Update: Mental Health

So, things have been going. Not good, not bad, just going. 

Do I feel as though I'm settling into more of a routine? Yes. But do I enjoy that routine? Not always. I feel as though a majority of our time during the day is spent in the car. This is fine for Lovie since he's at preschool running around for three hours but since it's a 25 minute drive to and from his preschool that doesn't leave Baby Sister a lot of time for eating/napping/tummy time. Yes, there is plenty of time for tummy time in the afternoon/evening but you know. It's just not ideal. But, I guess you do the best you can with what you've got. 

Do I like being a stay at home Mom? Yes and no. I love the fact that I'm able to be with them - morning, noon and night. And they are such happy kids. They are totally thriving. But I'm not. I miss working. I miss the drive to get something done by a deadline. I miss consistent adult interaction. I miss having tangible metrics for achieving success. I'd say the latter is the hardest thing about being a stay at home Mom - you have no idea whether you're successful or not, until they grow up to be either a priest or Eminem.

Currently, I'm pursuing part-time opportunities as well as full-time ones that have the flexibility to work from home some days. I think it'll be best for everyone. And I'm really looking forward to it. Also, being a stay at home Mom has been hard financially. We've had to cut back on some things and, selfishly, I don't want to cut back on certain things.

I've found that while I love being with my children I hate HATE housework. Hate it. I'm fine with it if that's not my only goal throughout the day. But it is. And I'm going insane.  I just can't find joy in laundry or dishes or cleaning. And my admiration for those who do/have done it read: my amazing Mom grows exponentially every day.

I've learned I'd be a great housewife if I could also have the wealth of those of the Real Housewives of ... series. I'd enjoy being a stay at home Mom if my biggest worry was with whom I was going brunch that day or what color I wanted to paint my nails at my weekly mani/pedi. Yes. That I could get behind. At the very least I could totally get behind having a maid. *swoon*

And I'm finally able to talk to a therapist next week. It was the soonest appointment I could get. I know the grass isn't always greener, and that working will present itself with a new set of challenges to adapt to. I know that eventually I may be a stay at home Mom again - but it'll more likely than not be when I'm ready. I just don't think now is my time.

Regardless, I do know there is a happier patch of grass out there and I can't wait to find my happy patch!

TV = Totally Vital

There are a few television shows that I am obsessed with ... obsessed being the perfect word choice. I've outlined them in order of the day of the week on which they air, not in order of favorite ... which would be tantamount to declaring which child you love more - it's just impossible. 

Sunday - The Walking Dead, 9:00pm on AMC

All I have to say is THANK GOD this show exists. How else would we know that zombies CAN climb stairs? contrary to popular belief. How else would we know that loud sounds attract zombies and that in the impending zombie-pocolypse it's knives we should stocking up on NOT guns? You're welcome. This show is amazing if not a little too real at times. The brave souls in this show fight the fight that I think we can all agree is indeed "Worst Case Senario." As for Rick, well, those who doubted his acting abilities in Love, Actually can now put those to rest. 

Monday -  Bethenny, Ever After, 9:00pm on Bravo

So she's slightly trannie, very neurotic and super Type A. But I love her. With my whole heart and soul. I will admit, this season is not as good as last so far ...  but I'll tune in every Monday the whole season. Especially since this season will be her last. Good news!! She's going to have a daytime talk show come June annnnd I'll watch that too. I just love her. 

Wednesday - Top Chef, 10:00pm on Bravo
Like Lovie, this show is my first love. I've been a loyal Top Chef fan since right before I met Mr. Nonmomjeans so about 3 years-ish? I love everything about this show, the hosts, the chef-testants, the format ... it rocks. As someone whose allergic to everything under the sun, it allows me for an hour to pretend that I can eat half the stuff these guys make. And they are all so creative, the talent and passion is truly inspiring. The finale is always bittersweet  because yes, it's exciting to see who wins, yet sad, because you know you won't get your Wednesday indulgence for a few months. 

