Fall Back ...

How TRUE!! Er. Mah. Gerd.

Spring Forward.

In the Spring I decided to run a marathon. My first marathon. Something that I've always wanted to do and what better time to do it than after you've had a baby are looking for a way to get out of your post partum depression. I loved the training program, the people I met and how it immediately cleared my mind. Most of all I felt strong and athletic afterwards - neither of which I'd really ever felt before. Because I never really, like really really, trained for anything before. And then Spring turned to Summer and Summer to ...

Fall Back.

Welp. The Fall and I have never really gotten along too well. Especially, early Fall - when it's warm and leaves are on the ground and pollen and mold invade my nostrils. This marathon thing, I don't take a marathon lightly. You have to train for it. I do believe that anyone, of any size and any stature and athletic ability, can run a marathon but ... you have to train for it. Then came a couple of medical set backs that completely prohibited me from training, let alone exercising. During that time I missed a lot of the longer distance, important, training runs and catching up would be hard. I quickly realized I just can't do it. Not now. We'll see about next year, it's not off the books just yet! Since I paid for the race, I transferred my registration to the 1/2 marathon. Once I got over feeling like a quitter and completely defeated, I realized that after this year I am in need of something that I know I can accomplish and that I can do well. I'm hoping for a PR this 1/2 marathon. 

And maybe, initially, I bit off more than I could chew and now I'm where I should've been from the start.

Happiness - you feel amazing

Hello!!!

I haven't posted in a while. Part due to not having time and part because I just haven't really felt like it. Remember this post? And then this one? Well, I feel like now, the postpartum fog is finally, 100% gone. I've had happy days here and there but even on those days if the house was the least bit disorganized or if toys were strewn everywhere from Thing 1 and Thing 2, the sheer thought of picking up or cleaning seemed so daunting that the best option was just to sit and mope. Even going back to work, which was such a happy, fulfilling feeling - something that I hadn't felt in months, didn't feel 100% happy; the same things would still get me down, depressed and completely unmotivated. 

So! I had to post today because I feel like lately, thinking back over the past few weeks and days and thinking today I'm SO happy. There isn't a fog anymore. I still find I have to dig deep to find motivation to clean - but that's pretty much how it was before Baby Sister. I've never been one that loves to clean. If we could afford it and the minute we can we're getting a cleaning service. 

Taking care of Baby Sister and being a stay at home Mom now feels like something I can tackle. I have desire to meet up with other Mom's and outwardly seek play dates. Before, I wanted to, but it felt like it would be more of a chore or too hard because everything felt so overwhelming. I also felt like it would be hard because those Mom's loved being a stay at home Mom and at the time I didn't. Faking happiness seemed too hard. Now, when people say "you'll never get these days/months/years back" re: staying home with Baby Sister I get it. Now, I want to stay home with her. I want to see her first steps, I want to spend time with her. Staying home with her no longer feels devastatingly lonely even though it is lonely sometimes or that there's something else that I should be doing. Granted, I love working, so I do want to do that again one day but now I feel truly happy about what I'm doing and the little person with whom I spend 90% of my day. 

I just feel happy. I feel like Angela. Not happy but ... not like myself but ... there aren't any but's anymore. 

Therapy - certainly helped I continue to go. But I also think time helped too; and having an insanely supportive and understanding husband. His lack of gender role specific household ideology has been so wonderful. On the days where loading the dishwasher seemed like an insurmountable task - he would not only load it but clean the whole kitchen. Without my even having to ask. He just did it. He could see the sadness, see how hard it was. Yes, it was bad. Very bad. I love him so much. My family has been great too, helping to keep my expectations realistic and doing all they can to help.

It just feels good to finally look around and truly appreciate everything about my life, and my new "career." It's not all rainbows and butterflies but on the days where it's not it I can be realistic about life again. And it feels GOOD!!!

Un.Believable.

People never cease to amaze. Manners? Polite? What IS that?!?

From the moment I first held Lovie in my arms I knew one day that I'd probably have to address the Are you his nanny? conversation. He's a completely different (darker) color family than me (whiter than white). Mostly, from children - their curious minds running rampant with how to put the two of us together. Not thinking that someone so white could have such a delicious little brown berry. And I don't really take offense to that. They are kids. Do I think that it's rude? Of course, but you can't fault kids for their parents shortcomings. And to a certain point kids are going to be kids no matter how much you instill in them to be polite, treat everyone the same, don't talk about others who look different, etc.

What surprises me are the number of ADULTS who within ear shot of Lovie will question me, more than once mind you, in sheer disbelief, of whether or not I'm his mother. Lately, there have been three such instances and I don't know whether to be appalled or admired by their gall. 

#1 Sweet Frog (fro-yo joint) 
Mr. Nonmomjeans and Baby Sister are getting their toppings and I'm back helping Lovie get his froyo ... Mister behind us is staring at the interaction not only between me and Lovie but noticing Mr. Nonmomjeans and Baby Sister. I can feel the wheels in his head churning. We proceed to sit down and as a family enjoy and finish our froyo - Mister and his Mrs. sit at the table behind us and have periodically smiled and flirted with both children. As I'm getting up to throw our trash away, with Lovie in tow being a helper, Mister asks "Is he yours?" to which I respond yes and that he's almost five. To which he says, "REALLY!?! He's yours? He's so much darker than you!?!" Lovie is right there. Standing next to me. I say pointedly, Yes. He is. And walk away. 

