Shades of Grey: The Musical. 

Disposal: Yay! No food laying around in the sink! 

Disposal REALITY: The disposal sounds like the world is ending. Pictures fall off the walls. Glasses shatter. It's basically like Celine Dion singing under these cabinets for an hour. Basically. 

Dishwasher: Thank goodness. My hands are already so dry from washing them after someone shits themselves. Hand washing is not an option. 

Dishwasher REALITY: It cleans with such gusto that it breaks the sound barrier when it switches cycles. Seriously, it wakes the baby up. I can't even hear myself think when it's running like right now ... Purple! No wait, Chinese food!! Aw hell, giraffes! Wait. What?!?

So. All in all ... It's like a Celine Dion under the cabinet live concert here. Or like, an onion. The more layers you pull back the more you start to cry and then ugly cry/gag.

That time where the kids were thriving but I was not ...

Today, I achieved the impossible. I managed to get stranded inside Target.

You're thinking right now: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my dream. I'm jealous!

Not in broad daylight with three kids - one of which is cutting six teeth - you're not. 

How does this happen? Well. It happens when you let said teething child, nom nom nom on your keys because otherwise the world is ending. It happens somewhere between the parking lot where you are trying desperately to not have your children become pancakes and aisle number I DON'T KNOW WHERE ANYTHING IS and OMG the screaming, teething baby. It happens after you have paid for groceries (including milk products and freezer items) are walking with your children to the car reach for your keys and they aren't there. It happens when you empty the contents of your diaper bag in the parking lot only to realize OH. F@#%$!!! Trust me. The impossible CAN happen. 

So, I picked up the contents of my diaper bag, trucked everyone back inside Target with our full cart and retraced my steps like 5.5 million times. Somewhere around time 3 million I did have the wherewithal to call my husband who has the only other keys to the car. We retraced my steps together and still no keys. Checked with Guest Services to no keys. After crying UNCLE we gave up and left my number with the lady at Guest Services. All we can do is hope that someone turns them in, or finds them or whatever. 

I did learn that sometimes when you are praying and asking God for a sign and saying please, please lead me to the keys because even YOU God can hear how loud this baby is crying. Even He says: 

Sorry. I don't have a Me Damned clue where they could be either. Good luck.