Summer
Sunday - True Blood on HBO
This show is like vampire and werewolf reality. I can't watch it alone and have to watch it when I know Mr. Nonmomjeans won't be traveling. It's a freaky soft-porn if we're going to call a spade a spade here. So, not all the characters are believable and sometimes it's super cheesy but overall it's got a good story line, it's action packed and everyone is ridiculously good looking ...

Case. And. Point. 

Mid 2012
Series Finale of Breaking Bad on AMC
This was pretty heartbreaking news learning that this season, Season 5, will be the last. This is probably one of the most amazing shows ever. The character development is insane, the story line is complex and thrilling and keeps you guessing, and the attention to detail within each episode is similar to that on Lost. And I really wish I paid more attention in Chemistry so that I could be a billionaire making meth.

These five are TOTALLY VITAL TO MY NON ADULT INTERACTION EXISTANCE (!!!).

I also enjoy Millionaire Matchmaker, Rachel Zoe Project, Work of Art, The Office and Up All Night. If I miss these it's fine, they are not vital. If anything they are mindless entertainment to have on while cleaning.

Snow!

Last weekend we had a snow storm ... we got about 5 inches. While it was beautiful, I've already had my fill and hope that we don't get anymore this year. 

Lovie had a great time though:

Such a little snow bunny ... Thank you Miss Maria for my panda bear hat!

Happy 6 months Baby Sister!

I remember as a kid during the summer, thinking about Christmas and it seemed so. far. away. Almost elusive. Now, heavens to Betsy, a year is over in the blink of an eye.

Further highlighting this contrast between childhood and adulthood, is that a mere 6 months ago I was in labor for 14 hours with Baby Sister. Where, how, when did that happen??? At just six months, she is already so smart and LOVES her Big Brother, Lovie. I can tell she's going to have a zest for life and a love of food. And I have the honor, no matter how bad the day may be, to get to look at this little, happy face and call her my own ...

And to think ... this outfit was the slimming option  :) 

Happy Half-Birthday, Little Love Girl!!

Product Review: Greatest Eyeliner Ever

I have really small, squinty eyes; so squinty that if I wear mascara or eyeliner on my bottom lashes I look like a meth addict.  Therefore, all my life I've shy-ed away from looking like a meth addict. I've always used mascara but have been too afraid to use eyeliner.

Then I decided to go and get married and that required impeccable makeup and anything to make my eyes look bigger. The fine ladies at Lancome agreed that I should shy away from mascara on my lower lashes and eyeliner on the lower lashes but to line the tops with a waterproof eyeliner in brown. It was great, did the trick perfectly but it was a little impossible to get off great for wedding day not so great for everyday.

Then, last weekend I went to visit my dear friend and BFF Maria. She needed to go to Clinique to get some eyeliner so I joined. We both walked out of there with this:

I had to get two: Intense Ivy and Intense Midnight

Did you happen to take a look at the cost comparison between the Lancome pencil and the Clinique? For the price of ONE Lancome pencil I was able to get TWO Clinique pencils okay, okay, approximately. And it stays on all day ... and it's not waterproof ... and it's amazing. Did I mention it has a little bit of shimmer? Love shimmer.

Historically, I am not a fan of Clinique. I know they claim to be sensitive skin friendly, but my skin is even too sensitive for their level of sensitivity. I was a Prescriptives gal. But we all know what happened to them ... womp womp. But this passed the itchy, runny eyes sensitivity test. And let me tell you, an Intense Midnight pencil on your lids will wake those tired eyes right up.

I'm in love, and I will never use another eyeliner ever again.

Depression? Postpartum? SAD?

I just want to feel like myself again and less like this:

There are some major things that have happened (fairly) recently, that may be contributing factors to this. I'll go in sequential order: 

1. Got married (late 2010)
2. Got pregnant (December 2010)
3. Stopped working (August 2011)
4. Had Baby (August 2011)
5. Full time Mom (late 2011/early 2012)
6. ???? 