I'm always caught off guard by situations like this. My blood was boiling and I would've loved to have thrown my trash in his face and say something like mind your own G.D. business. But I'm too nice. I think I'm caught off guard by people asking such questions in general. Because I would just NEVER EVER do that. Especially, with the child in question standing right there. And quite frankly, I don't care what your family situation is. I don't care if you don't look like your children. You're a happy family. That's all that matters. It's none of my business how you got that way.

#2 Pool
Child instance. To which I am somewhat less disgusted by, but again with Lovie right there asks me "Is that your son?" Yes he's my son. "Are you sure he's your son." Yes; he's my son. "He doesn't look like you at all." I wish I knew where this child's parents were sitting. 

#3 Busch Gardens
Standing in line for Elmo's Rollercoaster - Gentleman with his son in tow ask "Is he yours?" Yep. "Really?!? He's so tan. Like really, really tan." Yes he sure is and we should all be so lucky - was my response. 

I really have to start thinking of something witty/sarcastic and disrespectful back to these assholes. The amount of disrespect they feel they can show in front of my child is horrific. But you know what, part of me handles it in a cool, calm manner because I don't want to draw any more attention to it in front of Lovie than is necessary. And quite frankly, five is not the time to have the heart-to-heart discussion with him about why he is shades darker than the rest of his family. 

And guess what. HE has yet to ask WHY he LOOKS different because he doesn't see color. He just sees love. 

Five

I had a panic attack the other day because this will be FIVE at the end of June:

How did THAT happen? Where did time go? I'm not one to get overly sentimental over age, but for some reason I just can't help but cry when I think of Lovie turning FIVE. It just seems so old I guess. He's growing up so fast I can hardly stand it.

Dreams to Reality ... in two parts

Part One - Marathon

For as long as I can remember, running a marathon has been near the top, if not at the top, of my "bucket list." Part in parcel because when I was younger my Dad ran four marathons and is responsible for getting me into running. Seeing first hand the high he experienced after he completed SUCH an incredible feat was pretty awesome to witness as a kid. And then seeing how running especially marathon training got him in incredible shape was pretty cool too. 

Last night there was an information session for the Richmond Marathon, which takes place on November 10th. I attended with hopes of it talking me out of running the marathon. But if anything, it talked me into running it even more. So, that night after talking to Mr. Nonmomjeans about how this will not only be a lifestyle change but will require an insane amount of support from him I wasn't concerned about the latter ... he's my biggest cheerleader and also he'll be Mr. Mom most Saturday mornings ... so after a resounding YES, do it and give it 100% from him ... I signed up. I'm fortunate enough to live in Richmond where there's a training team put on by Sports Backers for the Richmond Marathon. Last year it had over 11,000 participants in the program and I've heard from many whom have done the program that they met some great lifelong running buddies and most importantly, friends. The program breaks the participants into three groups: novice, intermediate and advanced. Within those groups are subgroups, each with a trainer, and you have the choice of selecting either Saturday or Sunday morning group runs. This sense of camaraderie was key for me. I'll consider the experience a success if I a.) finish and b.) make at least one friend. 

I'm nervous but an excited nervous. Like the night before I got married. Eeek! Can't wait. 

Part Two - Started Grassroots Company ... P.S. I got it covered

Those who know me well, know that having my own personal shopping business has been a dream of mine since, well, forever. So, I've started a facebook page http://www.facebook.com/PsIGotItCovered for the company. I'll probably also have a blog until I see what happens. Since Facebook is free, I figure I have nothing to lose. Either it'll be a great success and a hit or it won't ... I'm fine with both. Right now I am not employed other than by my adorable children, so I have the time to see if it takes off or not. I'm also married to a great guy who has been nothing but encouraging of this venture since I told him what I wanted to do. 

P.S. stands for "personal shopper" and I got it covered came from the fact that currently, until need/demand is clearly defined I'm willing to shop for most anything that people hate to do/need help with. I also like the idea of it being a "P.S." at the end of a note, or the end of a conversation with a girl friend. Kinna like "P.S. I can help you with that by the way." I thought it was clever. Now I just have to find a graphic designer to put my idea for a company logo into reality. I have the design in my head so vividly ... I just need help making it reality. So, if you know of anyone who would be willing to do this gratis or on a dime, let me know!!

So, stay tuned. I'm a novice at both of these things so I'm sure I'll make some mistakes and have to find my own way. Especially with the personal shopping company, I'm sure it'll evolve over time - from mission statement to rates to what I shop for ... supply and demand. But I'm also confident that with enough passion and drive most anything can become successful! 

Product Review: Lorac TANtilizer Highlighter & Matte Bronzer Duo

Buy it right now

This has been close to life changing for me. I'm about as white of a white girl as they come. And summer barely rectifies that whole situation. Recently, I've been reading a lot about bronzer and how it's pretty much an instant face lifter and instantly makes your face look more alive. So, for my Birthday I asked for a gift card to Sephora so that I could find bronzer that I liked and that suited my ever growing list of requirements:

1. Sensitive skin friendly
2. No parabens
3. No fragrance
4. Won't look unnatural
5. Not a self-tanner
6. For the face

When the amazing Sephora sales lady showed me the Lorac bronzer I was already ready to say YES! I am a huge of fan of Lorac and use the Lorac foundation and love it here's the link if you're in the market for a sensitive skin friendly foundation: http://www.loraccosmetics.com/best-sellers_natural-performance-foundation.html. Keep in mind, this covers so well that you don't need much at all ... read: it's lasted me 2 years. 