I know. None of those things are sad things, they are happy things. However, as any newly wed knows, there are major adjustments that happen upon starting a marriage. A lot of people think that if you live together before-hand that then when you're married it's the same. But it's not. There are certain changes that take place that take adjusting to - both good and bad. So, yes it's happy but a happy marriage takes a lot of hard work. Then with pregnancy the hormones and just being pregnant overall make it more uncomfortable/borderline miserable than enjoyable. I'd even go so far to say that the only enjoyable things about pregnancy are feeling the baby move, seeing the baby on a sonogram, and having bigger boobs. Then the baby coming makes for a very sleep-deprived and over-stressed/over-worked/over-everything lifestyle. Then being a full time Mom is alienating. It's been so hard. By far the hardest, loneliest thing ever.  

Since I don't have a circle of friends where we all started out with one child the same age so then we decide to have our second around the same time too, I don't always have a network of friends that I can call on for a play date/Mommy date. I do have a lovely circle of friends and I am grateful and thankful for them, we just aren't all at the same stage in our lives. 

I realize a lot of the reason why I don't have a network of girlfriends with kids is because up until this year I was working full-time ... and the last thing I wanted to do most weekends was send Lovie off for a play date. Due in large part to me enjoying having him around, missing him and he was having non-stop play time (all day 5 days a week) at daycare. I am also well aware that now, I can't always do playdates because of Lovie's preschool schedule and the fact that Baby Sister is so young and still so needy read: breastfeeding. 

So, I'm trying to keep a very realistic, very honest rationale for the reason for my depression/sadness and realize a lot of why I am this way is situational. And the Type A in me puts a plan into place called How I Can Fix It ... so Chapter 1 in How I Can Fix It is take steps to form/foster relationships with women who have kids approximately the same age as mine, which can be achieved by: 

1. Taking Mom's up on their offer to "get the kids together one afternoon"
2. Asking Mom's on Facebook for playdates
3. Joining a MOTTS group at Lovie's preschool (MOTTS = Mom's of Tots to Teens)
4. Becoming more involved at church
5. Keeping an ear out for other social activities

When I do have more flexibility to be more of a social butterfly with my children, I want to have a network to turn to. Also, depending on what we have going on each day, Baby Sister and Lovie can have very flexible schedules. That's why if a fellow Mom asks for a playdate, unless we have a doctors appointment or SOMEthing going on I won't decline. 

Also, part of Chapter 1 includes going to talk to someone. A therapist. Regardless of what it is, it's now my job to be the best, most productive Mom and wife (whether I was working or not). And that's what I am trying to be on a daily basis. Which may mean going back to work ... I'm not too proud or guilty to admit that I may be a working Mom ... hey if means I'm happy then that directly translates into a happy home/kids/husband. I just don't know, I do know I can't solve this problem on my own so I am going to therapy. A lot of this requires time and still adjusting to new schedules, routines ... Regardless, I'll keep you all posted on my progress and how things are going.

Motherhood is a struggle that's for sure. And that's something no one really does ever prepare you for.

Valentine's Day

OH goodie!! A totally made-up Holiday ... actually it's such a horrible holiday it doesn't even deserve to be capitalized.

Yes, I have a Valentine and yes, I still hate Valentine's Day.

That being said, and because the day is just so stupid, I thought:
Wouldn't it be nice to get each other a present???

So, we got each other something special.

All Mr. Nonmomjeans could talk about was how much he wanted a cast iron skillet. I'm pretty sure he even put that in his Match.com profile. We just don't seem to carry them here in Virginia, oddly enough. So in a magazine I was reading, it just so happened that an editor loved hers from Lodge Cast Iron Cookware and it comes preseasoned! Valentine's gift problem solved. Mr. Nonmomjeans also has delicate hands that are sensitive to heat so I thought it'd also be nice if I got him a handle protector for his precious phalanges.

I've never had a massage or a spa day. So I was pretty excited to see this:

Let's just say this overworked Momma is really looking forward to that little treat.

The icing on the cake was Lovie and Baby Sister's red roses and the sweet card they both signed.

The penmanship alone is enough to make any Mother proud.

But I still hate Valentine's Day.