The bronzer on one side and highlighter on the other is perfect. With the bronzer, depending on your skin color, you can add as little or as much as you like. The sales lady who sold it to me used it and she was a very dark black woman. She said, "It's one of the few bronzer's that looks good on all skin colors." I LOVE it. It gives my pasty white self juuuust enough color to look refreshed and awake and slightly sun kissed. Typically you put on bronzer after foundation and/or concealer and powder but before you put on blush. The highlighter is fun to play around with. It has a hint of shimmer and is a great finishing, defining touch after you put on all your makeup. It goes on the brow bone, top of the cheek bone and then down the top of your nose. 

The other day I went out of the house with some bronzer, blush and a swipe of mascara and some highlighter on my brow bone and looked effortlessly natural. Maybe that's what I love most about this dynamic duo. That above all, it looks natural.

Stress

So, you'll remember the post last month about being sad? Since then I've been to a therapist to talk my way through various Angela Agenda items and it's been a huge help. Two sessions ago, on my Birthday to be exact, she left me with a packet on stress and my objective before the next session was to read through it. Read through it I did and boy do we have one stressed lady on our hands. 

The first page in the packet was on Signs of Stress including bodily signs (tense muscles, headaches, frequent colds, breathing difficulties), feeling signs (uneasy, nervous, helpless, dissatisfied, frustrated, apathetic), behavioral signs (act irritable, negativistic; verbal mistakes, timid/withdrawn) and thinking signs (self doubt, racing thoughts, think you need help, difficulty concentrating). The second page is titled You and Stress and is a test of sorts to see just how stressed you are. There is a column on the left with various situations/life events and a numerical score attached to them. The exercise is to go through the column of life events/situations and see how many have happened/apply to you in the past year. Tally up the score and then see the chart below to determine how stressed you really are. Well, my score was 487. Apparently, any score over 300 states the following:

You now have a 9 in 10 chance of a serious health change in the next two years.

Hooray!!

I voiced my concern to my therapist about how that score was alarming/scary. As with most things, the first step is recognizing the stress. And the next is to recognize when stressful events are about to occur and planning/manage them accordingly. Example:

Pregnancy:
Recognize that it's going to be stressful
Realize that things that were previously able to be accomplished in a day may not be ever?
Cut yourself some slack and give yourself credit

Ha. Or don't have a baby less than a year after you get married. 

As for ways to effectively manage stress, the packet suggests healthy diet and exercise. Which seems to be the answer for pretty much anything these days. And another key factor that my therapist told me to do was to get some human interaction during the day. Of which currently I have little to none of. And to give myself a break. Those are things I can start doing NOW to solve the immediate need of A 31 year old should not have that much stress in her life and how can we reduce it.

Here's my immediate action plan:
while Lovie is at school go to the gym and take an exercise class (there is free babysitting for Baby Sister), look into working at Nordstrom a few evenings during the week and one weekend day or look into going back to work part time and start accomplishing some of my dreams.

One dream I've had for probably the past five to six years is to be a personal shopper. I've always loved shopping for others, shopping in general and love to run errands. Most hate errands and grocery shopping in particular, but it's something I've always enjoyed. Why not give it a go? What do I have to lose?

In the packet, and through talking to my therapist, it's mentioned often that once stress is recognized it can be used in a positive way. To solve a problem, to push us to do something that we may not have thought we could or to learn. While I'm stressed that I'm stressed, I'm also excited to put some of these tools to use and for what the future holds. Stay tuned!!

10K

No matter the distance, when your 60 year old Dad asks if you want to run a race with him you do it. No if's, and's or but's. My Dad is one of my greatest motivators - in life and in running. He knows at exactly the right moment to be encouraging, when to be empathetic and when to really push. We have the same pace and both love to book it when are we are about .2 to .4 miles away from the finish line. Something about seeing the finish, and picking off people as we approach that sends the adrenaline soaring. 

I don't know how many more of these opportunities I'll have so I want to jump on each one. Love you, Dad! Thanks for a great race!

At his surprise 60th Birthday Party 

One of my all time favorites and sums up perfectly how I feel about my Dad

Survivor

Two years ago yesterday my Grandmother, Nanny, survived a stroke. Actually, if we're going to get right down to it, she survived a lot of mini strokes from the afternoon the first one happened until late into the night. I will always remember that day, like 9/11, and the emotions I had surrounding that day. A day that started happy and joyful became sad and traumatic and horrible and, miraculously, ended on a high note.

If it were not for our family friend, who happens to be a doctor, who stayed at the hospital with us and made the lifesaving recommendation to her doctor about performing a very dangerous procedure on her - she wouldn't be alive today. So dangerous that a waiver had to be signed to even do it because of the mortality associated with it. A true fighter, the procedure worked and she spent no more than a few days in the hospital. And best of all - she has no lasting effects from the strokes. 

Now, two years later she has not only been able to see me get married, but my younger brother as well, and the birth of Baby Sister and many, many more celebrations to come. A true miracle.

I love you, Nanny!!

I thank God every day for her survival.

Grey/Gray

While yes, this does describe my mood as of late; no, that's not what this post is about. It's about appropriate work out/running errands pants. Here's a little experiment to get my point across ...

1. Put on a pair of gray pants
2. Pee your pants
3. You're not going anywhere without changing your pants are you?

Case and point. So, if you want to wear your grey pants to run errands and it's not nine billiondy degrees read: no threat of swamp ass go ahead. But if you want to wear your gray pants to go work out or, better yet, work out and then run errands well, don't say I didn't warn you. 

Gray has a way of showing EVERYTHING. It's not as forgiving as black or white or dark green or navy ... which hide most everything. A very select, few, group of people can get away with "working out" in grey pants cause their definition of "working out" is just that ... exercise that deserves quotation marks around it. Cause it's more about reading US Weekly than it is about actually, working out. 

You want me to tell you when you have something in your teeth, right? Well. I'd certainly hope that if you looked like you peed your pants when you didn't you'd want me to tell you that too.

Book Review: Hunger Games

Suzanne Collins, like she would ever read my blog but will you be my friend? Tell me stories? Describe pretty much anything to me? Because oh my gosh, this woman can tell a story with the most description, color, and intensity that I have ever read. If I were blind, I'd want her to describe everything to me because it would essentially be like I'm able to see. She's that good. 

She makes you feel as if you are IN this book. As if you ARE Katniss Everdeen for the entirety of the book. The world she transplants you into is like none other that our America - Home of the Free minds can wrap our heads around. It's hard to fathom what Katniss' world is like, especially since it's in the future. Which generally, when we think of America in the future sense we think of a world similar to the Jetsons not Jurassic Park meets Pangea meets Rocky Horror Picture Show meets video games come to life. Their future is almost like post-apocalyptic regression. 

Throughout The Hunger Games, Suzanne Collins does a great job of describing how the Hunger Games themselves are pretty much the only hope for Katniss and her family to have anything to live for ... literally and figuratively. I won't give away what the Hunger Games means in case anyone reading this has not yet read the books because I appreciated that those who had read the book didn't tell me. It just added to the surreal quality of the book and the shock and surprise. 

The movie comes out this week, on Friday, and while part of me CAN. NOT. WAIT. to see it. The other part is petrified. Because of how visual, descriptive and overall amazing this book is, it'd be so tragic if they don't get it right. Part in parcel because the book is like nothing else out there. So signing up to transform this book into a movie is going to be such a big challenge. It has the potential to not live up to the superiority of the book as most book to movie books do and on the other hand I can't wait to see this book come to life. 

Five out of five stars. 

Update: Mental Health

So, things have been going. Not good, not bad, just going. 

Do I feel as though I'm settling into more of a routine? Yes. But do I enjoy that routine? Not always. I feel as though a majority of our time during the day is spent in the car. This is fine for Lovie since he's at preschool running around for three hours but since it's a 25 minute drive to and from his preschool that doesn't leave Baby Sister a lot of time for eating/napping/tummy time. Yes, there is plenty of time for tummy time in the afternoon/evening but you know. It's just not ideal. But, I guess you do the best you can with what you've got. 

Do I like being a stay at home Mom? Yes and no. I love the fact that I'm able to be with them - morning, noon and night. And they are such happy kids. They are totally thriving. But I'm not. I miss working. I miss the drive to get something done by a deadline. I miss consistent adult interaction. I miss having tangible metrics for achieving success. I'd say the latter is the hardest thing about being a stay at home Mom - you have no idea whether you're successful or not, until they grow up to be either a priest or Eminem.

Currently, I'm pursuing part-time opportunities as well as full-time ones that have the flexibility to work from home some days. I think it'll be best for everyone. And I'm really looking forward to it. Also, being a stay at home Mom has been hard financially. We've had to cut back on some things and, selfishly, I don't want to cut back on certain things.

I've found that while I love being with my children I hate HATE housework. Hate it. I'm fine with it if that's not my only goal throughout the day. But it is. And I'm going insane.  I just can't find joy in laundry or dishes or cleaning. And my admiration for those who do/have done it read: my amazing Mom grows exponentially every day.

I've learned I'd be a great housewife if I could also have the wealth of those of the Real Housewives of ... series. I'd enjoy being a stay at home Mom if my biggest worry was with whom I was going brunch that day or what color I wanted to paint my nails at my weekly mani/pedi. Yes. That I could get behind. At the very least I could totally get behind having a maid. *swoon*

And I'm finally able to talk to a therapist next week. It was the soonest appointment I could get. I know the grass isn't always greener, and that working will present itself with a new set of challenges to adapt to. I know that eventually I may be a stay at home Mom again - but it'll more likely than not be when I'm ready. I just don't think now is my time.

Regardless, I do know there is a happier patch of grass out there and I can't wait to find my happy patch!

TV = Totally Vital

There are a few television shows that I am obsessed with ... obsessed being the perfect word choice. I've outlined them in order of the day of the week on which they air, not in order of favorite ... which would be tantamount to declaring which child you love more - it's just impossible. 

Sunday - The Walking Dead, 9:00pm on AMC

All I have to say is THANK GOD this show exists. How else would we know that zombies CAN climb stairs? contrary to popular belief. How else would we know that loud sounds attract zombies and that in the impending zombie-pocolypse it's knives we should stocking up on NOT guns? You're welcome. This show is amazing if not a little too real at times. The brave souls in this show fight the fight that I think we can all agree is indeed "Worst Case Senario." As for Rick, well, those who doubted his acting abilities in Love, Actually can now put those to rest. 

Monday -  Bethenny, Ever After, 9:00pm on Bravo

So she's slightly trannie, very neurotic and super Type A. But I love her. With my whole heart and soul. I will admit, this season is not as good as last so far ...  but I'll tune in every Monday the whole season. Especially since this season will be her last. Good news!! She's going to have a daytime talk show come June annnnd I'll watch that too. I just love her. 

Wednesday - Top Chef, 10:00pm on Bravo
Like Lovie, this show is my first love. I've been a loyal Top Chef fan since right before I met Mr. Nonmomjeans so about 3 years-ish? I love everything about this show, the hosts, the chef-testants, the format ... it rocks. As someone whose allergic to everything under the sun, it allows me for an hour to pretend that I can eat half the stuff these guys make. And they are all so creative, the talent and passion is truly inspiring. The finale is always bittersweet  because yes, it's exciting to see who wins, yet sad, because you know you won't get your Wednesday indulgence for a few months. 

Summer
Sunday - True Blood on HBO
This show is like vampire and werewolf reality. I can't watch it alone and have to watch it when I know Mr. Nonmomjeans won't be traveling. It's a freaky soft-porn if we're going to call a spade a spade here. So, not all the characters are believable and sometimes it's super cheesy but overall it's got a good story line, it's action packed and everyone is ridiculously good looking ...

Case. And. Point. 

Mid 2012
Series Finale of Breaking Bad on AMC
This was pretty heartbreaking news learning that this season, Season 5, will be the last. This is probably one of the most amazing shows ever. The character development is insane, the story line is complex and thrilling and keeps you guessing, and the attention to detail within each episode is similar to that on Lost. And I really wish I paid more attention in Chemistry so that I could be a billionaire making meth.

These five are TOTALLY VITAL TO MY NON ADULT INTERACTION EXISTANCE (!!!).

I also enjoy Millionaire Matchmaker, Rachel Zoe Project, Work of Art, The Office and Up All Night. If I miss these it's fine, they are not vital. If anything they are mindless entertainment to have on while cleaning.

Snow!

Last weekend we had a snow storm ... we got about 5 inches. While it was beautiful, I've already had my fill and hope that we don't get anymore this year. 

Lovie had a great time though:

Such a little snow bunny ... Thank you Miss Maria for my panda bear hat!

Happy 6 months Baby Sister!

I remember as a kid during the summer, thinking about Christmas and it seemed so. far. away. Almost elusive. Now, heavens to Betsy, a year is over in the blink of an eye.

Further highlighting this contrast between childhood and adulthood, is that a mere 6 months ago I was in labor for 14 hours with Baby Sister. Where, how, when did that happen??? At just six months, she is already so smart and LOVES her Big Brother, Lovie. I can tell she's going to have a zest for life and a love of food. And I have the honor, no matter how bad the day may be, to get to look at this little, happy face and call her my own ...

And to think ... this outfit was the slimming option  :) 

Happy Half-Birthday, Little Love Girl!!

Product Review: Greatest Eyeliner Ever

I have really small, squinty eyes; so squinty that if I wear mascara or eyeliner on my bottom lashes I look like a meth addict.  Therefore, all my life I've shy-ed away from looking like a meth addict. I've always used mascara but have been too afraid to use eyeliner.

Then I decided to go and get married and that required impeccable makeup and anything to make my eyes look bigger. The fine ladies at Lancome agreed that I should shy away from mascara on my lower lashes and eyeliner on the lower lashes but to line the tops with a waterproof eyeliner in brown. It was great, did the trick perfectly but it was a little impossible to get off great for wedding day not so great for everyday.

Then, last weekend I went to visit my dear friend and BFF Maria. She needed to go to Clinique to get some eyeliner so I joined. We both walked out of there with this:

I had to get two: Intense Ivy and Intense Midnight

Did you happen to take a look at the cost comparison between the Lancome pencil and the Clinique? For the price of ONE Lancome pencil I was able to get TWO Clinique pencils okay, okay, approximately. And it stays on all day ... and it's not waterproof ... and it's amazing. Did I mention it has a little bit of shimmer? Love shimmer.

Historically, I am not a fan of Clinique. I know they claim to be sensitive skin friendly, but my skin is even too sensitive for their level of sensitivity. I was a Prescriptives gal. But we all know what happened to them ... womp womp. But this passed the itchy, runny eyes sensitivity test. And let me tell you, an Intense Midnight pencil on your lids will wake those tired eyes right up.

I'm in love, and I will never use another eyeliner ever again.

Depression? Postpartum? SAD?

I just want to feel like myself again and less like this:

There are some major things that have happened (fairly) recently, that may be contributing factors to this. I'll go in sequential order: 

1. Got married (late 2010)
2. Got pregnant (December 2010)
3. Stopped working (August 2011)
4. Had Baby (August 2011)
5. Full time Mom (late 2011/early 2012)
6. ???? 

I know. None of those things are sad things, they are happy things. However, as any newly wed knows, there are major adjustments that happen upon starting a marriage. A lot of people think that if you live together before-hand that then when you're married it's the same. But it's not. There are certain changes that take place that take adjusting to - both good and bad. So, yes it's happy but a happy marriage takes a lot of hard work. Then with pregnancy the hormones and just being pregnant overall make it more uncomfortable/borderline miserable than enjoyable. I'd even go so far to say that the only enjoyable things about pregnancy are feeling the baby move, seeing the baby on a sonogram, and having bigger boobs. Then the baby coming makes for a very sleep-deprived and over-stressed/over-worked/over-everything lifestyle. Then being a full time Mom is alienating. It's been so hard. By far the hardest, loneliest thing ever.  

Since I don't have a circle of friends where we all started out with one child the same age so then we decide to have our second around the same time too, I don't always have a network of friends that I can call on for a play date/Mommy date. I do have a lovely circle of friends and I am grateful and thankful for them, we just aren't all at the same stage in our lives. 

I realize a lot of the reason why I don't have a network of girlfriends with kids is because up until this year I was working full-time ... and the last thing I wanted to do most weekends was send Lovie off for a play date. Due in large part to me enjoying having him around, missing him and he was having non-stop play time (all day 5 days a week) at daycare. I am also well aware that now, I can't always do playdates because of Lovie's preschool schedule and the fact that Baby Sister is so young and still so needy read: breastfeeding. 

So, I'm trying to keep a very realistic, very honest rationale for the reason for my depression/sadness and realize a lot of why I am this way is situational. And the Type A in me puts a plan into place called How I Can Fix It ... so Chapter 1 in How I Can Fix It is take steps to form/foster relationships with women who have kids approximately the same age as mine, which can be achieved by: 

1. Taking Mom's up on their offer to "get the kids together one afternoon"
2. Asking Mom's on Facebook for playdates
3. Joining a MOTTS group at Lovie's preschool (MOTTS = Mom's of Tots to Teens)
4. Becoming more involved at church
5. Keeping an ear out for other social activities

When I do have more flexibility to be more of a social butterfly with my children, I want to have a network to turn to. Also, depending on what we have going on each day, Baby Sister and Lovie can have very flexible schedules. That's why if a fellow Mom asks for a playdate, unless we have a doctors appointment or SOMEthing going on I won't decline. 

Also, part of Chapter 1 includes going to talk to someone. A therapist. Regardless of what it is, it's now my job to be the best, most productive Mom and wife (whether I was working or not). And that's what I am trying to be on a daily basis. Which may mean going back to work ... I'm not too proud or guilty to admit that I may be a working Mom ... hey if means I'm happy then that directly translates into a happy home/kids/husband. I just don't know, I do know I can't solve this problem on my own so I am going to therapy. A lot of this requires time and still adjusting to new schedules, routines ... Regardless, I'll keep you all posted on my progress and how things are going.

Motherhood is a struggle that's for sure. And that's something no one really does ever prepare you for.

Valentine's Day

OH goodie!! A totally made-up Holiday ... actually it's such a horrible holiday it doesn't even deserve to be capitalized.

Yes, I have a Valentine and yes, I still hate Valentine's Day.

That being said, and because the day is just so stupid, I thought:
Wouldn't it be nice to get each other a present???

So, we got each other something special.

All Mr. Nonmomjeans could talk about was how much he wanted a cast iron skillet. I'm pretty sure he even put that in his Match.com profile. We just don't seem to carry them here in Virginia, oddly enough. So in a magazine I was reading, it just so happened that an editor loved hers from Lodge Cast Iron Cookware and it comes preseasoned! Valentine's gift problem solved. Mr. Nonmomjeans also has delicate hands that are sensitive to heat so I thought it'd also be nice if I got him a handle protector for his precious phalanges.

I've never had a massage or a spa day. So I was pretty excited to see this:

Let's just say this overworked Momma is really looking forward to that little treat.

The icing on the cake was Lovie and Baby Sister's red roses and the sweet card they both signed.

The penmanship alone is enough to make any Mother proud.

But I still hate Valentine's Day.

August 24

Yep! That's Baby Sister's birthday! It's also a remarkably special day in another way too ... she shares her birthday with my cousin Kristin, her birthday angel. Kristin's life was tragically taken at the age of 21 by her boyfriend just a few weeks after she graduated from college. However, her spirit lives on in the lives of those who loved her and now, Baby Sister too.

It's my mission to make sure Baby Sister truly appreciates how special it is that she shares her birthday with Kristin. Ever since Kristin's Krusade was founded, and the 5K was established held each year at Kristin's alma mater St. Joe's in Philadelphia the whole Duni family has participated. It's important for family to be there for one another. Even though Baby Sister was barely 2 months old we went to Kristin's Krusade last year. The only one we missed was 2010 and that was because that year Kristin's Krusade was on the day that Mr. NonMomJeans and I got married.

Growing up Kristin's nickname was affectionately Special K (what foreshadowing, right?!?!). When I was pregnant with Matthew, before I moved back to Richmond with my family, I visited Kristin's grave. I wanted her to meet Matthew and honestly, I didn't know when I'd get a chance to visit her again. On the way out to visit her I stopped at a 7-11 and got one of these bars, wrote a little message on it and left at her grave. Now look who is a now a sponsor of Kristin's Krusade:

This made me smile and cry at the same time.

I've always enjoyed participating in running races. Never really to beat my time or because I'm super competitive but because it gives me the same adrenaline rush as a roller coaster does before you go down the first big drop. Kristin's Krusade is hands down my favorite race and one that I will participate in for as long as I am able to move my legs. Our angel works her magic every year, as there has never been a rainy day for Kristin's Krusade. Talk about some "pull" up there in heaven. Here are some pictures from last year's race:

The words "Kristin's Krusade" is Kristin's handwriting

Baby Sister participating her first of many Kristin's Krusades's at 7 weeks old 

My family at Kristin's Krusade, can't wait for the beautiful day we're going to have this year!

Take a few moments to learn more about Kristin's Krusade - video taken from Kristin's Krusade 2011

Perfect

I think the American Dream as far as kids is concerned is two - a boy and a girl. This is affirmed on a daily basis. If I'm out with Baby Sister while Lovie is in preschool, I get a lot of: "Oh how old is she?" or "What a cute baby" followed by: "Is this your only one?" or "Does she have any siblings?" When I mention that she has an older brother who is four and a half I ALWAYS get this response: "How perfect! A boy and a girl! Now you can stop!" Or "How perfect! One of each!" To which I always say, "Yes, we are blessed, but we still would like to have one more."

And it's true. We are blessed. Both kids are happy and healthy and cute and thriving. But a.) having a boy and a girl, at least to me, isn't perfect (I'll explain) and b.) just cause we have one of each doesn't mean that we shouldn't/don't want one more. 

To me, perfect is two boys, even three boys. That's right. No girls. Why? Well, it kinda sucks being a girl. You have a period. (I could literally stop right there.) And atrocious mood swings and other girls are vicious in middle school and going to any sort of dressy-function is a nightmare ... because let's face it - we dress for other women not for our husbands. Girls are bitchy. If you don't look/dress/comb your hair a certain way you may not have friends. Barbies are expensive (to be fair so are Thomas the Tank Engine trains). So, there's a lot of crap that goes in to being a girl. A lot of high maintenance. A lot of mood. And then one day, if you're "lucky" you get to push a watermelon out of your hoo-ha and see your body go through a real-live science experiment. Neat. 

So, you may be calling Child Protective Services right now, because I have a little girl and just a paragraph above mentioned I want all boys. I love Baby Sister and wouldn't trade her for anything. And I love her with my whole heart and soul. She is perfect. It's just, my idea of perfect is different from the "norm." We do want to have one more, and yes, I hope it's a boy.

I still stand by the statement that I have made all-along since I found out that she was a girl: 

I'm not looking forward to her starting puberty cause there is nothing "happy" about a period. 

Period.

Pet Peeves 101

Pet Peeve: Tights as Leggings/Pants.

Ladies, ladies, LADIES (!!!). You're killing me. Below outlines not only a pet peeve but a fashion faux pas. Memorize, chant, repeat over and over, make this your mantra, whatever. Just get it in your brain: 

So, what this means is that ... it's NEVER okay to wear tights with a shirt that doesn't cover your ass. Still not getting it? It's NEVER okay to wear tights as leggings with tops that don't cover your ass. In fact, go to your closet. Move the tights out of the "pants" pile. Good. 

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that the ONLY instance where this is acceptable is if you're a dancer coming or going to dance class. Or if you're Natalie Portman portraying a dancer in a film. That's it. The only time. Otherwise, wear your tights, as they are intended - under dresses or tunics that cover your precious ass. Because when you don't, you see, you take VPL's to a whole. new. level. And it makes me vomit in my mouth. 

Leggings. These are also intended to be worn with shirts, tunics, cardigans, wraps, etc. that cover your hiney. What's especially disgusting, is when you wear thread bear leggings with shirts, sweaters, etc. that don't cover said hiney. And I'm sorry, but that shit ain't right. You're just asking for your husband/boyfriend/sig other to voluntarily throw themselves in front of a moving car. Can you blame them? 

Solution: Just don't do this. Just don't. And if you think you might, invest in a full length mirror. But here's the kicker - you have to actually uuuussssse it. 

Pet Peeve: Wearing Sunglasses Indoors

This one's easy ... 

Solution Part 1: Are you blind? Is your name Stevie Wonder or Ray Charles?

Solution Part 2: Do NOT then opt for Transitions ... cause that's the creepy solution. 

Stuffed Shells - Sooo good.

I found this recipe in a magazine. Since I'm trying to do a lot more cooking so that eating out is a luxury, I gave it a whirl. It was a hit and we all looked forward to the leftovers.

My food allergies are extensive, so I left the cheese out, and Mr. Nonmom Jeans who has 0 food allergies didn't miss it (or the calories as we are both trying to loose our baby weight). I also used Italian Style Ground Turkey instead of ground beef and threw in some chopped broccoli to the "filling" to give it some color. This one's a keeper, kids. Bon Appetit!

Stuffed Shells

Prep: 50 mins, Bake: 30 mins, Oven temp: 350F

1 box Jumbo Pasta Shells (~35)

3 Tbsp. extra virgin olive oil

1.5 lbs lean ground beef 

2 garlic cloves, peeled and crushed

2 28oz. cans diced tomatoes

1 15oz. carton whole-milk ricotta cheese

1.5 cups grated or finely shredded Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese

1.) Preheat oven to 350F. Lightly oil a baking sheet and a 3 quart oval or rectangle baking dish.

2.) Bring a large pot of water with 1 Tbsp salt to boiling. Add shells and cook just until slightly tender, about 4-5 minutes. Drain pasta and spread in a single layer on baking sheet so they don't stick together.

3.) In a large skillet heat 1 Tbsp of the olive oil over medium heat. Add beef and 1 clove of garlic. Season with salt and pepper. Cook and stir until no pink remains. Transfer to a bowl and set aside.

4.) For tomato sauce, in same skillet over lower heat combine remaining olive oil, remaining garlic, and undrained tomatoes. Season with salt and pepper. Bring to a simmer and cook for 15 to 20 minutes until thickened somewhat.

5.) Stir 1.5 cups of the mixture into the ground beef, add ricotta and 2/3 cup of the Parmigiano cheese, stir until combined.

6.) Spoon 1.5 cups of tomato sauce into prepared baking dish. Fill each pasta shell with about 1 Tbsp meat and cheese mixture. Arrange shells in prepared baking dish. Spoon remaining tomato sauce over shells then sprinkle remaining 2/3 cups cheese. 

*I like my stuffed shells saucy so in addition to spooning the remaining tomato sauce over the shells, I also spooned about 1/2 a jar of tomato sauce over the shells*

7.) Bake about 30 minutes, until filling is heated through and top is golden brown. 

Makes 8 servings (4 shells = 1 serving size) 537 calories, 26g fat, 94mg cholesterol, 661mg sodium, 42g carbs, 3g fiber, 35g protien

Product Review: Sally Hansen Complete Manicure

Last week, I was reading through More magazine and came across their All-New Beauty Breakthroughs listing the Sally Hansen Complete Manicure as one of them. Lately, I shy away from manicures, and painting my nails in general, because they ALWAYS, always, always chip within hours of application. So, it's not worth my money nor my time. But I do love a good polish for a special occasion so I decided to give ole Sally a try.

Commander in Chic is my favorite color (not shown) click here to see it 

Consensus: Ride Sally, ride. Never will I ever pay for a manicure again. Unless Mr. NonMomJeans decides to get me a mani/pedi/spa day gift at Red Door, then I'll gladly make an exception. Not only are there many different, hip colors to choose from, but the polish goes on nice and thick - a common complaint I have with cheaper nail polishes. After painting my nails on Saturday morning, here it is Tuesday night and I have one tiny chip ... that's just unheard of with me. I'm very hard on my hands. To this point, many people I know are switching to gel manicures which last a whopping 2 weeks, that's great and all but I can guarantee you that they don't cost $7. And that, my friends, is Sally's biggest selling point of all.

More Magazine Disclaimer: In our family (read: my Mom and Grandmother) we go through a lot of magazines and save them for each other when we are done with them. Despite the obvious age demographic discrepancy of the magazine, I love reading it and have gleaned a lot of good, useful information ... including that in this post. 

Life 2.0

It's interesting, having a baby with a husband. It's also interesting having had a baby before having a husband. Both were incredibly happy experiences ... and equally terrifying (I don't care what anyone says childbirth is scary), and both were incredibly different for me personally.

When I had Lovie 4.5 years ago I was single and moved back to my hometown to live with my parents, until I met someone that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with ... however, long that took, even if it never did (we'd eventually have moved out on our own, my little man and I). The actual day that Lovie was born, I was surrounded by my family and closest friends. I knew then, despite how hard the road was going to be, that I was going to be OK. Living with my parents was great. At any given time (since my brothers were still living at home) there were 4 sets of hands to help hold the baby, play with the baby and provide guidance/answer any questions I may have had about child rearing. Most importantly, what I remember loving the most is that I didn't have to share him with anyone. I got to give him all the cuddles and didn't have to worry about sharing quality time or anything else involving child rearing. As I had always intended, the child doesn't go a single day without knowing that he's the most loved little boy in the world. That for me is a win.

When I met Husband through Match.com my life changed again, in a different way. A life where I just can't imagine him not in it ... true love. Shortly, after we were married I became pregnant with Baby Sister. The day I went in to be induced the East Coast experienced a random earthquake ... spending 2 hours out in the hospital parking lot for evacuation was not how I anticipated things being "sped up." After 14 hours of labor she was born! She's a huge baby ... she was born 9lbs 9oz (about the size of a three month old) which makes me happy, since I gained 50lbs with her and looked as if I was going to birth a horse. 

Her birth experience was entirely different. Throughout the evening (since labor was so long) we were again surrounded by our closest friends and family. As I was approaching delivery and for the actual delivery it was just Husband. He was amazing. Giving me just the right amount of attention, assurance and love (my feet were so itchy so he spent a majority of time scratching them for me ... that's love). Then she was born, and we both experienced such a wave of emotion and happiness (during labor they lost her heartbeat cause the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck twice ... hearing her cry was music to our ears). But then, I wanted my baby. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to cuddle her. I wanted to change her diaper and her clothes. I didn't want anyone else. Not even my husband. The times when he did, I felt as though he was hogging her. I felt jealousy towards my new baby girl.

I have never been good at sharing and it was really hard for me to share her in those first few days. Especially, going 2.5 years with Lovie and not having to share him at all. Since, then if anything, I am thrilled that I can share her with Husband. I love when he gets to hold her cause it frees me up to do the gazillion things that I don't get to do. If anything, I don't think he spends enough time with her.

When we brought her home, life was really, really hard. Adjusting was hard, for all of us, including Lovie. Dealing my own self-doubt was hard ... it's amazing how much you forget in four years and having a new baby. I felt as though I should know how to do everything, but it all seemed so foreign. Even though my Mom was just three miles away it seemed like countries and oceans because she wasn't right there with me. This was the first time for Husband so it was like the blind leading the blind. But he really rose to the challenge. He encouraged me when times were hard -  and more than anything he was just there. We tackled everything as a team. When she cried for her every 3 hour feedings, he was the one who got up changed her and then brought her in to me so I could nurse her. If she fussed he would often times go in and rock her so that I could get some sleep ... knowing that my days were going to be just as tiring as his, since I was home with her all day AND a wily four year old.

What a lot of people don't realize is that when you breastfeed, you burn calories, a whopping 1,300 a day. That's like running 12 miles. It's tiring. Imagine being the most tired you've ever been and then having to go run 12 miles on top of it. That's what breastfeeding some days feels like. Then imagine that you also have to entertain another child, keep the house in some semblance of normalcy and be an overall pleasant human being.

Going through this experience with a "teammate" was an adjustment but we came out of it more in love than before. He's definitely my best friend and some days, my only adult conversation. We will have #3 one day, because I can't imagine not having one more. And Baby Sister is so magical and cute that I can't imagine not having another baby with him. In all, we are a happy family of four, taking life one day at a time and (trying) to enjoy every minute ... some days are more of a "win" than others but I'm OK with that. That after all, is life. 

Let's try this again ...

"'Cause you're hot then you're cold

You're yes then you're no

You're in then you're out

You're up then you're down"

These lyrics to Katy Perry's "Hot 'N Cold" describe my blogging to a T. But, now that I've moved to SAHM (stay at home Mom) status I feel that it's the least I can do. This blog was born with Lovie and hopefully it can live strong through Baby Sister and whomever #3 will be ... when that time comes.

I have missed the blog-a-sphere and nearly every day I have at least one thought that crosses my mind that makes me stop and say "I need to blog again." So, I'm in. Let's do this!